I miss my brother

[FearlessLeader]

We were close enough as kids, and grew apart in our teens (as you do). My brother had some health issues (physical and mental) in his teens and early 20's which caused him to drop out of school at 14 and since then he's done nothing at all with his life. Still lives with mum, no steady job, no qualifications, nothing (he's nearing 30). I think he hates my DP. He's very rude to my mum. Sometimes I really dislike him. I had a baby 4 months ago and he's seen my DS once when I was over at mum's. He sort of said Hi and then wandered off. When we were younger I was probably a bit bossy with the "get out of mum's house and get a life" business, but i also tried very hard to understand what he'd been though.

It really upsets me. It didn't for a while, I resigned myself to the fact that he's just a bit selfish and doesn't feel very close to me because I wasn't there for him. But I miss him. I wish he wanted to get to know his nephew. I worry about him quite alot because his two best mates have both moved away and started families. I had all these fantasies about DS bringing us closer together, and maybe my brother looking after DS every now and then (he's very good with kids and has worked in child care before), and outings for lunch etc now I'm on mat leave and he's at home all day...

Has anyone any ideas? I've tried to casually send texts to invite him out but he ignores me. I know if I spoke to him directly he would fob me off.

Very difficult situation this, I do feel for you (DH and I have no contact with BIL at all these days).

Would not send any more texts to him (as these are non communication really). If you do talk, talk to him directly on your own even though you may be rebuffed (which is a distinct possibility).

Have you been able to talk to your Mother at all about him recently and his life at home these days?. Presumably she finds things hard at home too but clams up when you try to address the problems with her (I know my MIL does and her unemployed son who is still at home is rude to her as well). However, she is playing a role here too. Enabling him like she perhaps is doing is actually doing her son now favours at all and just gives her a false sense of control.

You mention previous physical and mental issues re him, are these still ongoing problems?. Clinical depression as well may be playing a role here too particularly today. Of course you don't have to answer that but if this is the case you may well have an uphill battle. He is now an adult and has made his own choices here. If he does not want to seek help you cannot make him do so.

I would be interested to read other replies to your post as it may help me indirectly too.

Don't write off his interest in your son. My BIL really didn't like children when we had our first, but has been slowly brought round by them over the years and is now the most doting Uncle (still claims not to like children but spends all his time and money looking for presents they might like and talking to them about Nintendo!).

Is there anything you could ask him for help with? PC help or something? It sounds like his self esteem is low and everyone (including you) is racing ahead with their lives, making it all the more painful that he isn't with his. If you could put him in a position whereby he is needed by you, that could help.

Attila yes that's what's happening with mum. Clams up, shrugs shoulders.
The health issues were him mangling his arm rollerblading when he was 11 and spending alot of time in hospital as a result. He missed alot of school and became very socially awkward which lead to anxiety. There are other things but they're the main ones. So he doesn't have huge mental health issues as far as i'm aware of. He's very popular these days, no social problems there. he's incredibly good looking so there's always plenty of girls around trying to 'save' him. I might try talking to mum again. Or dad might be a better option. I'm worried if i try to talk to him (brother) it will turn into a confrontation. I really am angry at him for alot of his behaviour. But i know he's always going to be that way, and will never apologise for it. I'd like him in our lives anyway.

pinkpanettone yes maybe i'll just have to hold on and wait for DS to get a bit bigger and more fun! he really does love kids, we have half brothers who are almost 20 yrs younger than us and he loves hanging out with them, playing cricket etc.

I was wondering why you would like such a person in your life (even though he is your brother) bearing in mind his behaviour towards you and your Mum now.

I would talk to your Dad if you think he will offer good counsel. If he's going to rant then you would actually be better off seeking counsel elsewhere.

Your brother does seem like the archtypical angry young man. He however, needs to seek help to deal with all his problems and it is his choice currently not to (he certainly does not need someone to "save" or "rescue" him here, those girls need to be told!!). He has made his own choice to live as he does and how he does. Your Mother needs to get tougher with her son but she has no idea really what to do with him (its the same with my ILs, they have no idea either).

Personally I would cultivate relationships with people who are like minded, people who will bring something positive to the relationship. Even though he is family you may ultimately have to walk away from him because he does not want help of any sort.

My guess too is that he will still be there with your Mum in another 3-5 years time as well.

Not trying to excuse his behaviour at all, but none of it is "banish him from our lives" stuff. It's more things like turning up an hour late to xmas lunch, leaving everyone waiting because he's sleeping off a bender, or borrowing mum's car to go to the shops 15 minutes before she goes to work and not telling her where he's going or how long he'll be, then brushing it off with a "but the car's back in time, i don't know what your problem is!". Sort of real teenage behaviour, but not deliberately nasty.

I don't think i was very clear about the brother/dad stuff (i think i had 2 trains of thought going) I think i can talk to dad because he's a bit removed from the situation and he's had the best success so far getting him to do something with himself (got him to start a diploma, has set him up with a few temp jobs).
I can't talk to my brother because I feel like shaking him sometimes. But it's his life to do with what he will, I'm not his mum and won't be telling him what to do with it (it's taken me many years to realise that!)

I want him in my life because he's great fun and good company. And he's my brother and i do love him. When i was back at uni 3 years ago we spent a bit of time together, going to pubs, hanging out at his place (he moved out of mum's for a while) when we were too poor to go to the pub. I think he felt i was more on his level then, and perhaps thinks we have nothing in common now?

He really is so good with kids, our (much younger) cousins just go nuts everytime he's around. I know DS will completely dote on him one day if my brother got to know him.

How does your DH feel about his brother? Were they close beforehand?