Patronising DH

[fedora]

I have a problem that has been going on in my marriage since the beginning of relationship really, over 8 years. I don't like the way DH talks to me at times. I find it very, very patronising. He can also be very critical but he has worked hard at this. But there are times when I just think he's being a twat. He knows that I find one or two household chores a real struggle because I used to suffer from OCD a long time ago, and recently had therapy for perfectionism. We have a new chest of drawers for DS and I was putting clothes into it today, with DH and DS helping. DH knows I find this stressful and I got into a bit of a tizz about what should go where. But instead of helping me today with this, he says "it doesn't need to be optimum, it just needs to be good enough." Which I find extremely irritating as it is finding the 'good enough' that is exactly what I struggle with! And that didn't answer my question on a practical level.

Last night, when I asked him a question about how many portions of (microwavable fresh food) was left, he didn't answer, just gave me a look. Finally he said that I should be able to work it out for myself because I'd bought the food. I don't know why he can't just tell me the answer! I said he was being a twat, and he said well I knew the answer, why did I ask. The reason was because it wasn't as simple as knowing how many portions I bought, as the boys had some and I didn't know how much as DH fed them. But even if there was no reason, why couldn't he just answer the question? And why did he ignore me when I first asked? I said he was being a twat, he got offended.

I feel he very quick to get irritated with me and I've had enough of it. It makes me quite nervous to do things in front of him sometimes.

I said something today about not knowing how to mend a hole in DS's shorts and DH rolled his eyes. He is so clipped and impatient with me. We have huge arguments because of the way we speak to each other and we don't seem to move forward. I hate it. I see other couples who seem to talk to each other with respect and affection all the time. It makes me very jealous.

Sorry, just needed to rant

Me again. I'm sorry if I misunderstood your post initially. I have times when I get a bit 'over-sensitive' for want of a better word. This is unpredictable in my case and I tend to snap if things aren't going quite the way I wanted them to (I expect dh to read my mind..). I think my problem is control, I was in an abusive relationship and had mild ocd, but I have tried to moderate my responses over the years and it's better than it used to be. I'm not suggesting you are the same but does that ring any bells?

Hi Fedora,

Can I say that you have been brave putting this on here. You have asked for help and so far not many have given possitive advice, may be it is because they don't understand how you feel when your DH does these things, how cutting to the core it is because of a disorder you once had but even though most of it is over and done with still a small piece of it will stay with you and will pop it's head up in tense situations like these and your DH doesn't know enough of the disorder you once had to know how to cope with your reactions. Could I advise you to get to copies, one for you and one for DH of The Dummies Guide on CBT, it covers both aspects you both are dealing with and helps both of you to manage the situation in a way that you both can get on. It is a big book but you don't read all of it, just the bit's that apply to you both.

I've been in the same situation with my DH and it does work.

I also advise that you keep to your own chores till this has been knocked on the head.

Hope it helps

Regards
Elizabeth