Dating a man who sleeps with his ex

[fizzfiend]

well not exactly. I know what the standard advice for me would be: run away. But I was wondering if it always has to be this way.

Have been seeing a lovely man for 14 months. We are never going to live together or get married (neither of us want this having been married twice before). But once in a blue moon he sees his ex who usually lives abroad and being a woman lover and a man, I'm pretty sure he would sleep with her.

Am I an idiot to stick around? I have no concrete proof by the way, but I know what he's like. We have so much fun together and hhe's very loving and makes me very happy. But he's a typical man in that he doesn't see a "shag" in the same way as we women do. I know that's a generalisation and sorry to all the lovely loyal men out there.

I am so interested to hear all points of view. I am driving myself mad, not necessarily that he is going to run off with her. I really don't think that will happen. More the fact that he will compare us....she looks like a model and I am just normal. I know how this sounds....bloody terrible. I don't have self-esteem issues or anything..but we have the most wonderful times together and it would be a huge loss to have him out of my life.

I thought he wasn't your "OM" any more ?

well he's not really but I didn't know what to call him! Especially in the circumstances lol...oh look I got my sense of humour back thank God!!!!!

Actually, FF, the other thing I was going to say is if he isn't the monogamous type, so be it

If you decided to just carry on having fun, then that is Ok, as long as it is ok, IYSWIM

You do deserve some fun, tbh....just make sure that you get to play around with other men too

Don't commit to him, if he won't commit to you (I bet he won't like that though )

I honestly cannot see what the general problem is if you are technically still married but not married in any other sense of the word.

If you are highly religious then of course it may offend.

And I am not one of these people who wish to jump from one partner to another or actually agree with 'serial' jumpers.

I actually suspect that exh may have been seeing his current p while we were still living together but for me that was a minor thing and I don't really mind if he was or wasn't.

Much more painful was the long drawn out emotional abuse, the lack of affection and the burying in the sand about money and financial issues. They were what really rocked mine and dc's stability.

Thanks AF...we've both had bad experiences of getting into a committed relationship. Him more than me. So I do understand the reluctance to automatically dive in once again....

We have a very fun and mentally stimulating time together - my jealous streak sometimes gets the better of me, especially during mad hormonal days

I guess every relationship has its limitations/boundaries, and nothing is right or wrong (unless as sincity says you are religious).

Just needed some people with good advice to help me work it out. And so good to not be universally condemned because that doesn't help anyone.

So your man doesn't actually sleep with his ex? Not misleading - untrue.

Actually, fab, I think maybe she suspects he does (or he might do...) and is actually a teeny bit scared of finding out for sure

but < ssshhh > don't tell FF I said that

FF - you could be me! My 'OM' (although guess he's not OM now I am formally sep and living in my own place) is exactly the same. Isn't ready to commit and has said so on a number of ocassions, but always adds a 'yet' just to keep me around I guess. Isnt exclusive, but I do insist on honesty so I know he sometimes dates someone else, although he says he hasn't slept with her and oddly (maybe foolishly) I believe him. I have said that if that's what he wants to do, then he should, but I need to know about it. For me that would be when I walked away. Until then am just enjoying the time we spend together (and the great sex) and regularly doing a little 'me check' to see if I'm ready/want to try a fully committed relationship again. When I am, then I will discuss it with him and if he says no will walk away, break my heart though.

Just going by this AF - And I have to add my subject title was very misleading. To my knowledge he hasn't ever slept with his ex.

Have you asked him? If he is truthful and says yes then run away - really, just don't go there. If he says no then he might be being honest - or it could be a lie.

Do you actually KNOW he would sleep with her or is that just a feeling you get?

Sounds to me like you do want to be in a monogomous relationship with him as you have developed enough feelings to be jealous if he is with someone else. I'd say it's time to have the talk and if he says that he does want to sleep with other people, walk away, you will get hurt otherwise.

...and as for the.."he cannot be a lovely person"..from WWIFN..I would never follow that logic (do we presume that her husband cannot be a lovely person as he had an extra marital affair)? I can think of several people I know who I would class as lovely people who have got involved with marrieds when they were low and vulnerable and, as others have said, I know some nasty pieces of work who have not.

beingsetup....I don't know...it's a feeling. But I also know that I have slept with someone who meant absolutely nothing to me...it was just sex, just once. And I chalked it up to experience and walked away without thinking about it again (with any emotion anyway). So I do know that can happen too. And I also know that men are better at doing that than women.

I will ask him about it afterwards tho...and if he looks to the right it means he's lying apparently! Will keep you all updated soon!

watch his eyes !

Eurostar I have always said that infidelity doesn't make someone a bad person, but only if they regret deceiving their spouse and their family and do everything to right the wrong, or to decide that this is a horrible way of ending a marriage, even if that marriage did end as a result. Unlike many of you on here, I can never find any justification for deceiving someone and I'm afraid I really don't believe many of you would apply the same tolerance towards a man.

In my view two wrongs just don't make a right and one of the disadvantages to someone choosing an infidelity route instead of leaving their marriage ethically is that children and others tend to view that person as the bad guy. In a situation like this, I have often wondered why an open marriage wasn't negotiated, which is at least more ethical than deceit.

My H certainly wouldn't be a lovely person if he thought now that infidelity was okay, but he doesn't, or I wouldn't be with him. I was simply pointing out that people who have affairs with married men/women and don't regret anything about it - the lies and the deceit especially - are not lovely people.

Who said that monogamous people were by definition lovely either? Infidelity is only one of many marriage-reducing behaviours and if poodie's friends have put up with bullying and chauvinism, then more fool them, but if this is true, why do people wait for another man to come along to leave? Are people really too scared of being on their own anymore?

Fizzfiend, I genuinely hope it works out for you and all I would advise you again is to not suppress what you genuinely want from this relationship. It's perfectly okay to ask for monogamy, just as it it to refuse it. What wouldn't be okay would be for him to promise it and then deceive you, which is after all, where we came in.