a complicated one

[sosadtonight]

I have rather a complicated situation here so more than anything I just want to write something down so it isn't all swirling around my head, but your thoughts would be great too. I have namechanged because this could identify me to a few people in RL so I really hope it doesn't seem like I'm trolling.

My gorgeous DP lost his daughter last year. It is still very raw and he is naturally finding it very hard to cope, although he is doing brilliantly in my eyes - managing to work and put energy into caring about his parents who are having some big financial problems in their old age.

I have done absolutely everything I can to support him, although of course at times it is so hard to know what to say or do. But he knows he can always talk to me about her and that I think of her often, and I'm there for lots of hugs when he is in a heap. we have become very close because of his loss.

Anyway, we have had an argument. I feel terrible. But he was at fault and I have to consider my feelings too. But it's devasting to be arguing with someone who I know is hurting so very much (and who is depressed, it has to be said).

His job involves a lot of travelling and recently he's been waiting to start working in a new location (it's hard for me to give too many details without giving myself away). He went to the usual place he works, with the plan to stay there a few weeks and then move on and train people up at the next place. Anyway, I've been waiting for that, because once it happens he can come home, plus working conditions were going to be slightly better at the second place so I have been waiting eagerly for him to start there in the hope he'll feel a little better.

I was googling the company (silly, but it makes me feel close to him when he's away) and up comes a blog by a co-worker which talks about how he is already at the new place and has been a couple of weeks. But he didn't tell me that he'd already moved. He's been away 6 weeks and we haven't had much of a chance to talk because my work has been crazy busy and we've missed eachother a lot when trying to fix times to talk (he's been working late into the night a lot).

So I called him and left a message saying 'this sounds crazy but have you moved on?' His reply said he had done so a few days before (when clearly on the blog it's been longer than that). He said he wouldn't lie to me. He is always very honest usually, painfully so.

I 95% don't think he's having an affair. I just don't. It doesn't fit. I asked him yesterday if he still wanted to be together and he keeps assuring me he does and that he is massively stressed and just doesn't feel like he's coping. It seems to me that perhaps he's just moving about in a daze and for some reason didn't think it was important to let me know he'd moved on. It didn't register as mattering. (once or twice a similar thing has happened but not on this scale)

But still, I don't understand this. Why not just send me a text to say he'd moved? It's such a simple, silly thing. And we both got really upset, me about not having been told, and him because he thought I was accusing him of lying and he prides himself on being so honest, and needs my support right now and just can't cope with any more stress.

My head is in such a daze. If this was someone else posting I'd say 'he's not that into you,' but that doesn't fit either with how he is with me. It has been the opposite, he has been quite reliant on me emotionally to cope with his DD's death.

I told you it was complicated. Yesterday and all this morning I was going to leave him. You don't just not tell your partner that you're in a completely different location to where she thinks you are. It's lying. But I love him, I want to make allowances for his terrible grief and how that is affecting him (it is still so raw. I have no idea how he gets out of bed each day) and ultimately he is just so wonderful in every other way and up until now we have been crazy about one another.

I don't know. This might have killed it for me altogether. How can I trust him now? Did he really not think it mattered? At least now that he's moved on to location number 2 he will be home in a week or so and we can talk properly, but it won't be an easy conversation.

I'm just so baffled about this whole thing. Incidentally we don't live together yet but have been discussing it (he suggested it), so perhaps that is why he thought it didn't matter. Thank you if you got this far!

Maybe he didn't think it was that important to tell you straight away or maybe he's not coping with work and trying to keep the 2 things seperate in his mind (you and work) as your the safe haven?

I really don't know but didn't want to leave you with no responses.

The thing is, why do you mention an affair? There's nothing to suggest he is having one is there?

How often do you speak? If its only once or twice a week and maybe he'd moved between conversations maybe he didn't think to say. Odd, I'll give you that, but maybe not indicative of anything sinister.

On the other hand if you speak every day and talk about the minutia of your day then it is a bit too odd.

But maybe things are such a blur in his head that he just didn't think to say anything?

If you have no other weirdness to contend with I would just talk it out with him, I think. Can't you go and see him?

Didn't want to leave you unanswered.

I'm sorry for your DP and your loss. I can't imagine how you both must be feeling.

I think from what you've said I would be inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't tell you something important but presumably it didn't make him uncontactable. You say he's omitted info from you before but not in a deceitful way just thoughtlessness. His head must be totally messed up before having job moves and stress heaped on top.

I would have a chat about his lack of thought but be kind for both your sakes. He is grieving but you are supporting him through his grief and that is a difficult position to maintain.

I feel for you both.

Not sure what advice to give, really.

Sometimes people feel stressed about a situation SMS just don't want to talk about it. Maybe he just wanted to settle himself into the new place before talking about it?

Probably doesn't help. Sorry.

Thank you. I appreciate it is an odd thread/situation!

I can't make sense it at all myself, that's why I mentioned about an affair - I assumed that would be a response.

No, we don't normally talk daily when he's away, so I really think in his mind it was ok not to tell me. But it still doesn't help me understand.

Thank you so much for your replies, really. I have been so very confused. It is comforting that people aren't just going 'leave him, this is massive.' Odd yes, but not massive. I am rather worried about him, with the stress he's under. I wish he could afford to take a longer break from work to grieve.

Still, we do need to talk this through and he does need to consider my feelings a bit more. Being apart from him with this happening just makes it harder because I can't resolve it straight away. He was really upset yesterday and asked me not to call for a couple of days so I'm trying to respect that.

I think this is all about his grief, really. It sounds like he is throwing himself into his work to the exclusion of a lot of other areas of his life. And he admits he is not coping. People can (understandably) go bonkers when they are in the throes of grief. You have been very patient and may have to continue to be so.

Could you persuade him to have bereavement counselling?

Can i ask something?

Your post says you don't live together (but are thinking of it, good luck! ), an when your dp is away you have texted him. what other methods of communication do you have while he is away? Is t just by email and mobile phone or do you use landlines / post? The point i'm trying to consider is that if your method of communication while away is mainly email and mobile, then t's (a bit) unimportant his location: ie you can reach him whatever port he's in, so he's not avoiding you or distancing himself from you by being somewhere because you obnly have an office number and he's no longer at that office, do you see what i mean?

I appreciate that you want to know where he is and by not telling you he had moved you may see this as him not caring? or not feeling you knowing about him is importnat to him? but he does, from your posts sound like he's had shit loads to deal with, so rather than keeping you updated crappy work is one less crappy thing he'd rather not be talking about with you?

Anything really making you think there is an affair or is it just this situation that's making you in a bit f=of a tizz?

I think it's possible that his relationship with you is just not his main priority right now. I also think it might be beneficial for you to have some other things going on in your life - not as in 'bin him now' but as in, it is very, very hard to support someone who is depressed and/or grieving and you need to remember that you matter and that you have a life of your own.