Can anyone give me some perspective on my relative with DH please as my own is a bit negative

[IgnoranceIsBliss]

This may be long, apologies in advance!

Recently I posted about an incident about a month ago when I made a sexual comment early on in the day but when tired later refused to 'just jump on' (I can't remember how he put it now but that's close!).

This resulted in him withdrawing all touch from our relationship, but when questioned he said it was just because he was waiting for me to initiate things in case he offended me.

Well, we weren't especially touchy feely people in the first place and for a long time all he had been doing is the odd smack on the backside as he passes, or other sex related touching, and without anything else - hugs, kisses, leaning on, whatever else, and certainly no foreplay...I don't WANT to initiate sex.

For a couple of years now it's felt like all I am is a friend-who-he-has-sex-with rather than a DW.

And to add to this, we have a three year old DD who we seem completely incapable of coping with, we both are unemployed, and both depressed. Both of us have problems controlling our temper. We scare poor DD when she misbehaves (generally because she is waking us up in the night and we are sleep deprived, but surely there is a better way?).

I seem to be the only one prepared to try to change things - I am on the waiting list for CBT, and have bought some self help books, and have started touching him - just snuggling up to him at night, or putting my arms around him in the day...but he is totally unresponsive. It's breaking my heart because I think we are drifting further apart but he has said he still loves me.

Is my relationship salvagable? Because I think it's going to take more than a quick hop in the sack to sort it out.

Thanks SAF. I agree with you that I should do parenting classes (which takes some pride swallowing I can tell you, as I never envisioned myself as being someone who would need them!).

Having said that, I have two older children, and I do know other methods of discipline. I totally get the idea of Time Out, rewards, praise, and other methods - I have been reading The Incredible Years by Carolyn Webbster-Stratton. I just find it so difficult to be calm and in control when I feel so miserable and out of control IYSWIM.

I hope nobody who knows me reads this as they will know who I am instantly, buuuut...

Youngest DD is 3yo, the other two are 12.

DH and I have been struggling badly for about two years or more now.

BTW I agree re the going to an actual class helping.

I would love some advice re DH if anyone is around

You need to sort out your happiness first, then the rest will follow. I might be assuming too much but...

Once you regain control over your life you will be less stressed, slower to rile and your little one will not bear the brunt of it in the middle of the night.

Then you can start looking at your sex life.

I really think you need to prioritise what order you tackle things in.

Get some space, or just say 'I know we're having problems but lets forget about that for now and concentrate on improving our happiness and tackle our depression'

Then see the doctor re. your depression.

You could possibly work if you get nursery assistance, meet some new people and raise your self esteem. You know whilst the 12 year olds are at school.

Then see if your hubby follows suit.

Once you are both feeling better about yourselves go out for a meal or perhaps get the kids round to grandparents for one night a month and then start having some relaxing fun with eachother without stressing yourselves over it all.

At least you have eachother and that's a good start for a happier time for you all.

There are also Dads groups at many sure starts, It seems if you are willing to make that effort, so should he?

Do you think he would attend? In my area- Dads even get PAID for attending (mums dont, no comment)

Good luck from 1foot x

HanBanan, thanks for taking an interest.

I am waiting for an IT course to start in my area because all of my qualifications are out of date by about 5 years. I will start it in September hopefully.

I have also been looking for voluntary work because I have GAD and Social Anxiety and I sh*t bricks at the thought of jumping straight into work! Unfortunately the people I have contacted have not got back in touch.

They must instinctively know to stay away or something.

Whenever I have mentioned anything I am worried about re depression, or our relationship, it winds up in a dead end. DH thinks he doesn't have a problem. He thinks people's mental health problems are 'all in the mind' (d'uh) and 'people' should get over it.

It's not (just) sex that is the problem. He would say yes right now if I asked if I could have a go! But I don't want to because he hasn't shown any reciprocation to hugs etc for well over a month.

As for Grandparents looking after them for a day each month - that would be fantastic but it ain't gonna happen. We haven't had a babysitter in three years and that was while I was giving birth to DD3.

1foot I am puzzled as to why he would need to go to a Sure Start Dad's Group?

(Not trying to dismiss just wondering)

The one thing that totally jumped off the page to me in your post was that you scare your three year old DD. Please sort out some help on this issue quickly. You can speak with your GP, Health Visitor, Sure Start, Home Start etc. but please get some help. This is not to say I am not concerned for the wellbeing of you and your DH, especially if you are suffering from depression. But, you are both adults and can - to a certain extent - get help for yourselves. Your little DD cannot and you as her mother need to look after her or, if you are struggling, try your best to get help and care for her and you.

You're right, there is a better way. Please work at finding it.

Hi Ignorance:

I guess the thing is you said

"we have a three year old DD who we seem completely incapable of coping with, we both are unemployed, and both depressed. Both of us have problems controlling our temper. We scare poor DD when she misbehaves (generally because she is waking us up in the night and we are sleep deprived, but surely there is a better way?)."

It seems like you both have problems in "coping with" your daughter. I always find that it is mums who seem to take advice and guidance in how best to parent, yet dads dont seem to necessarily get involved in "that side of things". Parenthood isnt just for mums, I suppose is what I'm saying.

heres a report about Sure start involving fathers that might help

Hope this is clearer

Love from 1foot xx

was your dp/dh ever an affectionate person?

you say you are trying to engage him in affectionate moves and body language and he is being unresponsive.

some people simply are not that kind of person.

was he previously and seems to have lost this? or is this something new to him?

Hi Ignorance,

For what it's worth (and you may just want to ignore me), I wonder if you've tried Supernanny on DD. Also as she is now 3 I think she would get some hours in nursery for free, which would give you a break and give you a chance to seriously look for a job.

It's not a cricitism, but I notice that a lot of your posts say 'I'm waiting for x' to happen. In my opinion, waiting for things to happen or other people does not give you control over your own life, and - for me at least - that would add to the depression and lack of direction for me, I don't know if you feel the same.

I wonder if it is possible for you to get any kind of job (bar work etc) to give you some cash and some time out of the house and contact with others, that way you might find the depression lifts and you are able to sparkle at interviews again. It is so hard to be upbeat and sparkly when things are so tough for you, would tha tbe at all possible do you think? Also I would definately investigate the nursery option, you'll find it is great for DD's development and gerat preparation for school as well as giving you time to focus on your job hunt.

Sorry, forgot to also add that the reason i like Supernanny is that it allows you to be controlled even when angry / sleep deprived / struggling with other things - and that way you can control yourselves not to scare her. I just wonder if this, plus my other suggestions may allow you to carve a path for yourself out of this hollow in your path.

Anyway, hope it helps.