Unconditional love - does it exist?

[NinaJane]

I grew up with parents who never really showed any real interest in what I did or didn't do. They were too busy struggling to survive and providing for us. The few times they did offer an opinion, it was usually a criticism. I always felt that they didn't accept me for who I was and that I could never please them.

Which is why, when I grew up, I longed to meet someone who would accept me with all my little oddities. I dreamt that I would one day marry a man who was kind and forgiving. Someone who would love me to death, no matter how many tantrums I threw or no matter how unreasonable or moody I was. I thought that that is what love is all about - you know, accepting each other unconditionally.

Now, my dh is a kind man and he does love me, but not in the way that I had hoped I would be loved. See, I am very disorganised. I have moments of blazing glory, where I sort everything out and get really really organized, but I run out of steam and can never sustain it. It doesn't come naturally to me. My dh says that I am an excellent mother and wife, but whenever we have a bit of a tiff, it always comes back to my lack of organisation. Dh says that he doesn't understand why I allow things to get so out of hand, when I know how unhappy and unsettled it makes him. He almost sees it as a personal insult to him.

I have over the years tried to be more organized (even joined The Fly Lady), but I always fall back into my old ways. Sometimes I get cross, because I think to myself, why can't my dh just accept me with all my shortcomings? I accept his'. I want to be loved unconditionally, I don't want to always feel like I am not making the grade. Why can't he just let it go?

Are there anyone here on MN who can honestly say that their dh/dp accept and love them unconditionally? Or am I being unreasonable to expect that from him?

i don't agree i'm afraid.

i love my dh unconditionally, but that doesn't mean he doesn't annoy the crap out of me sometimes. it means i love him despite xyz.

i do agree that acceptance would be nice, and i think we're working towards that.

what i'm saying is i don't think love and annoying habits are mutually exclusive.

have you talked to him about how you feel?

I think that you only love your children unconditionally.

I think wanting acceptance and love from your parents is a legitimate need, however filling that gap with longing for 'unconditional' love from a partner is not healthy imo

I can love my child unconditionally as it is pretty much what I need to do, to nurture and provide loving boundaries and guidance

but I don't love dh unconditionally, it is conditional on him acting in decent and loving fashion and vice versa iyswim

the things you mention with your dh are about balance of power within the relationship, I think, so if you out yourself in a position of always trying to please him I think you are in effect neglecting your own needs

look after yourself

he does love you unconditionally though.... doesn't he?

he doesn't withdraw his love when you do things that annoy you, he doesn't tell you he no longer loves you when you aren't organized.... he loves you despite all the things that make him unhappy and unsettled

loving someone unconditionally doesn't mean accepting every single little thing they do.
i love my children unconditionally- but I still HATE it when ds2 empties all the toys out with no intention of playing with them, or when ds3 repeatedly pulls the books out etc etc etc!

Yes. I love my husband and my children unconditionally. He is the first person in the whole of my life that I know loves me.

Ohhh, NinaJane, I have been horrible to friends & partners in the past: thinking that, if they loved me, they'd understand (or at least take what I dished out). I have taken, and 'understood', some truly foul treatment from others - because I loved them, and assumed the above. I thought I loved them unconditionally.

I made all these mistakes because, like you, I longed to meet someone who would accept me with all my little oddities. Like you, I was rarely a good enough child for my parents. They loved me conditionally. Being nothing but a child, of course, I loved them unquestioningly ... and so grew up to believe, in my heart of hearts, love hurts.

Put together the two concepts: love should be unconditional, and love should hurt; you're in for a world of pain. The facts are that every CHILD deserves and needs to be loved unconditionally. Every parent WILL be loved unconditionally by their child, and should strive to deserve it. NO healthy love between adults is unconditional.

You have the excellent & forgiving love of a man who accepts your foibles. That's what we said we wanted, isn't it, so why doesn't it feel enough? I think it's because we aren't used to being loved despite our flaws. If our parents had been more flexible, we shouldn't have grown up with this insoluble paradox! We'd just know - as, I imagine, your DH knows - that love is good, even with flaws.

We've now, sadly, gone past childhood without that affirming self-belief. But we still crave it. We're not kids any more, so we can't get it from anybody else. We can learn to love ourselves unconditionally, though. Once you've learned that, you'll be able to forgive yourself for getting all in a tizz about organisation ... as a bonus, it will probably become less of a problem

There are several good books to help, and of course this is exactly what counselling is for. Love you - you're worth it

(sorry for essay - just been talking about this with SIL)

I don't love my DH unconditionally

There are conditions attached...he must remain sexually faithful, he must treat me and our dc with respect and the same goes the other way

His annoying habits I accept, as part of him (doesn't mean I don't strive to get him to clear up the crumbs after he makes his butties for work....every single day...grrr)

I think you an "accepting" love, not an uncondiotional love...I only have that for myself and for my children

**I think you mean an "accepting" love...

We had a party at the weekend, mainly my friends and family. I got so drunk I passed out at 8pm and was sick in bed and left him to tidy everything up and sort the kids out... he missed the world cup.

In the morning I asked him if he was crossed and he just kissed me gently and said 'darling I love you just the way you are'

I would say yes it does exist.

Mind you, apart from my bad reactions to too much wine Im pretty bloody perfect

I think because of your childhood you may be looking for a bit more acceptance than many people from the person you are with... but if thats what you need thats what you should have. Its not asking too much, there are men out there who will love you for who you are.

[sticks tongue out at your mean man emoticon]

I am loved unconditionally, by my dog though.

LeQueen, I think they are extreems of unconditional love. All OP is asking is if DH should love her without the condition that she be super organised... and when shes not super organised he doesnt treat her in an unloving way.. I dont think thats too much to ask?

foureleven - I think it is to much to ask... after all OP doesn't like being disorganised herself and she says she has tried to be more organised, why should her DH like it???

I agree. He has the right to dislike chaos. She has the right to dislike organising. They compromise. This doesn't mean they have to adore each other's standpoint. They can absolutely loathe them, as long as they respect the fact that they differ in this way.

I think problems arise when there's an idealised (sacrificial) expectation of love. OP's already pointed up the effect of her parents' uncompromising attitude, and I feel she is correct in identifying the source of her fears. I often doubt whether anyone, who was properly supported in childhood, gets how much this craving can eat a person up. It's fixable, though

ItsGraceAgain talks much sense all over this thread The kind of love you are talking about should have come from your parents but sadly they let you down on this one. But you can't put that responsibility on your DH -- you have to love yourself unconditionally.

As for the organisation, surely in a married couple that's a joint responsibility and not just your problem. If he is naturally more organised than you then surely he can help do more of that kind of stuff (there must be other stuff that you're better at than him?). Eg I am much better at DH at organising and budgeting and paperwork etc. But i don't moan at him about it, I just do it myself! He's much better than me at putting up shelves and doesn;t expect me to do it!

Sorry IsGraceAvailable for getting your name wrong

No worries, Meg, tis me
And thank you for the compliment!

Hmm... I dont know. I was loved unconditionally by both my parents my whole childhood which is precisely why I demand it now..

I would have thought it would be better to be loved honestly and truly. Unconditionally? That gives me license to be an absolute prat.

And even when parents love unconditionally - they still put boundaries on behaviour. If a child behaves unreasonably every parent has an end point - such as throwing the child out of the house for constant drug use or violence.

True and honest love would expect decent behaviour in response to this love.

Well yes assuming that piss was not taken of course... but true love and respect between two people should not hold conditions such as organisation, tidiness etc..

You wouldn't get stroppy with your DCs if they kept making a mess or somesuch???? Good grief, I get stroppy with DC1 when he leaves his play room in a mess but I still love him to bits, stroppiness or not!!!

My love isn't conditional on their being neat and tidy but I still demand it (well, demand it being neatish...!), and will be disappointed with them if they keep it a mess.