Looking for advice - friend and past abusive relationship

[Songbiirdheartsfootball]

I will try to keep it brief because alot of things have happened. But please can someone gove me some advice.

In short, a very good friend of mine has been going through a really difficult time. She went through an abusive relationship that ended over a year ago. It was occasionally physically but mostly mental. The problem is even though she has cut total contact with him and has no way of reaching him (she knew the relationship was damaging) she has started to doubt herself, maybe she could have done something to make it work, maybe it was her fault when he was violent, maybe if she could give it another go with him it would work out this time etc etc.

I'm very worried for her mental health and although I know she has seen various depression counsellors and I believe maybe a psychiatrist but I advised she contact specifically womens' aid or refuge, to speak to and with people who deal specifically with domestic abuse and it's effects. She emailed them today to be sent an email kind of minimising what she was feeling and ending with "there would have been aspects of the relationship that made you feel wanted and loved", this has again made her doubt herself and feel like she wants to go back to it as maybe she was overreacting. All they've done is given her numbers for depression helplines.

I don't know what to do next to help and am scared for her health. It is very obvious that this relationship has damaged her and she is unable to move on from it but if they won't help her who will. On the surface she knows he was bad for her but deeper down (and not much deeper) she wants to be back with him. Please, what can I do. She has sent me several manic text messages this evening and I don't know what to say back.

Hi there,

Did not want to leave this unanswered. I was badly damaged by an abusive relationship. Women's aid have a point. In abusive relationships the abuser will often make the women loved and wanted alternating with periods of abuse. This is called hoovering and provides the womna with a reason to stay. It's a technique that abusers use to keep their victims close.

I really feel for your friend.

Thanks sherekahn, we have discussed that but the way they put it made her feel as though she was wrong to leave the relationship, almost "remember the good times"

Hello,
"Remember the good times" and he can be very generous, and he is really good with the children, and he is wonderful to be with in public-just not private, and everyone in the world thinks he is wonderful...

I have come to believe -yes-it is hoovering; but another analogy is that this 'good stuff' is purchasing a license to abuse.

My EA sister would do it with show tickets, treating for expensive dinners, and car loads of toys for my dc.

It is a trick of distracting with the right hand while (figuratively-or not )smacking the crap out of you with the left.

It is hard to recognize it as BAIT, but that is what it is. Then it is hard to ignore the bait, but that is what must be done. Don't worry, someone else will come along and take it and all that comes with it.
And that might be hard to accept in the midst of so many conflicting emotions, but it really is the best possible thing to happen because that moves the target to someone else.

Here's a short article. The author mentions joining a survivors' group, and I think this might be very useful for your friend, if there's shared wisdom, advice, and shared strength.

A good book, "Stalking the Soul", might help you and your friend understand what's going on now in the immediate aftermath of the relationship. Yes it's very early days yet. Recovery can take a long time.

For me, it's helped to read and read and read, as it's shown me that we weren't unique and thrilling as a couple, just playing out a tired-out old script. Lundy Bancroft and Patricia Evans are both good.

But perhaps a better approach is to focus on getting pleasure back into her life. She needs to replace her fond memories of time spent with her ex with good times happening now. What does she like doing? A girlie holiday or spa day or a walk in the mountains or whatever she most enjoys.