I'm finding being separated really hard, help please.

[anothernamecositspersonal]

OK, I have to be a bit careful because our circumstances are unusual and easily identifiable in RL but, my (ex)DH announced about 8 months ago that he wanted us to separate. I fought it for a while but have now accepted it, although I find it utterly devastating.

I've since found a job overseas so DH has come with us and is looking after DS (19mo) while I work. We share a big house - he has the main house and I have an annex. The idea was that it would be the minimum impact on DS.

But, predictably, it's a complete nightmare. I love my son to bits and am desperate to do the right thing by him but I can't bear to be so close to DH. He has moved on so quickly while I am still grieving and struggling to come to terms with things. He is also very grumpy - and I just can't deal with him and all his problems on top of my own. I'm tempted to put DS into a nursery and tell DH to get lost but that wouldn't be fair on DS.

I know there's not much I can do but I could use a bit of moral support - or even just a reassurance that it will get better in time?

PS. Apologies if I don't respond at normal times - am overseas so there is a time difference thing going on.

Sorry to hear about your situation, it must be difficult. But a quick thought, can you put your DS in nursery and kick out your ex DH? If the roles were reversed and it was the DW as the person looking after a young child, mostly the DH (if he were the person engaged in working outside the home) would be the one expected to move out. Don't know what country you are in or where you have started divorce proceedings, if you have, but I understand UK courts start from the child's interests and probably would look to let him enjoy the status quo asap which may mean mainly being with daddy if he is the main carer.

LadyLapsang, that's a really good point and I hadn't thought about it in those terms. When this first started, of course, the roles were reversed but you are right that in trying to make things the best for DS, I may have inadvertently messed up my own rights. Hopefully, the long term aim all round will be for us both to work and share care but the last few months ought to have taught me not to take that for granted.

I haven't even got my head around divorce yet so I guess I wasn't thinking in that space. I thought we had to wait 2 years before getting divorced (in the UK, at least - must check over here). Will look into it though as there doesn't seem to be any point waiting when he has clearly moved on.

I think you need to be careful and get legal advice. Think things will depend on what nationality you are, where you were married and where you live (& intend to live in the future).

Someone I know (don't want to out them) separated from her husband over six years ago but because the coutry they live in recognises marriage and rewards it financially there is no incentive for them to legally separate or divorce as neither of them have a new partner.

Take care.

You are right Shineoncrazydiamond, it is definitely prolonging things. I've been amazed at how well he has adapted to all the changes so far. Things are tight financially at the moment but I think I do need to start planning for a proper separation as soon as possible.

And LL, yes, I'll follow up on the legal advice.

Thanks, both. Had a bit of a low day yesterday but everything seems better today. Thank goodness for MN.