What's the best way to deal with confrontation/difficult people?

[poshsinglemum]

I have been rubbish at confrontation in the past and a total people pleaser but I am getting better.
Someone was being a complete bitch to me today and I dealt with it well but would like some advice so this comes up a lot; particularly in work situations.

Do I;
Politely but firmly tell the person why I am angry or upset with the?
Sometimes I feel like saying something smart and bitchy back but do not want to stoop to anyones level.

What do you say if someone is openly mean? Examples would be great.

Also, why have I found it so hard to confront mean people in the past?

if someone is openly mean to me i would just give them a withering look and walk away.

I just say 'my has someone upset you?'/'and your opinion matters?'/'dont take this the wrong way but you can act like a real bitch/twat sometimes-are you aware your doing this?'

Take it without saying anything, then secretly plot their downfall and don't rest until you have destroyed their life. Works for me!

I smile and just look straight at them. You often get a shamefaced look

Often they have issues of their own. I never feel it's worth spreading more misery but that is just me. I avoid people like that and would never 'just take it' but not prolong it either

If you feel you have issues with confronting it, I'd say you have issues with your self esteem and feel the need to be liked?

I think there are different ways of dealing with it - depending on your role at work and the position you are in.
You need to think about the outcome you want from a situation and why.

I find it awful that people feel they can be mean and damn right nasty to other people.

at my old job our boss was an ass, our whole day would depend on if he was in a good mood or not when he walked in! can not deal with people like that

otterly but

Aeschylus, my last boss was like that. He was a monster - later realised he's a template NPD. In such cases, you have to accept the person is mad and is not going to respond rationally to anything! Best thing to do is lavish them with compiments & agree with everything they say ... while frantically hunting for another job.

With sane, but arsey people, I make frequent use of "Ouch!" I have a nice little "Er, what??!" look that seems to work well. And "What made you say that?" is a harmless put-down

You can always highlight someone's bitchiness, in company, by showing the opposite, eg:-
Her: "That dress doesn't suit you."
You: "Oh, and I was just about to compliment you!"

You get a lot of defensive-type manipulators at work. It's hopelessly bad practice to turn a professional criticism into a personal insult, but people do it all the time. The thing to do is refuse to be drawn. Examples:-

Supervisor: "You've done that all wrong, you're so stupid!"
You: "Just stick to where you think I should improve that work, please."

Supervisor: "You're too sensitive!"
You: "Just stick to the work-related facts, please."

Supervisor: "You're lazy!"
You: "Do you mean we should discuss ways of improving my productivity?"

If people aren't being personal, but just plain rude, it's often best - at work, not so much in personal relations - to reply to what they meant and ignore the rude bits.
Example:-
Them: "I told you to finish the &%$#?@%!* report!"
You: "Your report will be ready in half an hour, the art department's sending over a logo."

Etc ... any help?

Definitely useful for me thank you Grace

I love, "what made you say that" sometimes I chuck on the end "are you having a bad day and looking to take it out on the nearest victim" but only when I'm feeling brave!!

What made you say that in an ever-so condescending, 'there-there-poor-you' tone, works particularly well with aggressive men I find.
Love from 1foot x

I find it helpful to repeat what they have said right back at them.

Them: Your looking a bit peaky today

Me: So you think I'm looking a bit peaky today?

Them: No, I didn't mean it like that...

Just say 'excuse me, not sure I heard you correctly, could you repeat that?' in a loud,clear way. They will either walk away or repeat it. Suggest you make sure others are around if you do this, you may need back up if you take it further. Good luck.

Agressive or nasty people often seek out those they feel are unlikely to challenge them, this is proabably why it happens to you quite a lot. It's like kicking the kitten, they think it's safe.

Always look a really rude person in the eye. I find leaving a little pause and saying "oh, yes?" in a voice I would normally rebuke a puppy with who has just shat on the floor does wonders.

I also have stock phrases of:
"Possibly, and your point is?"

"Really, oh dear." (dead pan)

"yes, it is crap, such is life."

and

"have you finished?" then ignore what they said and carry on.

I once got REALLY narked with someone who was going completely over the top and said "why are you so nasty? Did you not get enough love as a child?" which derailed the meeting completely but they did have such an interesting expression on their face.

I have to add I spent several years managing a call centre and was abused by so many various strangers that I got innured to it.

I worked with a nasty bullying boss once. He often berated people in meetings - seemed to get a thrill out of it.

He was stopped in his tracks completely by a colleague who simply/calmly said ' stop it. You are making yourself look fooish'.

That colleague was never 'picked on' again.

foolish

at all the above!

I had to lead a small team and one of the workers was really difficult and uncooperative. One day I told her that I knew she didn't like me very much and that I didn't like her very much either but we have to work together.... It was much easier to deal with her after that. The amazing thing is that I didn't even plan what I said it just came out. Total frustration nothing I said was going to make things worse..

She was eventually sacked for throwing too many sickies!!!!

Oh to be gifted with the knack of delivering one liners which would stop people short when they are verbally attacking you (envy)

A couple of times at work, I've had to say 'don't speak to me like that'. The bully probably won't speak to you again, but at least they know you won't take it.

I once had a boss, who'd just got a new boss over her. I had been temping there a few months. To impress the new boss she started treating me badly. After a few days, I told her I was leaving and it was because she'd been rude and patronising to me. Someone else told me that she started crying after I spoke to her and she asked him if he thought she was rude to people. He said 'yes'. The new boss had also noticed my boss's behaviour and apologised to me about it.

Sometimes you just have to say that you won't accept it.

I've used this one a few times with success, particularly with passive aggressive types - just lets them know that you're on to them...

"Did you mean to say that outloud?" delivered with this look

Think I will try "Ouch" as suggested by *IsGraceAvailable" and "Did you mean to say that outloud" by Diddydab . .

My personal fave is to say 'that's a nice thing to say!' - it calls them on their behaviour without you having to say something 'difficult'

Great thread- watching with interest thanks for posting OP

thanks all! I have trouble with assertiveness.