How do I support a colleague suffering domestic violence?

[RamblingRosa]

A colleague has just disclosed to me that her partner punched her in the face last night. She says it's happened before.

I don't really know how to support her. My gut instinct is to tell her she has to leave him but maybe that's not helpful advice and she has to work that out for herself?

Are there any good websites or support services I could recommend to her? She was saying she is feeling depressed and I was encouraging her to go to her GP because I thought her GP might be able to offer support services for domestic violence.

Any advice would be really helpful.

TIA

I would show your friend the Womens Aid website:-

www.womensaid.org.uk

There is also a helpline number which is 0808 2000 247.

I'm guessing that if you tell her he's a bastard and she must leave him, and then she feels unable to leave him for whatever reason, she will not confide in you again for fear of looking weak, being a failure etc.

She might need support in coming to her own conclusions, as you say. The womansaid details should be v helpful too?

Also, perhaps she needs help in realising (maybe wrong choice of words) that she didn't provoke her partner, etc, all the excuses that women use when trying to come to terms with this.

suggest she goes to GP and gets her face checked out - and also so that this is recorded in case she needs evidence of this at some point in future.

buy her the lundy bancroft book so she can keep and read it at work.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656

Seconding C'est's wise advice.

Absolutely buy her the Lundy Bancroft book - she will need to hide it from her partner. Also, the Patrica Evens books are great too.

She needs to come to her own conclusions and will greatly appreciate not being told what she should do. After all, I expect she's already being told what she can or cannot do and desperatly fighting to be heard and validated. She will be searching for validation - that what she is experiencing is wrong. You are now the person who can provide that.

Friends like you are so important to women who are being abused. You don't need to do anything really - exept listen to her and help her realise that what is happening to her is wrong and there is another way.

She probably knows she has to leave, but may not be able to for various reasons, practical or otherwise.

She needs to know that you're that regardless, and you won't lose repect for her if she decides/ends up staying with him.

there regardless.

I agree with Mamii that you have to be careful not to tell her what to think and do, no matter how much you want to. Instead of "You must do X!", it's better to say "Look, there are these resources available."

also, make a note of it yourself.

there has been a case in the USA where the employer of a woman noted everytime her employee came in bruised etc etc and this is what helped the woman when she eventually divorced him and filed for custody. (the battered lady knew she was doing this, it wasnt behind her back or anything).

i once had an emplyee who stabbed her husband with a pair of scissors after he went for her daughter (he had been smacking her around for years, we all knew about it). she went to jail for it (6 months) because she stabbed him 15 times, not just the once.

we continued to pay her full salary and also emplyed her mother (to take over her job). and when she got out, carried on emplying her.

support can mean lots of things, not just advice (as you so rightly say 'leave him' isnt always the best thing to say).

hope things work out for your friend

Thank you all for your advice. I've just been talking to her again and she's told me that it's happened 3 times and that she feared for her life.
I've just been trying to give her gentle guidance with out saying "he's a bastard you must leave him". I was just asking her if she'd be able to cope financially if she left and asking her what she would advise a friend if they told her that they'd been punched in the face by their partner.
I'm going to print off the womensaid stuff for her now and leave it with her and keep on checking in with her to see if she's ok.
Thanks again.

it's ok to say "he is a bastard for doing this" "his behaviour is unacceptable" .

then she makes her own conclusions as to next steps.

validate her feelings that what he does just isnt ok.

and do gently insist she goes to GP or records the attacks with someone.

Thanks. I'm really really upset by this. I haven't been able to think about anything else all day and I get a tearful thinking about it.
It's just so sad to hear a bright, strong young woman tell me that her partner punched her in the face and then come out with cliches like "I'm wondering if it was my fault", "he's usually such a sweet, kind, bloke", "it's only been three times".
It just breaks my heart.
Thanks for the good advice though. I'll do my best to keep on supporting her and checking she's ok. I've emailed her the womensaid link and told her that I'm around to chat any time she wants.

frikonastick, that was very wonderful support for the woman who stabbed the man

Definitely get the Lundy Bancroft book. There is a chapter in there about supporting friends/colleagues/family etc who are being abused and it's really helpful. One of the things mentioned is don't TELL the abused person what to do - but do make them aware of things like the Women's Aid phone number or a local DV helpline. Perhaps you could suggest that she saves it in her mobile phone as your home number so that she always has it to hand but her husband is not likely to see it. Then she knows that she can phone them from a phone box or whatever if she ever needs to run away in the middle of the night (the helpline is 24 hours and free from a phone box).

yes, i ws lucky that i was working with a family business at the time and they were lovely people. the lady still works for them actually and this was going on for 12 years ago now

Rosa - just believe her and still be her friend. Never accept the behaviour and confront her belief that it's her fault.

I was frightened of telling people because reactions vary from disbelief (he looks so nice) to avoidance (unable to deal with this) to condemnation (for staying or finding yourself in that situation)

Friends who held my hand and believed me were invaluable. Friends who ordered me what to do were impossible. Friends who judged had no idea of the struggle it is and the problems I'd faced.

Sometimes the effort of being the friend who has to watch and can't stop this happening is so painful that they leave you.

The solution is never as easy as bystanders think though.

Thanks everyone. I haven't spoken to my colleague about this since last week when I gave her the womens aid number.

I was wondering if I should bring it up again (difficult in an open plan office) or is it just annoying and counterproductive if I keep on asking her if she's ok?

Maybe I should drop her an email asking if she's ok and reminding her that I'm around if she wants to talk. I know an email sounds impersonal but, as I say, it's difficult to talk in an open plan office.

Could you just go for a coffee and talk about other stuff and see if she brings it up?

I suppose so. We haven't really been that friendly TBH and we've never been for coffee before so she might guess I've got an ulterior motive. Worth a try though.