Those with siblings. What did you like/dislike growing up?

[WoodlandFaerie]

I now have two children, aged 4 and almost 7 months. For now, they absolutely adore each other. I am aware that this may change at any given time, but for now I feel lucky that the worst we deal with is the 4yo being overzealous in her love for her brother. In fact, this time, when we have been expecting jealousy to rear its head, we find she has in fact been waiting for this time, as he actually interacts a bit with her now. She loves it.

I want them to continue this way. But I know that in my family, siblings are not close. Some families grow up to be very close, and others don't. I know there are circumstances involved in my upbringing that influenced this, and those circumstances won't be present in the family I now have with DH and the children.

And I know that I cannot force them to love each other as older children, or as adults.

But, I can, we can ensure we provide the best possible environment for both of them, together as sister and brother, but also individually as daughter and son.

So, when you grew up, with your siblings, what things did you love? what things did you dislike/resent/wish were different? Did you feel your parents treated you more/less favourably or about the same, were your differences celebrated? similarities shared? Are you close to your siblings now? how do you think your upbringing together had an impact on that relationship now?

I'm the eldest of 5. 4girls & 1 boy.

Things I hated growing up.

Sharing a bedroom with sisters. Not as a small child maybe, but definately as I got older and there were more of us.

I was lucky to have some new clothes, as well as stuff from older cousins and rummage sales. Younger sisters rarely had anything new apart from a new school uniform. Mum always bought new school stuff and shoes.

The lack of space and privacy. The lack of money, a car, a fridge , a phone nice holidays.......this got harder the older I got. I was not a nice teenager! I felt very hard done by.

Also resented not being able to stay on after O levels. Parents very short of money, and mum said anymore time at school would be wasted on a girl.

Fights with my nearest (in age) sister. And I mean real fights!

Things I liked,

Having a baby brother....I was so proud when he was born. I was jealous of his little box bedroom later. I thought I should have it being the eldest.

Actually I quite liked having baby sisters too.

Looking back knowing Mum & Dad didn't have any favourites . They loved us all and really did do their best with very little money.

I never felt pressured to do well at school, and I don't remember any comparing with others.

We were all expected to do our bit work wise around the house. I was expected the be the little mother to the others, but never resented it.

We grew up knowing we would have to work from our mid teens and pay into the household. We knew there was no free meal ticket and if we wanted nice things & holidays it would be us that paid for them.

I did go on to have 6 DC myself. I wouldn't have had so many if I couldn't have provided for them. We have a large house so bedrooms aren't an issue, and everyone has their own space if they need it. DC haven't had everything the wanted but they have everything they need and some of the extras. They are expected to share games consols etc. and do so without hassle. I've made sure they stay at school until 18 and have given /will give them the chance to go to university if they want to. After that it's up to them. I won't pay for gap years or deposits for a house because grownups should provide for themselves. I also expect them to pay board and lodgings if they live permanently at home as adults. They thought I was joking about that one, but I wasn't!

Don't I waffle on!

Just one more thing. As adults DSis & DB are very close. Not living in each others pockets because we all have families and lives of our own. But we are the best of friends and we were there for each other. when are parents died and at other difficult times.

So the key here seems to be:

keep the age gaps reasonably close together ie not 10 years if possible (this was an issue for me and my sister, along with other stuff as she was 9 years older and assumed some sort of parental responsibility for me which meant our relationship was uneven, and now we do not speak, with that as a huge contributory factor, and have a brother 10 years older, who felt he ought to assume parental responsibility for the younger family and went rebel instead! left home when i was 6).

treat them equally/love them (actively show them) equally, do not have favourites.

Do not try to treat the older one too much like the older child, and conversely do not try to treat them too much like a baby (oh how hard will that be!)

Do not encourage too much competitiveness between them

Consider separate bedrooms as they grow up if not before.

Deal with fights by separating, but not necessarily trying to fix the problem, let them do that themselves.

Thanks ladies. Like i said, at the moment, DD just absolutely adores everything about her brother, apart from when he pulls a chunk of her hair out and even then she goes 'aaaaaaw bear cuuuuuub don't dooooo that, its my haaaair' and gets over it quickly.

I love the idea that they would want to call each other up for chats and maybe meet for a beer sometimes (or more than sometimes, regularly). I want them to be there for each other when we (DH and I) are gone. the death of my mother sort of cut the ties for my family. We were sort of set adrift and it is a bit lonely. I don't want that for them.

I wonder if it is something you can control very much. I have a close relationship with my eldest sister (9 years older than me) and although for a long while it was more mothering than sistering that was never a problem (well sometimes she was very bossy!). I also am close with my brother (7 years older) although he went to boarding school, so I didn't know him very much growing up. I'm least close to my middle sister (4 years gap) and we really didn't get on too well for many years. Mainly because we are very different, but also because I was/am a lazy tyke and she is very much more of a people pleaser, so that led to a certain amount of tension about chores etc. My brother is my mother's definite favourite, but that never led to envy because it was a very mixed blessing.

What I loved (and still do) about having siblings was the shared history and the feeling of being in a big bunch (we had lots of cousins too) and the great games my siblings played with me. Mostly I resented them being so much older than me, and excluding me at times for being too little.