What should I do so that he comes home?

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Long story...

Married with 2 kids - 2.5 and 8 months

Had a huge bust up a couple of weeks ago following 6 sessions of relate...

Ended with me (shamefully) hitting him.

He has never had and according to him will never have any need for sex or affection or anything really.

I have baggage of my own, insecure, needy from a difficult childhood but I have take the first steps to mending this, or at least making this better for myself. Started counselling so that I can make myself happy and not be reliant on a man who has his own problems to deal with.

I said that I would do whatever it takes for him to come home. He said that he was not coming home and wanted to start rebuilding the relationship slowly.

With every day that passes I grow more resentful of him for not being here to help with the kids, for not lovig me, for cancelling our holiay, and am worried that eventually there will be no relationship to rebuild, life will become easier without him and as time passes, any love that was there becomes less. I worry that he is enjoying the break away from day to day drudgery of me and the kids and our debt and that the appeal of single life will put the tin hat on things for him.

I don't see how we can rebuild the relationshio if he is not here. He wants us to spend time together occasionally and see how things go, but I find it difficult to jolly in his company when we find ourselves yet again in a situation where he is choosing to ignore all of the issues in our marriage, and focussing on the fact that I am to blame for everything, rather than anything to do with himself.

Sorry if I'm not being very clear - still trying to make sense of things.

I just want him to come home, so that we can start repairing our relationship.

What do I need to say or do?

He says he has no need for love, sex or affection, and thinks you are to blame for everything?

I think you will be better off finding a good divorce lawyer and moving on with your life, tbh.

So do I in all honesty but having weighed it all up over the last couple of weeks think that this is the bed that I have made for myself and he sort of needs to be lying in it next to me (all be it without any jiggery pokery going on), so that the children don't have to put up with a series of step-mothers and broken relationships because the man carries so much baggage, it's inevitable. This is his 2nd marriage following a string of long-term relationships which didn't work out and he has no idea why.

Your kids won't thank you for maintaining an unhappy marriage for their sakes. It won't be any better for them than the possibility of stepmothers etc.

Stop thinking you can be responsible for his behaviour and thought processes, or have any impact on them. What matters now is what you do. He may choose to continue acting the twat, or he may surprise you and man up if you decide to separate. But I doubt he will ever be the decent husband or father within your relationship, and that means a miserable life for everyone if you try and force it.

He is trying to set all the conditions at the moment - as you say, enjoying the single life free of worry over day to day childcare and money issues, yet asking to spend time with you when it suits him. Take control and start setting some conditions of your own. If you say to him 'ok, we've separated, let's start making arrangements for how you're going to financially support your children and how to sort out access', it might bring him back to earth a little bit.

I'm with Cyteen. Also, in the strict interests of honesty, I think you are still showing all the signs of someone 'reliant on a man' - you desperately want him to come back even though there appears to be nothing left in the relationship for either of you. Why?

You can't protect your children from their father's inadequacies. He is their father and that's what life's lottery has dealt out to them. Your job is to teach them how to deal with it.

Face facts - it is very very likely you are now a single mum. Get organised and official and see a solicitor.

I've done that bit and said to him a couple of days ago that I wasn't going to be able to do the 'jolly mummy' routine on occasion in order that he is convinced that his marriage was worth saving as I was totally knackered from looking after the kids on my own day in day out whilst being busy trying to resolve my own issues. Have started to separate finances, applied for p/t job etc and that he would have access to the kids on his days off.

I am the product of livig in an unstable home with a variety of step fathers and can't bare the thought of my kids having to put up with a string of step parents. Maybe this is clouding my judgement.

Also, I am so scared of doing this on my own forever. It is such hard work at the moment.

And surely, I owe it to my kids to give them the opportunity to grow up with both parents. After all, the man I married is not different from the man I met. I knew how things were when we had DS and later got married. Surely, there is some need to live with the consequences on my part?

Your dc do not have to live with a succession of stepfathers like you did. Single parent households are as varied as married households. I am on my own with my two dc, we are a family unit that works well, mostly. On your part, I know you are not thinking about partners for yourself but I would take time to find yourself again, get your self esteem back before entering into any relationship. So that when/if you do you can be sure it fits what you want.
Living in a marriage without sex or affection is soul destroying and your dc will feel the tension.
Please be assured, lone parenthood is hard, but easier than living with the strain of continual rejection from a partner.

Take his actions and words together. He says he has no need/capability for love/sex/affection, and has moved out. He isn't willing to work on this relationship. these are not the words or actions of someone who wants to stay married.

This must be a terribly difficult time for you - your children are so young; to be honest, you sound like you are in shock - but I would really concentrate on getting on with life without him in it. Can you continue to see your Relate counsellor alone to thrash some of these issues out?

I saw the relate therapist on Wednesday and she advised me to focus on taking care of myself, starting with individual counselling and this is what I'm doing.

I'm not really shocked - I have been living with this for some time now and know that there are massive issues on both sides. I know that if I start taking care of me then what I need/want will follow.

Have started the process of splitting up - the finances are being divided, application for benefits in, even going on holiday with the kids and friends next week. I know that my love for him is limited (after 4 years of not having any of my needs fulfilled I too know that the most positive thing I can do for myself is get out) and that the situation as a whole is quite shite really. However, I can't accept the responsibility of the aftermath for the kids. I hope that if I can learn to love myself then at some point I can learn to love him and maybe by some miracle there will then be a knock on effect where potentially he wants to take the opportunity to start working on his own issues. But this is his business. In the shorter term I think the kids just need their Dad back.

Am I being completely misguided?

the kids can have their dad without you having to be married to him
take one day at a time
I remember hoping things would work out with me and ex - well we are not together but we get along much better than when we were

I know it sounds trite - and it is totally different when it happens to you and your family - but children are flexible, adaptable little things and cope with whatever family situation is presented to them, so long as the adults are reasonably positive about it.

Guilt is natural during/after a break up, but separation is almost always preferable to remaining in a relationship that is dead 'for the sake of the children', imho. Your children won't thank you for getting them 'their dad back' by any means necessary. If he is any sort of decent person, he will remain in their lives and as time goes on you can make the necessary arrangements between yourselves to ensure this happens.

There isn't anything you can say that will make him come home as he has made it clear that he has no need for a marital relationship. If this was a man posting saying he had hit his wife people would be posting that she shouldn't bother when she has been hit and has already said she doesn't want a relationship.

He should have equal time with the children and I suspect you feel pissed off with him for not being there to "help" because you know he partly left because you hit him. he shouldn't be helping with them, they are his kids, he should be parenting them not helping you.

Thanks Fab. That's really useful.

Look you must ACCEPT starting NOW that this marriage is OVER. This man doesn't love you and doesn't want to be your husband any more. Not only will trying to make him turn into a loving partner drive you mad, it's actually not that ethical - everyone has the right to leave a relationship that they are not happy in.
YOu need to set some structure, boundaries etc so the DC can have a relationship with their father, but keep any contact between you and him to an absolute minimum and work on looking after yourself and moving on.

I agree with fab and sgb

Why do you want to drag him back to you ? You don't want him (as a man) and he doesn't want you

What is there to save ???

You've said in your OP that you're quite insecure and needy. Your DP is the exact opposite of this. I don't think any amount of therapy is really likely to end with you both being happy in a relationship where your basic needs are so very different.

It sounds as if you are doing the "repeating pattern" thing (can't remember the exact psychological term) by choosing someone who doesn't seem to want you in the hope that you can get the ending you're hoping for. If you longed for an absent father figure as a child (or if your mother was distant, etc) this could be the case...