think dp and i are growing apart..what do i do to fix it?

[mummysgoingmad]

We've had a lot going on lately, i'm not going into all the details but needless to say we've both been pretty stressed out, and now we're moving, which i'm thrilled about but as you can imagine moving is stressful in itself without any other issues!

Anyway lately i've been feeling we're growing apart, every conversation i have with him at the moment feels monotonous, and sometimes i feel he sees the world from a totally different angle from me. He'l make things up in his own head for instance he told his sister in front of me i said he didn't have any friends, firstly i have never once said this and secondly that he said it in front of his sister.
Today on the bus into town with our 18 month old ds he said (in total clarity for anyone else to hear) sorry if i wore you out last night! I mean ffs, is there any need to say that in public!!

I honestly dont know what to do, lately when he trys to cuddle me or kiss me i push him away, i tryed to be cuddly last night but it really didn't feel the same so i said i was tired and went to sleep. I haven't spoken to him about it, and yes i know i should but i dont know how to best word my feelings without hurting his iyswim.

Try and have a laugh... it sounds like its all got a bit wierd and serious. My relationship would have died on the vine a long time ago if we didn't laugh because we truly don't understand each other quite a lot of the time (culture / language / etc.). The comments about having no friends or wearing you out would have started some major p*ss taking in our house. Maybe thats what your partner was trying to do ... or maybe not.

You said yourself that need to have a chat and I think you are right. Just be clear about what you want to achieve from the conversation. Good luck, hope things cheer up.

Just wanted to say I am not sure how to help but I am kind of having the same problem just now. I feel like "D"P and I are drifting apart. It is becoming really obvious to me but he doesn't seem to notice.

We are meant to be emigrating (?!?) and have been going through the long drawn out process and everything was given the green light but we have still not made the move yet. Now that we are drifting apart, it seems stupid to then move to another country with no friends or relatives but he really wants to go.

I am not happy about living with someone who I believe no longer loves me and is no longer really interested in anything I have to say so I am just kind of the live in help now and can't remember the last time we had a meaningful conversation.

Is this what happens when you have young children? Do you go through a rough patch like this or is it just that the relationship has run its course?

I of course would love it if suddenly he started treating me like a princess we could just fall in love again but I think we have always had a bumpy relationship and maybe it shouldn't have really lasted this long and I am now only just realising it... I dunno

Sorry - seems like I have hijacked a bit but I am interested in what people have to say about your situation too.

Hope someone comes along with some words of advice soon

The other thing I work very hard on is engaging my DP in a positive way. Leading by example rather than telling or asking. Like giving compliments, remembering to smile and asking questions (quite often about stuff I'm not massively interested in.) and listen. I then find I get the same behaviours back. Its hard for someone to resist a positive interaction and some attention. From this comes the confidence to talk more and do more together.

If this sounds daft - please bear in mind I moved to a different country with someone from yet a different country! We had to learn how to communicate on a deep level with each other as we are so reliant on each other and for us trying to explain things verbally doesnt always work.

(And I don't get it right all the time and we do have some pretty stupid arguments before you go thinking I'm Mrs Smug )

Well, this may seem a superficially simple answer, try the book The Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr. Laura. Basically, along the line of strategy of REL-give more positive attention to him, about him, for him. It doesn't have to be about sex; a foot rub, a gesture or statement of gratitude for what he does (at work) without qualifying statements of compairson to what you do/have to put up with. More positive attention, guys like attention.

This should make some progress if he respects you.

However, your examples in OP begin to suggest to me, imho, that his respect for you might be slipping. The comment on the bus was blantantly degrading you and publicly at that.

The making up things in his own head is - well, here we go- called 'gaslighting'. It is a technique controllers use to make the subordinate one doubt their own mind. The controlling modis operandi is based on a foundation of disrespect. (He used his sister to degrade you through diminishing her opinion of you.)

If this is the first time that he has done it, you probably don't believe it. It is a slow drip kind of damage, but very serious damage and difficult to recover from.

Or perhaps he is making these comments publicly if he knows you will not protest in the moment. What was your response? Nothing? (Even if it was a shocked nothing...) Then, in his mind anyway, he is correct and he won that one.

It is late here, but I need to ask: are you moving away from your family and friends? If yes, then this is a great big red flag and your dp has tipped his hand.

Regardless of what you think of my post, please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

Sorry to turn a doomsday perspective loose on you, but please don't marry him or have dc (if you haven't already) until you get this figured out. If something I've written rings any bells, consider 'postponing' the move. No you do not have to go (and I know I don't know your circumstances, sorry). Emotional Abuse is never something to 'settle' for; you are better off without men(or women) like this in your life.