MIL ugh

[loreli]

Hi guys

this is more of an unloading rant than a question but does anyone else really dislike their MIL? I have always found mine to be irritating and haven't ever really liked her but since I had DS I feel like I am taking my dislike to extremes. I hate her having DS, I hate her bossy controlling suggestions and I hate that my DH never defends me when I point things out to him. I am trying to check myself to see if it is me being unreasonable (since having DS I am soooo over protective and am in danger of being one of those controlling mums so am aware of this) However MIL does things like offer to babysit and then lets me down ten minutes before (bare in mind it takes me all of my strength to ask her in the first place!!) or this week she just didn't show up and went out with her friend instead. Then she just turns up when she wants unannounced and expects DS to be handed to her so she can play doting grandma. I find her comments racist and bigoted. Yesterday she told my 14 week DS that she hoped he wasn't going to grow up to be a poofter as he likes flowery patterns on things. OMG!!!! I straight away said, we don't use words like that in my house and he will be whatever he wants to be as long as he is happy and she just pursed her lips together as if unapproving. She makes awful comments about black people and I would rather she was as far away from my DS as possible. However DH is a complete mummies boy and wont have a word said against her. He says her comments and ways are funny and she is just old fashioned and I should try to see humour in them and let things go. He accuses me of being too uptight and I should just chill. I don't find racism or homophobia funny and I certainly do not want DS raised this way. DH and I are constantly arguing about this now and I have told him I am not asking her to BS again as she constantly lets me down and I don't like her attitude (I am also told regularly how to do things like feeding/bathing etc etc) I honestly could just take DS and run away!!! Ok rant over. Does anyone else feel this way about their MIL?

Yes I do most of the time. Could tell you stories to make your hair stand on end, but haven't the time now (might be back though later)

Yep I start stressing as soon as I know she is coming over and what really bugs me is I am spitting feather for hours after she visits and she causes 90% of mine and dp arguments .

But like your dp mine does not seem to realize she is that bad. I have been looking into immigration to get away from her.

limit amount of time you see her. never ask babysitting. if she pops round unannounced, say 'oh how lovely to see you! but wished you phoned first as just off to xyz'. then start putting baby in car etc. she'll get the msg eventually.

letting you down at last minute is awful.

Yep. She and fil are two of the most ignorant, bigoted people I have ever had the misfortune to know. Luckily dh is not anything like them at all.

I totaly feel for you.

I have banned my inlaws from my house and they are not allowed to call our house phone and must only call DH on his mobile or at work.

I think they are mean and evil people.

I have allowed them to see my son (16 months old) but last week the dog scratch him and they would not admit what happened so they are not allowed to see my son anymore.

I feel so happy now that they are out of my life.

We are also moving away from the area where they live.

I am the knid of person that if i dont like some just stays away from them why should it be any different with inlaws?

Don´t like mine either.

Visits were always an ordeal-she is always on edge & will never join in a conversation for fear of saying "the wrong thing"

But somehow she always seem to manage to mention how disappointed she is that her son never went to grammar school

Or say how well someone who he knows who did go to grammar school [is] doing

We are abroad-they have never visited.

Yes, part of me doesn´t give a toss as I don´t miss them at all.

But she whines on about missing her only grandchildren & then turns down invitations!

Not to mention the absolute pigheadedness of not visiting your only child-because when they say they are not visiting that year, you really don´t believe them

Its a standard requirement on MN to dislike your MIL

No it isn't usualsuspect. I like my MIL. Sure she has her foibles, don't we all? But she is a loving generous (with both time and money) woman who has by her actions moulded her boy, my husband, into a wonderful man, husband and father.

As I say, there are occasions where she'll drive me mad - but bearing in mind her strengths (and they are legion) I try to not let it bother me. Though I do fail, I tend to take things to heart and let them bother me, my problem, not hers.

MIL bashing threads galore tho ...no?

I'm a lovely MIL ...I've only got SILs tho.. I just know that no women will be good enough for my DS

Yep another one here. I too have found since havin my PFB DD I dislike her even more.
I took a dislike to the woman afte she caused many arguments between DP and I. Shes interfering & sly, and like yours, my DP doesn't see it or doesn't have a bad word said about her.
She looks after my DD twice a week which KILLS me because i hate her. There my rant over too!

Fortunately my husband does see his mum for what she is & when he told her she couldn´t talk to me like that she burst into tears & asked if he still loved her FFS.

That´s when any respect he´d had disappeared.

Yes there are lots of threads like that, and I enjoy reading them because there are so many that make me go

Mine has many, many good points, and the dcs definitely adore her, however she irritates me beyond all belief. She is frankly ignorant on many levels, but disguises/overcompensates for these deficiencies by being a know-it-all, often lecturing me on subjects she knows little or nothing about. She has undermined me repeatedly since my first dc was born. She sees herself as 'alpha gran' and is rude to my parents (who live a long way from here) when they visit. She 'means well' but has no tact. Despite being plump and 65, she dresses like a teenager & bathes topless on family holidays (not a good look, trust me). She has these indefinably irritating personal habits and mannerisms, and the very sound of her droning voice on the phone can just make me wince. Of course, I have many faults too, and have no doubt whatsoever that she dislikes me every bit as much as I dislike her. Still, I do wish I didn't feel so intensely irritated by her, and often feel guilty about my more unreasonably mean-spirited thoughts about her. I just can't seem to get past it. Perhaps I need CBT.

She was quite hostile until I became pregnant, & then it was suddenly important that we got on-as long as it was all give on my side & take on hers!

She was quite hostile until I became pregnant, & then it was suddenly important that we got on-as long as it was all give on my side & take on hers!

Sorry about the double post-I don´t really think that what I´ve written is so interesting/important it needs posting twice

There are probably as many MIL-bashing threads as there are DM-bashing threads, and as many other XX-bashing threads.

It's not about the label, it's about the behaviour. Behaviour is exhibited by a person; labels are attached to that person because it's a convenient way of expressing the family connection and possibly indicating the family dynamics.

From what you've written, your MIL's behaviour is unacceptable, and your DH needs to step up and deal with that.

wow thanks guys. Dont take this the wrong way but I am happy it is not just me and you are all peed off with your MILs too! Misery really does love company

I really find myself doing childish things like going out deliberately when she phones and I always rant to my DH when she has gone. For me if he would just say "yeah she was a bit out of order" or "I cant believe she said that either" I would accept it more and feel like he was on my side but he never does, he always makes excuses for her even though I know he agrees with me, its like a mortal sin to criticise her.

Like you all I have a million things she has said, but one of my favourites was when I had just had DS (three days after). I had a horrible pregnancy and labour and was all bloated and fat and miserable and tired and she said "goodness you haven't lost much weight, when I had my children my stomach was concave a week later". If I could have moved out of the hospital bed I may well be typing this from prison

You're not alone, mine did this

(Don't know if that will work!)

Sorry it's long, but easier than writing it all again. That was almost 6 months ago and she still has not apologised. I'm now pregnant with a ds and she still can't bring herself to admit what she did even if only for the sake of her grandchildren. She's emotionally blackmailing dp into feeling guilty for not letting her speak to my dd's. Regardless of all that, she is controlling and manipulative, critisizes my dd's constantly, bitches about everyone, acts like she is better than everyone else. I could go on all day, she is a vile, horrible person and it makes me want to cry when i think of her and the fact that she is my dc's grandmother. And my dp's mum. He is cut up about her behaviour and he has no other family really, and she doesn't seem to know (or care) what she's doing to him. She is very immature, and i really don't know how to handle her because she talks over you, has an answer for everything and is always right.

Sorry for highjacking your thread! But no, you're not alone. I feel as though i am sometimes because people who don't know exactly what she's like just say "oh its because she's your MIL", but she's not simply an 'awkward MIL', she is ruining my life!

My MIL was a lovely old lady who died years ago so I have to admit no experience in this.

But what makes me worry when I read threads like this is that I have two sons and may one day be a MIL. It must be like tip toeing on eggshells trying not to offend the DIL so that you can play a part in the life of your grandchildren.

Wow..just read your thread Bella365.

I hope that rancid old bag doesn't see your kids still....don't feel any guilt about her, she sounds like a nightmare.

Your kids will benfit more if they never see there GM again...take care not to come across her now you are PG if she is violent.

I can't stand my MIL either....theres a lot of it about lol.

inthesticks-It´s not a question of tiptoeing around trying not to offend DIL-it´s a question of just being friendly & respectful imo.

And don´t put your son in the position of choosing between you & his wife.

Unless she´s really difficult-shouldn´t the fact that your son loves her be enough?

Can you be firm and clear with her? I would treat her like a toddler - i.e. tell her what is acceptable and what is not, then if she breaks the rules, withdraw privileges i.e. leave her house immediately, withdraw invitations, etc. She might get the message. It might be a very painful process to go through, but she might get the message. You, after all, have all the power ...

wow Bella365, you have it really bad. I think you should keep your kids away from her forever. Never mind any other relationship, they are your priority and you are clearly a very good mum and not acting over the top at all.

I have just had a HUGE fight with DH (right now I would rather call him EH - evil husband!!) His mother just rang to TELL him that his brother and wife ARE coming to stay with us next spring for three weeks. Let me explain them: they have five kids, all of whom are the most rude, unruly, nasty children you will ever meet. They live in Oz and we stayed with them for 6 days two years ago and honestly I am not making this up - they range from 1 to 13 and have no bedtime, they go when they want. If you suggest they might be tired they scream at you as they are allowed to stay up until they fall asleep in front of the TV (they can watch what they like) They live on chocolate and frozen chips and if you suggest they try something else they scream. You cant go anywhere with them as it is so embarrassing as they kick off and shout at the slightest thing. They regularly wreak the house, scribble on walls, smash toys, punch each other and other children and are never disciplined.

They want to stay with us for three weeks (although they haven't asked, they have just told my MIL to tell us) I have said no, they can stay for a week but that is all as I will be back at work then, my DS will be in nursery and I am strict on bedtime, correct food, manners etc as I want to raise a polite well rounded kid. My DH has just kicked off and said that I am laying down the law and that whilst he agrees he doesnt want them to stay he wont say no as that would upset MIL and his brother. BUT! it is ok to upset me.............. seriously, I love my DH but right now I am feeling so unsupported, its like everyone else matters except me. I honestly feel like I want to take my DS and run away! DH has now informed me he is taking DS to see MIL to let me calm down. I dont want him to take DS to see her even but am apparently "unreasonable and hormonal" which is what I always am if I object to anything involving his family.

It is the one thing that gives me solace about not being able to afford a big house. Our flat is FAR too small for ILs to think of staying with us.