How not to be embittered by a past abusive relationship?

[poshsinglemum]

It destroyed myb career. I am going to go back to said career i hope but it will be a hard grind as now have dd.

I feel that he robbed me of my mind, health, dignity etc. (he basically controlled what I ate so I got anorexia and had to drop out of uni.) I can't forgive him and I feel that he robbed me.

I told my friend on Friday that I felt a large part of me died in that relationship and that I now exist only to give dd the best life possible and make sure that she dodn't mess up her life in the way that I did. He is not dds father-thank god.

You mnetters have been supportive in the past but I have had cbt, councelling etc but I still feel bitter about the way he brainwashed me and very angry with myself.

I do have a good life - just not THE life if you know what I mean. I feel that I have not fullfilled my destiny and I want to before it's too late.

I wa straining to be a zoologist when I was with ex but he hated me going to uni and getting an education (threatened) so he undermined me and controlled me until I goyt ill and had to drop out.

I lost all belief in myself as a zoologist thanks to his abuse and since I retrained as an English teacher but it is not my number 1 chosen path, in fact I don't really like teaching and I feel that I want to go back and do zoology but I have a small dd to support. I feel very resentful that he robbed me of my potential.

training not straining!!!!

You've learnt from your past, you can see what went wrong and you won't let anyone treat you that badly ever again.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing as long as you learn from it. Dd won't be little forever and you can revisit Zoology when you're ready.

In order to move forward we need to let go of the past.

There were two of you. You let it happen too, so try not to be so hard on yourself, it sounds as if you are just angry full stop.

Maybe you could look at OU courses or volunteering at local animal charities for something relevant to put on your application when you do go back to your chosen path -the choice is not gone for ever, it is just not yet.

Indeed Alouise. I am going to finish my studies-it will be the closure I need as I will reclaim my education.

Zoology is a slippery slope, my sis did it, loved it and is now finishing her first year of vet science.

posh, I understand, I feel that XH robbed me of the "life I should have had", for me it is mostly money, when I worked our how much I threw down the pan with his failed business/drinking/fancy cars/fancy holidays, I could cry (and have done buckets)!

I am still angry with him, it is gradually going, 4 yrs later!
What has helped me, is accepting that although he was a nasty bullying, emotionally abusive arse, I made a choice too, I chose to stay with him for 10yrs, I chose to throw money at him, I accepted that I am an adult and made a mistake, and maybe I would have made another different mistake if it wasnt XH!

I have also move don with my life, and though I am still digging myself out of the mess he left me,and will be for some years, I am starting to feel happy again and do things for me, things I could never do with XH.

It has been said before, the best revenge is a life well loved, but the same is true for the best healing power,its is very hard I have been there, but eventually the anger and bitterness will fade, and then you can move forward!

Did you spend time grieving at all? Maybe there's something symbolic you could do like burning some magazine featuring rail thin models, or some clothes you had back when you were so unhappy?

Or maybe do a French baking course or something positive related to food?

Don't underestimate the effects of PTSD -- it can hit you after emotional/psychological abuse just as much as physical.

Wondered if you had read this book, "Stalking the Soul".

Hi posh, guessed that this was you from the title! You're right be be angry, but obviously you don't want to be stuck in this stage forever. What might help you move on? Reclaiming your education is great, and I like math's idea of some kind of ritual to help mark the transition.

Ultimately, you got a great kid out of the experience, and you got out before you wasted decades and lost yourself entirely in the relationship. We all get to experience a dose of shit in our lives, and that was your dose.

I didn't get any children from him Nickname so no positives from my experience except not to put up with that shit again.

It's true- I did let it happen - which is what I can't forgive or understand now.

Surely I'm not the only on embittered by an abusive man? Mabe I'm the one who needs the most therapy?!

I think that completeing the course will be my best ''revenge''!

Oh, sorry, posh, I thought you'd had a child with him.

He's a bit like a random drunk driver that swerved off the road and injured you, isn't he? I totally agree that living well (and graduating!) is the best revenge. Just don't let your bitterness get in the way of living well. Maybe more counselling would help.

It's important not to spend too long beating yourself up about what he did and how he treated you -- ultimately he had the choice about how he behaved. Everything he did to you, and said to you was his responsibility and his only.

FWIW, I think what he did wrt 'controlling' your food intake was akin to torture. Article on traumatic bonding. The perpetrator of your abuse was the person upon whom you depended for sustenance; denying you that, then doling it out as he saw fit was the method of torture. You had to eat, you ate what was allowed, you did what you need to do to survive, but in doing so you participated in the abuse. There are some torture situations where the victim is asked to choose what will happen next. You were placed in a really impossible situation, with your own body and needs used against you. Not your fault -- you were dealing with a psycho.

You could not have changed him, and there are very few people who can recognise the insidious, creeping nature of abuse when it starts. You get acclimated, anyone would. There is not a single description of any kind of abuse that says 'this is really easy to spot, early on, and only an eejit would stay for more'.

I agree with the random drunk driver analogy -- it fits perfectly here.

Yes- the only thing I can think of that allows me to feel better is the traumatic bonding or stokholm syndrome. I can forgive myself more then.

At least I survived so I have that to be thankful for and I have thrived. When dd is older I'll go for it!

I was such a naive 16 year old when I met him and eager to please.

Thanks for your encouragement. mathan- you speak a lot of sense. it helps to get perspective from others.

Yes- the only thing I can think of that allows me to feel better is the traumatic bonding or stokholm syndrome. I can forgive myself more then.

At least I survived so I have that to be thankful for and I have thrived. When dd is older I'll go for it!

I was such a naive 16 year old when I met him and eager to please.

Thanks for your encouragement. mathan- you speak a lot of sense. it helps to get perspective from others.

Give yourself a break, you've had a bad time but you are at the beginning of the path on the other side. Find time to discover you again, not a girlfriend/mother whatever, but you. It will take time to put your frustration to one side- write it down, that can help. You are already making your way forward and being a fantastic, strong parent, congratulate yourself on the good parts of your life. Be grateful he isn't dds dad- some us have been stuck with horrible exes for years!

I think he got his grand sense of entitlemnet from his mum who bought him marujana for his 16 birthday. A lot of it. At the time I thought it was cool but now I'm a mum I'm like
So there were clearly no boundaries whatsoever. She actually used to call him ''his lordship'' and used to join in with his coersion.
She was openly rude about my parents, diet, career etc.

On the plus side I have a healthy relationship with food and eat meat, all fruit, veg and cake! It's so lovely to have that back as I didn't think it would happen.

As soon as I we split I went in my parents' pantry and got through a whole box of cornflakes and a big tub off icecream. I felt sooo guilty but good!