Help moving forward from a relationship

[Workinglate]

Hi,

I've name changed for this as my mum knows my usual name and if she ever looks on MN I don't want her to see me asking about this.

Her long-term (20 years) relationship ended four years ago. There was no one else involved and she said that she would always have love for him. But she was feeling ground down by a drip drip effect of things lacking, and eventually she had to get out of that situation for her own sanity. Now they are at a point where they see each other once a week and act as friends.

She's been so brilliant over the last four years - she's faced her feelings, worked through them, got to a point where she can forgive all the things he did and didn't do that hurt her, acknowledged her own responsibility in the break up - just moved steadily forward.

I have just had a call from her, very VERY upset, saying that she still loves him and she can't seem to move forward. She's on a short holiday alone and has had a couple of beers, (drink's not the issue btw, just what's brought out all the emotion on this occasion).

I want to be helpful and supportive, but I am really uncertain in my own mind how best to be helpful. I'm conscious that I'm so close to it all that I may be projecting my own feelings onto the situation.

I was just wondering if anyone on MN has any recommendations of books that you found useful when working through the death of a relationship and the feelings that come with it? I don't think my mother will be receptive to the idea of counselling, she is much more inclined to use books and her own research to work through things. I've seen WWIFN recommending the Shirley Glass book for couples dealing with infidelity, and I was wondering if there is a similarly useful book for coping with the end of relationships.

This is long, sorry. But if you know of any good books that I could recommend to her as part of my support and our future talks.

Hi
Relate have a book called "moving on". it sounds like the drink and combination of being away alone have triggered these feelings but once she is back home she will continue to move on and will realise this outburst of emotion is part of the process of moving on. she'll get there.

Thanks, I really hope so. I will have a look at that book though. I know that there is still a big part of her that hopes he can somehow be made to change.

20 years is a long time. although she is resisting councelling it may be a positive step if you can make her see that.it is very good of you to be helping and supporting her,
how about suggesting a new hobby. sounds like she needs to work on her self esteem. how about a bunch of flowers for when she gets back home. its the little thigs that will help her move on. what do you think of her former partner, do you still have contact? does she? can she break contact with him?

sorry i just read that she sees him once a week. i think she needs to widen the gaps seeing him then she can truly move on. she will then have time to grieve properly, like she is now on holiday and will allow herself to move on

She's tried counselling, albeit briefly, but as she has been a counsellor herself she feels as if she can 'see through' what they're doing, unfortunately.

It's interesting that you think it might be a self esteem issue. I hadn't considered that because to me she doesn't appear to have low self esteem, but maybe I am too close to see. I'll have a think about that.

Yes, I still see her ex - he sees me as his daughter in many ways. In my opinion he is a very difficult man to deal with. But ultimately I feel he's more to be pitied than anything. He has always put his fear of being hurt before everything else, and that ends up pushing people away.

She COULD break contact with him, practically speaking. I'm a grown woman so even though I would still have contact with him, it's not as if there would be need for communication between them on a co-parenting level.

But I don't think she will break contact. I think she feels it would be cruel.

hmm.maybe she needs to work on the "seeing through" part and actually "beleive" the lessons of councelling. easier said than done. i think she needs a date, she is free,how about getting her to register for online dating just to browse.,just for fun? i know of a councellor who met someone through online dating and married them. sounds like she is getting stuck in the past a bit but she must have made some progress as you said in your OP.i think widening the gap of seeing him is a start. soundslike neither of them are properly moving on.

I think she does believe the lessons of counselling, but that she feels she doesn't need a third party to help her see them, if that makes sense.

I did get her internet dating! She has had a couple of dates just with a lighthearted attitude, but there hasn't been anyone who has really 'lit her up'.

At the moment I am wondering if she has spent so much time trying to be understanding and caring that she hasn't got healthily angry.

She has texted me this morning saying that she had drunk too much and asking to be reminded of what she said! Perhaps I should just put this down to a weak moment, but I do want to be ready to help if she is entering another bad time. He is going away for a holiday too so maybe that will be a good thing. Thanks for reading and responding - it helps to get a fresh perspective. As an only child I've found that the only time I have wished for a sibling was during their break up, for a bit of support!