is this the first proper rocky patch?

[AliGrylls]

Need a bit of history here I am afraid

DH has not worked for about two years. He doesn't need to and doesn't really have the inclination to go back to work and TBH I don't want him to go back to work in the same kind of job he was doing, however, I do think he needs to do something because he is bright and I worry about the example it will set to our children in the future (his father stayed at home and DH did not have very much respect for him). I have been trying to encourage him to pursue other things by suggesting teaching and othr possible careers (at least I thought I was).

Recently, he has had a couple of informal business meetings about a project he is trying to start and I am sort of taking a bit of a hands off approach as once before he got all excited about a business and it never happened.

DH and I had a huge argument this morning which was initiated by me as over the past two weeks I have been feeling like he has not been too helpful with DS. The argument started over something small however, I am pregnant and was feeling really emotional and sensitive and instead just blew up and told him how I was feeling.

Anyway, I thought that we had resolved the problem this morning and this afternoon when I came back from being out with DS he was really quiet with me. I asked him what the problem was. He said "nothing, just tired". All afternoon he has been like this until 2 hours ago when he brought it up again. We managed to resolve the argument properly but then he started saying that I always say really hurtful things during arguments for instance, saying to him that his lunches sound more social than business; that I make him feel useless; and that he thinks I would be happy for him to do anything just to get him out of the house. I don't think I have ever said these things except about his lunches but that really was only in jest. I am always telling him that I love him and that I would be happy for him to do whatever he wanted so long as he is happy doing it.

I am really starting to find it hard being supportive to him and I actually am not sure I know how to be. It feels like he completely misinterprets my intentions. However, ATM it seems that no matter what I say it is the wrong thing.

You say your DH doesn't need to work - are you living off a trust fund / private income or do you support the family economically?

There is no intrinsic problem with any DH taking the home role. It works for us. It doesnt work for everyone. For it to work I believe it needs respect on both sides.

Why does it matter to you that your husband pursues projects?

Have you and your husband discussed your respective roles?

We dont have to repeat the mistakes of our parents (we have so many nore to make of our own}. Does your husband want to be good stay at home father? Would you respect him if he was?

None of the above are intended as criticisms of you or your husband.

I'm no good at arguments so I have no suggestions for how to resolve that.

It sounds like he is projecting his feelings onto you.

I agree about the projecting.

My DP and I have rocky patches like this on a monthly basis. He also says he is 'just tired' when he is stewing.

You are probably in a far healthier relationship than I am, so you probably really feel it if things are not right. However, I think you needn't fret too much - only do that when you have exhausted all talks and still you are not communicating with each other to find solutions.

If he is projecting then you are going to need to be firm or he will use this to 'win' the argument every time you have a grievance.

We had a really good chat last night. He said that he felt he was not going anywhere and it is starting to get him down.

In his career, DH earnt enough that we can both actually live off his savings. He worked really hard for it and he feels a sense of entitlement to have a relax now. I don't really blame him.

My main worry is that he just becomes a bit complacent and that the longer he actually doesn't do very much the harder it will be for hin to actually get the motivation to do anything. I want him to do something just so that he can get his sense of achievement.

I also worried about the long term effect it will have on our relationship if neither of us work. He always said he wanted me to be SAH which is what I chose on the basis that he would work. However, now I am pregnant again it is not even really an option.

It does sound as if he too is starting to be unhappy about not working, so your comments probably struck a chord. Though it could be that there's some resentment on how you're voicing your concerns - perhaps he's perceiving it as nagging?

The long chat you had last night sounds like a good start to a constructive resolution to this. If he's feeling like he's not going anywhere and this is getting him down, work out what it is he'd like to do. If this means taking a different direction to what his career to date has been, fine.

While finding a new job - particularly in a new direction - won't be easy at the moment, he can alwaysuse the recession by doing any necessary training, and gaining experience.

My employer has had to make a few redundancies last year, leaving the rest of us overstretched - we're dealing with this by taking on a greater number of unpaid interns. Likewise I've recently agreed to take on someone in my department who's being made redundant in his present job - he's looking for a career change and is over the moon at being given the opportunity to gain some experience in his preferred new job field. I'm delighted at getting an extra pair of hands for nada.

I'm sure there's plenty of other companies who are in a similar situation.

So you could support your husband by helping him to work out what it is he wants to do, and supporting him in gaining experience and getting a foot in the door in whichever field that happens to be?

That is helpful seriya. Thank you. If this project doesn't work out I will maybe try and help him to find out about things locally he might be interested in.