For those who have left emotionally abusive relationships

[malinkey]

...how do you deal with your exP seeing your DCs?

Do they have the 'normal' amount of contact? Does your exP treat the DCs well? Or have you had to limit contact?

I'm not sure what I'm asking exactly but wonder whether you have any worries about your exP looking after your children on his own? My 'D'P is very good with our DS, apart from sometimes being a bit grumpy, but I suppose I just worry if when we split up how he will be with him. He hasn't done anything bad to merit my thinking he won't treat him well, it's just that he hasn't always treated me well IYSWIM.

I would be interested to hear your experiences of this. Thanks.

Hi Malinkey,

This is something I've worried about a lot. My ex has our DD during the days on Mondays and Fridays and every second weekend (she's 2.7). On the face of it, things seem to be going very well, and she's always asking when she'll see daddy, but I'm always, always on the lookout for what might be going wrong. She had a cut on her face recently which she said happened when a boy pushed her against a park bench and daddy cleaned her face, but the way he kept repeating it with her in the exact same words made me wonder if it was just a cover story. I honestly don't know if I'm paranoid or too far the opposite.

It's hard because you can't stop contact on the basis that you fear potential harm, when there's no actual harm to show. And if he can step up to the mark, I genuinely want her to have a relationship with him.

There are posters here who've said that exes who've been abusive to them have still managed to be okay fathers, so I think all you can do is let it happen and keep as close an eye on things as possible. But it's scary.

Well, for me it's very early days. I've been in my new place a week and so far exP has stuck to his line of 'I don't want to see DS, I will only see him on Mondays and Thursday 5-7pm so his grandmother can see him then as usual. That's it.'. So DS's Nana comes over to exP's to give DS his dinner, like always. She seems happy with this, and happy that I'm making efforts to continue the routine.

But exP is totally obstructive. He feels it would be better for DS (who is almost 2) if he didn't see him anymore, DS will 'forget quickly' and move on, have a new stepdad someday, blah blah. I think he just can't bear to lose control of the situation, so he's doing the only thing that ensures he is still in a position of calling the shots: refusing to see him often. he only agreed to the twice a week with DS's grandmother there when I really pushed it. I think there's also an attitude of, 'You don't want to be with me? Then I have no reason to be nice anymore, and you won't get shit from me!' which is very disappointing.

I have been through the whole gamut of emotions, to complete despair on DS's behalf at the prospect of growing up without a Dad as I had to do, to blazing anger at exP, and I'm sure exP has enjoyed every moment of my turmoil. Now I just feel pity for him, it's really his loss. I'm hoping he will come around and step up to the plate in the future, but I'm not holding my breath. I've tried very hard to ensure DS sees his Dad a lot, taking an expensive property because it was very close and I thought they'd see each other every day. Really though you can just try your best, and if they are total tossers about it then that's their lookout. A part of me is glad that exP is still trying to rattle me, rather than taking out stuff on DS. Though obviously his actions have a massive knock on effect, at least I don't worry about DS because he's mostly with me.

dc dad is a much better father now we are split up than he ever was when we were together.

mines has a habit of only being emotionally abusive to partners though.

and now he has to see them on his own than for me to do all the dogs work he has been good at taking them for trips out, cooking, etc.

was a bit rough at first as he was trying to get me to do the baths and feeds and generally still run around dropping them to him in pj's , or coming to collect them and receiving them in pj's the next morning.

after a few run ins regarding this he soon got to grips with it.

Hi malinkey, I worry about this too. I left my ex nearly a year ago and I still think his interactions with DD are more about winding me up than genuinely forming a relationship with her. I was on here posting earlier in the week because H suddenly announced he wanted her to sleep at his flat Mon to Weds each week, having really not had much contact with her throughout this year (the level of contact being set by him).

Vicky - it's interesting that your ex said it would be better for your DS not to see him any more. Mine initially said exactly the same thing. Just a few weeks ago he said, randomly, "when you get a new partner I'll be really supportive because it's important that DD has a father figure in her life." However, at other times he swings around and makes extreme contact requests- I think because he knows that will upset me.

Anyway, the main point is that, like Nickname, I worry a lot about DD when she is with ex-H. However, I try to remain open minded and hope (for her sake) that he is able to step up and be a decent father for her, even though he was a crap husband and is an unpleasant person. I agree that you should let reasonable contact happen and just try to stay very aware of what's going on. My outlook is that I will rely very heavily on my instincts in this regard- yes, the ones I ignored completely while putting up with 5 years of marriage to this twat.

And come here for support, as there are lots of people in the same boat!

Thank you everyone for your replies. Sorry I wasn't around yesterday as 'D'P arrived home unexpectedly and I don't want him to find out I'm on here so didn't get a chance to reply before!

I'm quite scared about the whole prospect of him looking after DS on his own but am really hoping that he'll be able to step up and be a decent father. But as Moll said, he's also a crap husband and generally unpleasant person so doesn't bode well. But I will be monitoring closely whatever happens when we get to that stage. Have just got to deal with actually splitting up first which I'm really scared about as expect he's going to make everything difficult.

As someone else wrote on another post I really wish I'd picked a better father for DS

We split almost 2 years ago but I only moved out (with DDs) in April. Since then things have generally been ok. Some evenings when DD2 (10) is at dad's on her own she phones me to chat because he is upstairs working and she is bored. DD1 (12) at boarding school so DD2 is often alone with him. I get cross on her behalf because he has her 1/3 of the time, me 2/3 and he should be making the most of it.

Last weekend I did a charity walk and got home at 3.15am, she was on the phone at 10am asking when I would pick her up. I suggested he drop her off instead so I didn't have to rush around getting ready, and when she asked him 'Can you take me back to Mummy?' he replied 'Why, don't you like it here?' It is typical of him to put her on the spot like that and make her feel uncomfortable.

Things aren't ideal, but then I knew he was a difficult, often obnoxious, man so I didn't expect them to be. However, living here with the girls is a million times better than us all sharing a house!

My ex was impressively EA and controlling, however he sees a lot of my DD and I encourage it. What I struggle with is when he plays games with her feelings to get to me. Case in point, last weekend they went away in his campervan with friends which seems to have been a ruse for her to meet his new girlfriend because then he knew it would get back to me. She's a bit upset and confused by it.

On balance, I am a supporter of the idea that children have a right to see their parents, not that I let her see my ex IYSWIM. She already is less bothered about seeing him (after a year) and I think in time the relationship may well drift away. However I still want her to have what she can out of a father-daughter relationship, even if I have to bite my tongue sometimes.

Also having been helpful, my ex has less things to pick arguments about with me. He also doesn't want her for too long and when he has her, makes sure his relatives or remaining friends are around. Actually looking after himself is too much like hard work for him to be properly arsed, especially the less public bits.