What do i do for the best?

[lee82]

Hello all, firstly i have to be honest i am a 28 year old male with a problem and don't know what to do or where to turn so would be so thankful for any ideas or suggestions. Me and partner of 5 years had a beautiful baby boy just over a year ago. During the pregnancy she had a 3rd degree tear. Minor surgery after went well. Since then we have not had sex. After 6 months i have tried to be supportive and now after a year i am just confused and feel lost. When i have asked her to confide in me she says she is scared and may of lost her sex drive which i completley understand although is frustrating. The last week we have barely spoke and i am at a loss as to what to do. I have asked her for meal/night out together to which she never seems interested. She is a very good mom but i have noticed that he takes up every second. She barely acknowledges my exsistent and im feeling very down. I dont know what to do

Just keep on trying

Babies do come first, and it's common for dads to feel a bit abandoned.

FWIW I had a third degree tear after having DD and despite having 'done the deed' a few times since, every time still terrifies me. I could quite easily go without, but it's important for me and DH to maintain our relationship.

Are you a very hands-on dad? If he's taking up ALL her time, she's probably got no enery left for you OR her. Could you offer to do bedtime for DS and she can take some time out for herself - a long bath perhaps, then a takeaway for two, and a snuggle on the sofa - no strings attached? It's a cliche but it would be a step in the right direction.

Hello Shineon... i am genuine, i decided not to go on a dad's site as who better to ask then a mother who may have had the same bad problem as my partner. I have not been as hands on as i could wish as i work full time. I have asked her to make an appointment with a doctor but she seems be put off. Without being too detailed as i have a weak stomach, flisspaps and shineon a 3rd degree tear is just words to me, how severe is it? I have tears in my eyes as i'm typing as daft as it may sound but i love her so much and the the thought of walking away horrifies me. I don't want to be a 'saturday dad'.

Why don't you ask her to tell you or google if you don't to. Fwiw j had a second over two years ago and it still bothers me. The fear of it can make if worse I believe.

All you cam do is talk to her, she's probably feeling z lot of pressure even if you're not putting it on her.

Just googled it and read several discussions. Thanks lovebeing.

See now you're losing me. Weak stomach? Bah. This woman gave birth and suffered physical injury after and you can't even man up and google it? Read what it actually IS and then you might understand her reluctance to get jiggy!

In fact, I will tell you - it's a tear from the vagina, along the perineum and up to/including the anal sphincter. There are four degrees of tear, I believe, so a third degree tear is pretty bloody nasty. Some women can suffer urinary and/or faecal incontinence afterwards. The scarring can be quite sore. She should have seen a gynaecologist some time after to check it's all healed anyway - the hospital should have arranged this. However, once you've had a variety of MWs/Obstetricians poking about there for weeks after then the last thing you want to do is get your bits out for even MORE doctors, so I fully understand her putting off going to the GP.

Lee I am lucky enough not to know much about 3rd degree tears except they are pretty awful.

You have a couple of problems here really; first is her fear following the 3rd degree tear (she may even be terrified of getting pregnant again consciously or subconsciously)

there is the loss of her sex drive which is very common after a baby - due to tiredness
and a the rest of it- and quite often the less you have sex the less you can be bothered to do it.

then there is the problem that she has devoted herself to the baby and forgotten about you and the relationship (this is very easily done and very, very common)

It is all awful for you and you have been patient and lovely about it, by all accounts.

Putting pressure on her to have sex won't work but, if she loves you, she should be prepared to show you some affection and talk to you. The problem often is, in this situation women (and men) are afraid to engage in affectionate behaviour in case the other partner takes it as a green light for sex.

Why don't you write her a letter? tell her how much you love her and the baby and your new lives together but that you want some of your old relationship back, remind her of what it used to be like and say what you miss like mutual affection, going out together, etc. Ask her to spend some time alone with you (on the understanding that there will be no sex) get dressed up, go out for drinks, talk about something other than the baby, have a snog etc. and go from there.

If she was willing to give sex a try, maybe when you take the pressure off, she might lose her fear of it.

You could also ask her to see the GP perhaps?

A good step forward would to become more hands on and insist she has time out/off from being "just a mum" book her a treat somewhere with a friend/family member and look after your son. Doing more housework etc makes a difference too.

BUT you have to be prepared to do all this stuff and accept it won't mean that sex is on the cards. First of all you need to get the emotional intamacy back. Can you tell her that you need more hugs, have a dvd night in where you cuddle up on the sofa no strings attached.

The more pressure there is the harder it is to event try - even if there hasn't been medical problems. Someone I know confided that she had to do her labour breathing exercises to get through sex after a 3rd degree tear in order to conceive again - there's a 3 year gap between her dc!

I had a 3rd degree tear with ds1.....they are VERY nasty, recovery time is long.

I was weary of sex for a while...the first time after is no picnic. It was my worst fear during my 2nd pregnancy.

Maybe she should talk to someone about it...could be still on her mind even now.

"the thought of walking away horrifies me"

you have actually thought of doing this?

Even if you work full time, you need to be doing your share of housework and childcare. 'Your share' is enough of it so that both you and your partner have the same amount of free time to relax, see friends, do something for yourselve. If all she's doing is looking after the baby and doing housework then sex, to her, will become one more thing she's epxected to do to keep someone else happy: she needs leisure time.

There's also the possibility that she is depressed: does she have other adults she can talk to, friends, a sister, her mum?

Hi
this is probably not going to make you feel better, but .. i had a 3rd degree tear,theatre,blood transfusion, PND. after 18 months my husband left.
have you considered relate? please do not blame her, my husband constantly blamed me and with a little more understanding we may not have split. he is now a bitter "sunday" dad and i am a single parent.. after 13 yrs.
TALK to her.

Definitely talk to her, show her your love and support as much as you can. Give her time, I've had 3 dcs and no stitches at all but sex can still be a scary experience after giving birth on top of caring for baby, physical and emotional changes. Please don't think about walking at this stage, you all need love and cuddles.