I want to help and support DP - any ideas? (long, sorry)

[eekamouse]

I really really hope I do not get a flaming for any of this as I realise it probably ticks a few 'controversial' boxes atm, but I genuinely want constructive advice and ideas and I know MN can be great at that. And yes, I am a namechanger, though if anyone works out who I am please don't say anything. Its possibly not in the right topic but hey ho.

DP and I have known each other for 11 years and been a couple for 2.5 years. We met as teenagers (I was 16, he was 18) through environmental activism and have been good friends since then. I will say right now that he is a truly lovely person, very calm and gentle and self aware, and that my friends and family are all like him very much.

He had a fairly grim childhood, abusive stepfather, depressed mother, ended up in care as a young teenager and then running away at 15. He was sleeping rough and drinking/using drugs from this age onwards, and so obviously never finished his education, or had any kind of stable home life. He spent several months in prison when he was 19 - has never reoffended though, and has dealt with the drug/alcohol issues that led up to that happening.

Until we got together he had never had a home of his own that he had a right to be in - 13 years of doorways, squats, caravans on unofficial traveller sites and so on, but no real safe home. He had approached various councils about housing but the bottom line was that as a young single male he had no chance.

Partly because of the lack of a stable home he has never held down a 'proper' job for long, mainly he sold the Big Issue for 10 years - however this is not to say he is lazy or workshy because the absolute opposite is true. He has done sporadic seasonal work litterpicking at festivals for several years, which suited his chaotic and itinerate lifestyle well.

He was estranged from his family for over 10 years after leaving home and when he did finally make contact with them again, it was to find that his mother was terminally ill and she died less than three months later.

So, now... just over a year ago we decided we would like to find somewhere permanent and stable to live together, started making plans for the future, and decided that once we were settled and DP had found a way to make a living we would like to have another child (I already have a DC with whom DP is wonderful). We applied to join a rural community on an organic farm, where we were accepted and moved in a few months ago. However, we found out I was pregnant late last year - far far sooner than we would have planned, but we decided to carry on with it as neither of us liked the idea of a termination just because of lousy timing, when it was our long-term goal anyway. Since we moved in DP has been building our new low impact home which is now finished - as I say he is hardworking, putting in a lot of effort to the land and buildings we now help manage.

But, and this is the bit where I get my hard hat on, he has not got an actual paid job and atm is signing on. Well, actually atm he is away working as he was offered 2 weeks clearing up after a festival and took it, despite me being 8 months pregnant and it being a nightmare signing off for temporary work. But he will be unemployed again as of tuesday when the work finishes. He wants to work and support us but basically, he has no idea where/how to start - and before anyone suggests he ask the JobCentre for support or help, they are frankly useless. He has no qualifications, no experience that any employer is likely to take seriously, a criminal record, and is lacking in some very basic life skills like budgetting and dealing with finances, oh and he has depression and serious self-confidence issues. He would like to go to college but that is basically impossible as there doesn't seem to be any way we could eat/pay rent if he does. An apprenticeship would be ideal (he's interested in traditional building skills/horticulture/countryside management) but they all seem to be for school-leavers. He urgently needs to learn to drive in the hope that he could then go self-employed as a gardener/odd job man, with me helping him with the paperwork, but thats money we simply don't have atm.

He is getting more and more frustrated as he feels strongly that he is letting us down by not being in work. I want to help and support him as much as possible - so has anyone got any ideas/suggestions of starting points? Sorry this is so long btw, just didn't want to do any stealth reveals.

friends and family are all like him very much

Someone told me that they pay you to train as a probation officer. It's a two year degree apparently. I haven't looked into it but maybe you could Google. There are Access courses to get onto degrees for those without qualifications.

I wonder if Nacro might be able to help you, they have quite a good helpline?

free pdf

He should be able to access some college courses for free if he is signing on - I think that you have been looking at full time courses, which you can't access for nowt if you're signing on.

Quite often you can get computer courses and various other stuff too. Am I right in thinking that he may need to go GCSE's first before any other courses?

If I were you I would consider swapping roles, nothing wrong with him looking after the kids while you work. That way he can take his time to retrain, there is less pressure.

I'm afraid I do think that you are being unrealistic, it is highly unlikely he will be able to get a 'normal' job without qualifications or a driving licence.

I do totally get where you are coming from btw, and I think that you have to think outside the box.

Can you grow / sell your own veg? Has he thought about doing youth work? Can you swap and go back to work?

To be fair as he has no qualifications there is not much the Job Centre can do to help.

It's not 'impossible' for him to go to college, and it's not the JobCentre that are useless (not saying you guys are either!) it's the situation.

Hope you find some answers, best of luck to you both!

Thank you for the responses and suggestions.

I have just had a look at probation worker training but on the National Probation Service website it says all training is currently suspended

I will talk to him when he gets back tomorrow about getting in touch with Nacro, that was an interesting read.

Nemo wrt to me working that is one of the current ideas we have been considering, especially as I do have a driving license - obviously I cannot start work right now as I am about to have a baby but DP is very good and hands on with DC and would have no problem at all being SAHD, other than that he knows I'd like to stay at home with the DC and he wants to make that possible for me. But yes, thats on the cards once I'm over the birth etc.

He has absolutely no qualifications whatsoever. Not even GCSEs, though he has done some short courses recently in drystone walling, hedgelaying, and charcoal burning. Outdoor stuff really suits him, after so many years living outdoors he gets panic attacks in busy indoor places - for example he can only spend 15 minutes in the supermarket before he has to go outside to breathe.

It just makes me feel so, I don't know, frustrated and sad for him. He works so hard at things - he honestly is not afraid of a days work - and he is very skilled at some things, but not the things that get you employed these days. The lack of a driving license is a significant barrier, the company he is doing this fortnight for now have said if he could drive they would take him on for 6 months starting in September.

Anyway thanks again, going to look up Access courses that run in the evenings.

Hmm... perhaps he could teach drystonewalling etc? Youth groups would deffo be up for that kind of thing.

Of course when peak oil hits he coukd set up as a blacksmith (I am only half joking there!)

I have just passed my driving test and I know how frustrating it can be without a licence.

This may seem a bit odd, but has he done any yurt building? I am in Yorkshire and would really like a yurt building. However I worry that the hard work effort would kill my dp.

I do feel for you other half, I am only barely functional at times due to a shite time growing up and it sounds like I had it easy compared to him! Well done for him getting this far and being a functional human being and not a warped twisted mess! (I mean it!)

Let us know how you get on.

And I hope you have a good birth! That doesn't sound right... Happy Birthing Day?!

Has he tried some environmental charities like Groundwork or BCTV? They may be able to help with some voleenter work locally which would help show employability? Or the Local Council may have some manual labour jobs in the Parks or environmental services side, which won't be glamerous, but would be outdoors and paying.

Good luck to you both. I did a degree in Environmental Science and met a number of people with non-disimiliar backgrounds to your DP on the course. Many came via agricultural colleges, so maybe work a look at them?

eekamouse, a couple of thoughts:

1. could you ask the company he's currently work for if they would be prepared to co-fund a course to learn to drive? there should be enough time between now and Sept for him to learn.
2. Could these people help? skillsfundingagency.bis.gov.uk/training/ www.shaw-trust.org.uk/home

Hope this helps!

This looks pretty difficult, especially as you're living in a rural community. Presumably there aren't a whole bunch of facilties on your doorstep.

Your lifestyle sounds quite nice. (I'd hate it, but see the appeal.) I would have thought you'd gain from continuing to apply yourselves in your areas of interest. There's a lot of work in rural areas for specialist builders on renovation/restoration projects. Also, the eco-house building programme is likely to carry on despite cuts. I wonder if you've explored these areas sufficiently? You'd need to do quite a bit of networking, I think, but isn't your community a logical starting point?

The traditional methods of raising cash in the country - arty/crafty and food produce - are still quite viable and should fit your lifestyle?

I guess what I'm saying is that perhaps you need to look at this in a less 'linear' fashion. There are tax credits and other support available for people trying to build a little business. A 'this & that' approach to making a living is quite usual in the country, and businesses tend to be supportive of one another.

How about having a few brainstorming sessions with friends, neighbours, family - and maybe seeking advice from traders in your nearest town?

Believe me, DP is not bothered about work being glamourous - he is quite happy to say that his ideal job would be as a binman or working at the tip. Really. Personally I think that would be a waste of his potential and hope he eventually finds something more fulfilling and creative, but he'd enjoy it so who am I to argue?!

However the last few jobs locally for refuse collectors have all wanted a 'safe handling' certificate, or whatever they called it. He has asked the JobCentre repeatedly about exactly that sort of training - short courses that get you important bits of paper, eg the safe handling thing, chainsaw licenses, first aid training, etc - and its not happening.

He might get somewhere asking the company about co-funding, if he will pluck up the courage to ask. I just suspect it would be easier all round for them to just hire someone who can drive already, but no harm trying.

Thank you Nemo for the birthing wishes, and to everyone for the understanding that its not always as simple as 'get a job you lazy arse'

Get him qualified, start doing those GCSEs, as many as he can get under his belt. Or an a-level or three, asap. You can do them remotely, make it a medium term aim, a degree of sorts in 3 yrs, 4yrs.

And (as a guy to another guy) deal with these issues like the supermarket/breathing thing. If he has serious claustrophobia get it dealt with. If he doesn't, pull your socks up.

As you've pointed out as a single man the state doesn't really care for them. It is easy for the system to have unemployed men, it actively wants 5pc unemployment. It isn't alternative to be out of work or unemployable, not revolutionary behaviour at all.

Ah but I remember when it was all 'fuck the system, I aint bein just another cog in the capitalist machine!'

I was a good girl and failed at went to college, then into work but I still really admired those friends of mine who were kicking against the system by being on the dole... Bless 'em! What were we thinking?

Big mistake. Lifestyle anarchists. You have to talk in the language of power. As they say.

You don't have to, Coolfonz. I live in a rural area - not by choice; I'm a concrete & capitalism addict! - and am fascinated by the diversity of livelihoods & lifestyles practised here.

Property and most other necessities are cheaper than in the city. Community services are more limited, but there's less pressure on them. Since 'this & that -ing' is traditional in such areas, there's far more openness to tiny traders and individual enterprise.

I'd love it if I didn't hate it!

What county are you in?

No sure, but you have to be qualified, have some foundations to work, survive etc. Some expertise either through experience or through the exam route.

OP - how about arboriculture (sp?) work? Work with trees basically.

You start with getting qualified to operate a chainsaw, the courses have names, CS30 i think, is a starter course (I looked into this). Then you can get more and more qualified including climbing a tree and operating a chainsaw, bigger saws, tree management etc...

Anyone can do that, it's outdoors and you can get jobs in arborism/local councils.

If he's good at dry stone walling is there any chance he could get jobs doing that? Could you try leafleting around the area offering his services? You would have to drive him there and back but that should be OK for the time being.

Ditto gardening work. I would think he would be better off trying to work on a self-employed basis than trying to persuade someone to give him a job in the current circumstances.

Can you teach him to drive?

You sound very patient

Just a suggestion it might not work for you, but if he can master the basics then can get away with just a few taught lessons? Im sure there must be loads of theory free learning stuff online?

I seem to know a lot of people who "passed after only 5 lessons". I wasn't that fortunate but there are people out there that manage it?

If not, might there be someone you know willing to teach him in exchange for some work to thier garden or other "skill sharing"?

Just wanted to say that your DH sounds like a great bloke - and that I agree that the idea that he could look after the DCs, and do some building, some dry stone walling, do some hedge laying, etc, might really work. People do need all these things doing.

You don't get chainsaw licences from the dole office or Jobcentre. You have to get the cash and pay for them, maybe you can get some reductions due to unemployment - I don't know - but they are privately run.

Asking at the Jobcentre is a waste of time.

Here is one I just Googled, there are loads around the country:

www.environmentskills.co.uk/content/chainsaw.php

British Trust for Conservation Volunteers came to my mind as well - a friend of mine did a chainsaw course via them plus lots of other training. Even if he could only lead Saturday groups or whatever for them, that could be a way forward. Driving really might be a problem there though, i'd agree, could you teach him, or one of your family?

I think it's incredibly encouraging that he's so motivated. I hope you can both keep chipping away and get there in the end.