How do I break contact with my mother?

[mummyfee]

My mother was violent, unpredictable, physically and emotional abusive when I was growing up. She clearly now doesn't have the same power over me but continues to be a fairly awful person - I am certain she has a personalility disorder as she just has no idea how to behave unless the response is fairly well scripted ie she can copy a friend but can't respond instinctively and uses social currency as her guiding principle ie both my DS1 and the grandchild of a friend of hers had 1st birthday parties on the same weekend, one on the saturday and one on the sunday. She decided that it would be too much to spend her whole weekend going to children's birthday parties so went to the friend's grandchild's party. For her there would be no value in coming to her own grandchild's party as none of her friends would be there.

I used to manage the relationship by just not seeing her very often but since having children I find her increasingly hard to take. I know she really doesn't give a crap about me or my children and that we are merely a consolation prize as my children are the only grandchildren she has contact with (my sister broke off contact a good few years ago) and she is aware what it will look like if she isn't in contact with. For some reason though I still find it incredibly hard to cut off contact. I did it a few years ago then weakened when I was pregnant with my first child and really regret that. I now have my wedding coming up (a small registry office thing) and I haven't sent out any invites yet as I can't bring myself to send her one.

How do I move forward?

Oh God you poor bugger. Sorry I don't have much in way of advice but bumping for you x

she sounds quite selfish. i really feel for you as my mother is the same. maybe your wedding is your chance for a new start and start as you mean to go on rather than have this through your marriage. you can break off emotionally and "manage" her although fro my experience thats hard. i dont know what you should do about your wedding though, can you write down some different scenarios and do positives and negatives for each one to help you decide? is your finace supportive of this?

I have a similar kind of relationship with my father. He shows no interest, makes no effort, would go moths without seeing his grandchildren if I didn't call round with them occasionally.

It has taken me a long time, but I found what worked for me, was to just accept him how he is and stop fighting it. Stop expecting him to be nicer. Stop hoping he will become a caring and thoughtful person.

I maintain a very superficial relationship with him, just birthday/christmas cards/gifts, occasionally seeing my children, and just get on with my life.

I also arranged my whole wedding in a way that ensured there would be no possibility of him getting involved - he came as a guest like everyone else and nothing more. I think that planning a wedding, thinking about families and relationships, brings it all to the fore. And sometimes really flags up how crap/odd/dysfunctional some people are?

Hope you make peace with yourself, I wouldn't feel under any obligation to invite her myself, but it is you and your partners day - don't let your mum overshadow the main event

i did it, and thinking about it is the worst part.

when you actually stop, you feel like a weight has lifted from your shoulders. you can breath again. my mother was a selfish abusive arse aswell. i have no regrets - well maybe one - that is took me until i was 30 to do it.

i am so much happier now, i dont have to justify my decisions, or beg forgiveness when ive done nothing wrong, or feel inferior. i just changed my phone number. simple as that. then moved house with no forwarding address. i wrote to her, once, explaining my decision and got no response which spoke volumes! no dialogue to have really, so that was that.

i thought she was dead actually. then i found out she wasnt. didnt change a thing for me and thats when i knew id done the right thing. good luck.
you can choose your friends, but it may surprise you to learn you can also choose your family too.

Thanks for the replies.

I think that if the childhood stuff was the limit of it I may be able to consider continuing a relationship with her but it's the fact that she is still pretty awful that makes that hard. She is nice to me on the phone but as soon as she visits she loses sight of me entirely and goes into hyper-grandmother mode. She's so over the top she scares my nearly-three year old, she's rude to me and always over stays her welcome. I know that if my brother ever has a family she'll drop us, which, to be honest, would be fine with me but I don't want my children to be hurt. She has also started to show impatience with my toddler which for me feels like the thin end of the wedge.

The trouble with the wedding is that she does need to be centre stage - she even does it at funerals. She wore a mini skirt to me grandfather's funeral (my father's father) because she thought my step mother would be there, she got drunk, flirted with my dad and made up stories about how great she was to my grandparents in the old days. At my uncle's (whom she had disowned over the phone a few days before he died) she didn't understand why I was upset - I was very close to my uncle - flirted with his friend when she found out he held all of the legal documents and bank account details, tried to fix me up with the friend's nephew, despite the fact that I was living with my boyfriend at the time. Argh, it's endless. I don't know why I feel any pity for her. I just need the courage to cut off. About 6 years ago I started therapy and found it very confusing to be dealing with the childhood stuff while still trying to please my parents so I wrote them both a very nice letter explaining about the therapy and that I just needed some space to try and work a few things out. My dad called me and left a message saying that he hoped it went well, he would respect my need for a bit of a break but if I needed him he was there. My mother spent weeks making threatening phone calls, then a week or two of nothing and then lots of cards with kittens on.

Vicarinatutu - well done for managing it. We are planning on moving but not in the immediate future but I am about to change my mobile number at least so maybe that's my first step. I just know that there will be a sh*t storm. I'm just trying to deal with PND at the moment too.

Moaningminnie - I used to manage the relationship like that but I can't get the emotional distance since having the children. When she's sat on the sofa in my house a few days after I've given birth going on about how many child murders there are these days (she's obsessed with child murders and would endless recount them to us as kids, especially the Moors murders and the details of the case) and then goes on about how awful my babies' name is I just want to explode (which I probably should do). It doesn't feel possible any more to ignore her.

BTW my parents divorced when I was 15 - my dad suffered from severe depression when married to her and attempted suicide a few times. He did just deal with it all, or not deal with it all, by being absent. He died four years ago. Just adding that in case anyone wonders about him and how he fits in to all of this.

Single1ds - best case scenario is that she might behave. She hasn't met DP's family yet and so it would be the first time at the actual wedding. If we keep the whole thing short and don't hang around long enough for her to get drunk it's possible it will be ok. In this situation she is more likely to start being abusive to her DH, especially once she's got a drink inside her. However, it is fairly likely that there will be drama. She isn't in contact with my sister and her family (DH and 4 children) and this will be the first itme she will have seen them in about 5 years. My brother isn't in contact with my sister. He has some MH issues (don't we all!) and is encouraged by my mother to maintain his feeling of being a victim because it suits her for him to blame my father and sister for everything. He is likely to kick off, though this may only turn out to be that he won't come along. He lives with my mother so breaking off contact with her will limit contact with him, though actually I don't hear from him all that much anyway.

My DP is very supportive. He can't stand my mother and can't understand why I am in contact with her at all, all though sometimes this just makes things harder as his reluctance to see her just makes me more stressed on the few occasions that I do. He is worried though about the impact of a big family drama whilst I am trying to get through PND.

Mummyfee, I so know where you are coming from!

After years of crap, we have had a recent explosion which has led to no contact between me and my mother and I have to say it is such a relief.

It has taken years for me to do, she very nearly derailed my wedding in the same way you are fearing.

With the help of a counseller I have stopped contact and am learning that I can't change her, I just have to learn to put her in a box and then get on with living my life in the way that is right for me, my husband and children.

A few things have crept in that have made my resolve wobble but honestly no contact has lifted a massive weight off my shoulders.

Let her go, remove her from your life, she is toxic and doesn't deserve you.

mummyfee, you poor woman. My Mum is similar and I have not spoken to her in over ten years. I am biased but a strong proponent of going no contact. Have you been to the Stately Homes thread? We speak your language.

FWIW, it's your wedding day and, regardless of how she behaves, you'll be worrying all day. Don't invite her or your brother. Enjoy your day.

Hahaimawitch - well done for breaking contact. That resolve wobble is what I worry about as she knows I'm soft hearted but I do so regret getting back in contact after last time. She would certainly do an awful lot of stirring with the wedding if she could. She didn't even show any interest in it whatsoever when DP and I got engaged. It was only when her friend's daughter got engaged and started planning a wedding that she suddenly started talking about it and making demands on who would be there and who would give me away. Good luck with sticking with it and I hope that the counselling is working.

Queenofwhatever - Thanks. I have popped over to the stately homes thread. I found it a bit overwhelming to be honest, not just because it's so long and I don't know where to begin, but lots of the posts I've read so far really ring true for me and I guess that because I am thinking of cutting her off all of the anger is rising to the surface.

I came to peace with my relationship with my Dad over quite a long time, and would say I spent a lot of time crying over it, fighting, etc.

I think in the end I essentially grieved for the relationship I had expected/father I thought I had, then went forward from there.

The toxic parents book they recommend on the stately homes threads is good too, quite enlightening - I have lurked on there but it is quite established and don't want to barge in

Fighting the urge/need to get their approval is one of the hardest things I think. And other people can find it hard to understand just why they are 'difficult'.

I got to a stage where I thought, I would not tolerate any other adult speaking to me like a piece of shit, and I should be able to expect better from my parent. It is quite lonely though, when the one person who should love you unconditionally cannot.

I still have an occasional thought to ring with news, eg DC started walking today, got a first tooth, whatever. But then if they cared about the DCs, they might phone occasionally and ask after them? So I tell someone else instead, someone who gives a shit

I still maintain it's your wedding though, don't give her the opportunity to taint it. You have made your own family