dh and his dysfunctional family

[silverfrog]

I have a thread in AIBU - here. I started it there, in the heat of the moment, as I was pissed off - a good sounding off board. And I did wonder if I WAS BU, but it appears not.

So, the gist of it is:

dh's parents are abusive and manipulative. truly toxic stuff.

his brothers appear to be not much better.

we are currently out of favour witht he lot of them, for varous reasons. PIL are attempting to blame this all on me ("we've never got on with her" type stuff - trying to deflect away form them being in the wrong over something) His brothers are just plain odd, tbh. they prefer his ex wife, apparently (have NO problem with this on a friendship basis - they have known her longer and get on with her) but they now do not invite us to family events (dh's brother's 50th coming up) as they prefer to invite her. PIL happy with this too, it would seem.

Basically, I am fed up of going over and over it with dh. he recognises they all have issues, and is understandably hurt by their rejection of him.

But we spend hours talking it all over, me tryign to support him, he resolves to "choose" us (me and dds) - I have NEVER asked him to do this, it is the solution he comes to. and then, slowly, slowly, the phone calls start again, or he has lunch with his brotehrs,e tc.

and I am fed up of him sweeping the issue under the carpet, tbh. it feels as thoguh he is tacitly accepting their actions when he goes and has a lovely matey lunch, or chats nicely about the weather with his parents.

This is tricky all round. The one thing I think you're not appreciating is that your DH wants to have a relationship with his family, so (and I have plenty of first-hand experience of this!) any little crumb of a good call, good meeting etc is so gratefully received that it looks like it's being 'swept under the carpet', but it isn't - he's making the best of a bad situation.

I'm sure you'll say you're not asking him to choose, but I think your actions make it look like that's exactly what you're doing.

Good luck!

TBH if he wants to build a relationship-let him.

But I would keep myself & my child well away!

thanks.

HOnestly, I really would not ever make him choose.

I tell him that (regularly) when we talk about it all, and I mean it. It is not for me to dictate who he sees or not.

He is the one who says he will just stop seeign them. cue hours of talking it all through, me saying he won't like ot do that, etc etc - pointing out their good points (!), and saying he will miss his family.

he protests thathe does mean it, they can't expect him to let this carry on (ridiculous barbed comments, tension over how they might react to dd1, the general divide and rule games they play with dh and his brothers, etc) and that, since they arebeig so ridiculous, and making him choose, and he chooses us.

he makes a big song anf dance about it - we talk for hours, regularly.

and then, he slides back inot seeing them, and just not entioning any of it, tbh.

his younger brotehr has a real problem with me, and with dh having got married for a second time. when dd1 was little, I had to stay with them for a few days, and dh was away on business. BIL didn't speak a single word to me for the 4 days I was there. and if I spoke to him at all, for any reason, he blanked me. at one point, SIL was trying to find a taxi number for me to use - she was asking him which one it was - he ignored the question for ages, and then when she foced him to answer, told her that he couldn't be bothered ot look it up, and I should go and flag one down in the road

dh has never actually asked him what was going on there (believe me - the aboe is tip of the iceberg stuff), and his solution is to rant to me about how rude it is, howBIL shouldn't do it, etc, and then carry on a nice relationship withhis brother.

the bit I am fed up with is the ranting and discussing it all for hours, regualrly. I just don't want ot hear it. especially since I know it will end up with dh saying one thing and doing another - it feels as though he is saying htings ot please me, and it just means I can't take what he says at face value.

Difficult, but I would try not to get drawn in.

Or maybe you might just have to tell him-whatever he decides, fine, but make a decision, stick to it & shut up about it!

I can probably guess at one thing-that his parents spend little or no time analysing/agonising over what your husband has said/done.

He is tying himself up in knots for nothing imo.

(Having spent longer than I should agonising over visits before they happened-post mortem after)

The thing that stopped me was realising that ILs probably didn´t give it another thought & I was wasting my time & energy!

Hey, you and me are in the same boat chick. You are having exactly the same problems as me.

I haven't spoken to FIL for 2 years and after much begging I have given in and let him come to DD birthday party on Sat. Bearing in mind 2 years previously he wouldn't even send her a card.

Effing wonderful aint it how our dearly beloved seem to forget these things.

I have told my DH that his father can come to the party and I will be civil but things will never be like they were.

He is not welcome to the house when I am there and that will not change. I do not want him back in our lives. He is pure poison. I am with you the way!