how to break stalemate after emotional affair

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Does anyone have any advice for how to move beyond stalemate? In a nutshell, been married 12 years, 2 kids, H had emotional affair, lasting 3 or 4 months. Discovered by me a month ago, rather than confessed.

We are doing the right things - having Relate couples counseling, and our own counseling too. We've both read Not Just Friends. H has cut off all contact with OW. Had some time apart, but now back under same roof, separate bedrooms. He says he wants us to get back to a better relationship.

The problem is we seem to have sunk into a new survival routine, where we manage day to day, but with minimum communication. We seem to be saving that for the counselor.

H never initiates conversation about us, if it does happen it's me who starts it. I know we need to make steps to build a bridge together again, but can't see how to even begin.

Oh I have pointed that out to him, that he was controlling me than I was controlling him, in fact it was because I had so little control that I "controlled" what I could.

I have pointed out how manipulative he was/is which came as a shock to him, especially when I gave examples of how he was manipulative towards over people, not just to me. It is learnt behaviour from childhood in his case, I believe, as there were some extremely strange dynamics within his family (various extended family members living together) and I/we can see how his father is with his mother now. We do have a more equal relationship now and I do believe we have made so much progress within our relationship but I am still struggling with the sadness about the affair. He says it is written all over my face and seems so "deep" but I think time is the only answer for that.

Recognise and empathise with the sadness Counting .

WWIFN - you are right, normal's no good any more. This whole episode has made me analyse what was wrong with our 'normal'.

Problem is my H seems to think we need to flip some magic switch to turn the sexual attraction back on. Whereas I think there have issues with our dynamics that need addressing, and it's a journey back to all that.

The control issue has not been properly discussed. I have only aired that we had a mother-child relationship, but no advice forthcoming about how to tackle it. No proper discussion of how we both perpetuate the problem.

Caught myself stepping in to solve a problem H had with a neighbour yesterday. Realised H hadn't asked me to do it. I spoke to him about how he's an adult, and if he has a problem with someone it's up to him to solve the problem. I think we will both find this difficult - maybe him more than me! Difficult for me to stay out of it without seeing completely disinterested.

Am actually thinking about changing couples counselor. I'd like someone who gives practical advice, rather than just doing the active listening thing. On our own we do not have the skill set to take even baby steps forwards.

Changing the counsellor would be an excellent idea HV. In cases of infidelity, a more interventionist approach is needed. A nodding dog just won't cut it in these circumstances.

In terms of screening for one, ask them how much experience they have of infidelity and ask them if they've read (and support the message of) Not Just Friends. In cases like this, these would be my minimum criteria now.

Explain also how you both need practical help, once they've understood the situation. A good counsellor will give you exercises and handouts.

Just come back to this after being out for afternoon. This control thing is really interesting. I recognise a lot of that behaviour. The not taking responsibility for health (I have made Drs appointments for my H despite him having a complex diary so this being a real hassle), and I used to attempt to control his drinking, in that I hassled him to have alcohol free days, berated him for hangovers, gave his lots of healthy living advice etc. And I sometimes resent the fact that family things are all sorted by me.

But how to tackle that? Wow, thats big stuff that means you'd be trying to change years and years of learnt behaviour.

Did you access your counsellor through Relate helicopter? We have ours through Relate and it is all phone counselling and I 'clicked' with our person immediately, she is spot on about the hurt of an emotional affair. When I tried justifying my H's behaviours, she was nearly as assertive in her view that his behaviours were damaging to our relationship, as MNers had been!

Just thinking maybe you could try Relate and ask specifically for a certain person - I could give you the name of ours - or more generally for someone with experience of infidelity.

Our couples counselor is from Relate - found her on-line. My own one-to-one person is much better I think, from a private company near where I work.

It's the couples counselor I want to change - so it needs to be face to face.

My own counselor recommended someone for us to see together, but this one's v busy and we'd have to wait.

I need to get on to that.

The standards amongst counsellors seem to vary so much, even within Relate. I've read some shocking stories on here about counsellors who should be struck off for the harm they do - and other more heartening stories about really challenging, interventionist counsellors who really seem to "get it".

My H and I had separate, private practitioners and again, our experiences were diametrically opposite. He had a reasonably challenging and warm person, whereas the person I saw was such a cold fish and she really didn't seem to understand affairs at all.

I'd reiterate something from our experience though. The counselling was really only the springboard for our own discussions in between times. However, it really does seem as though you need someone to kick-start it all HV and ask some searching questions. The exercises will also "force" you into discussing issues during the week.

Good that you're seeing someone on your own too. Will your H be doing the same?

Yes he has already had 3 or 4 sessions on his owm.

I guess it shouldn't be surprising that it's hard to find the right person first time when it's not a market you've ever been in before (thank goodness)