My friend's dh has left her...

[waterwitch]

He's been having an affair for ages, and now he's moved out. Thing is, she's still putting him first, and won't make any plans in case he wants to see the children/needs a lift/wants to get something from the house. Should I
a) just tell her that's ok and I'll be there for her whenever she needs me OR
b) try to help her see this isn't good for her, or ultimately for the children
I just want to help her get through this the best way possible. What would you do???

bump

give her a week for every year they were together to behave in any which way that she chooses and be there for her to agree with everything and support her every waking thought. Then tell her whats what. By then she probably will have worked it all out for herself anyway

well i'd guess she's still hopefull of him returning. the anger will set in eventually,she's going to experience every emotion going,so just be there i guess,and let her work through it all

I don't know if you've seen the bereavement cycle, but at the moment, she is probably in shock and denial, especially after the confirmation of an affair. Did she have suspicions, but thought she was going mad? Or was it a complete shock?

She needs to grieve for the old relationship and you should encourage her to do that. But it would help if you also encouraged her to set some boundaries with her H, as this will actually help her shattered esteem. It sounds as though she thinks he might change his mind, which actually is not the best place for her to be, whether he does or not.

Acting like a doormat with him will not reverse this, whereas if she acts with civility, but assertiveness, it will help her and send a message to him that the days of pulling the wool over her eyes are long gone.

The best thing for someone in her situation is to take control, not act like a passive victim.

Thankyou both - I'd expected the no eating/no sleeping thing, and that she won't stop loving him overnight (even though she's known about the affair for months) but I hadn't expected the bending over backwards to make sure he has no inconvenience. Oh well, you're right, whatever she wants is probably what she needs at the moment

WWIFN, No, she's known about it for ages, but he kept telling her he'd end it, or that he had ended it. Then she had more suspicions and when she confronted him he admitted it was still going on. she gave him an ultimatum, and he moved out. I know she was hoping all along that he'd change his mind, for the sake of the children if nothing else - the youngest is still just a baby!