How do you make someone tell the truth?

[beingsetup]

When they are playing games? Someone is winding me up and gaslighting me all the time and they will not tell the truth to my face, although I have asked them to a few times. Now usually I wake up and feel happy, don't take life too seriously and don;t let anything get to me, but I gave up smoking today and I feel like shit.

I@m coping with the large amount of kids, full time job and marriage breakup basically alone and that's fine, Im doing great, but I'm really struggling with giving up smoking.

I would just like all the wind ups to stop, to get this person out of fantasy land and into reality and for them to just be honest. Maybe if they were treated the way they treated me they would understand.

WWYd?

And do you know any good anti smoking cures cos I feel awful

a) the only cure for stopping smoking is to really, really want to stop and to accept the fact that you neither enjoy doing it or need to (you only think you do). Then it is relatively easy. I stopped 8 years ago and have never one felt like having one since. I gave up many times before that and always started again because I wanted to smoke more than I wanted to stop.

b) You cannot change another person - only the way you react to them. Who is this person? You cannot make them be honest or stop playing games - you are only in control of your own reaction which shoud be to walk away.

that's it.

I recommend Gum.

Day 1 is hard, but keep going.

I will have given up 1 year ago on July 28th.... I don't miss it.

What stopped me, every time I felt a craving, was the thought that I would have to pay over £6 for something that would kill me, age me, and make me stick of smoke.

It's just ludicrous!

Get yourself out and about! Go for a walk, get some air and do something positive!

Maybe you just have to accept that you can't count on this person to tell you the truth. Readjust your world so that you're putting yourself back at the centre of it. Not every relationship is worth it.

what is gaslighting ?

frankly if you realise that your partner is gaslighting you then you should take your focus away from getting the truth, because it will be HIS truth.

The truth and getting it shouldn't become the be and end all. Maybe there are other things that matter more than getting the truth?

ie, detaching sufficiently from him and "his truth" that you feel you can live without knowing his truth, and not be driven insane.

wiki explanation of gas lighting

If you watch Eastenders, phil mitchell did it to Lisa. (very pop ref!)

No advice re. smoking, I'm afraid.

Re the other situation - you can't. If they want to fuck with your head, they will continue to do so while you let them. So stop letting them. It's the only way - back off, leave whoever it is alone, do not initiate contact and try to avoid it whenever they initiate - basically, don't participate in their games. You cannot win.

If this is a new partner, dump immediately. If it's your ex, confine communications to the bare basics - if that doesn't work, put it all through a solicitor and refuse direct contact if it's upsetting you.

Give up on getting "the truth" - as magaly says, it's not a "real" truth anyway, it's their own distorted version of it.

What Nick Cotton did to Dot would qualify as well then, wouldn't it, if we're going with Eastenders as a reference point?

oh definitely!

Thanks everyone, I bought some more cigarettes and went for a walk and I feel great now! I guess with all the other stresses I'm just not ready to give up at the moment. I've only been smoking a month since my marriage split up and I really felt that I@d had enough of cigarettes and could give up easily - sadly, I was wrong.

Re that person, I don't think they are ever going to be honest but it's hard avoiding them all the time, and I don't see why I should, but I will take all your advice and see how it goes.

Thanks again :0)

Allen Carrs "Easyway to stop smoking" - magical! Gum etc didn't work for me and can make addiction worse as it can increase nicotine addiction. I don't know anyone who has successfully stopped smoking using NRT.

re getting people to tell the truth - you can't. Sometimes you've just gotta move on and put your energies into people who give you more of what you need.

Thumbwitch's advice is excellent.

+1

And Magaly's

+1

I haven't ever smoked myself, but a close friend managed to stop smoking by deciding "I'm not going to have one today".

She didn't then feel overwelmed by a massive, endless commitment to stop and huge guilt if she failed; it was simply something she was going to try and achieve for one day, then another, then another.

It worked for her. Good luck

You can't make another person do anything, really. Well, not without applications of unethcial levels of force. If this person doesn;t want to tell you the truth then s/he won't do so. So ignore him/her and move on.