Attempting closure after an affair. WWYD?

[vertigo]

I have been reading avidly around the whole affair/what to do and decided to post my own so as to not hijack others.

This is a bit shutting the door after the horse has bolted but...

The father of my 2dcs left end Jan 2010. In a nutshell I asked him to marry me shortly after birth of dd and approaching my 40th in May 09. It kick started the breakdown as he said no and when pushed said he no longer loved me.

Mid May I discover he has been dating since at least end January - and a woman who I found inappropriate emails from in Jan 09.

I have recently found new information confirming an affair did take place between (ex)P and OW whilst our relationship was breaking down and possibly a cause of it breaking down.

To date he has been adamant that he left me, not for anyone. It is coincidence that he is now (living) with OW and that he met someone so quickly and I am at fault for the breakdown.

Also he has convinced his family and mutual friends of this version and therefore my behaviour (anger, sadness, lostness, bewilderment etc) is due to inability to let go and jealousy.

Whilst confirmation of the affair has been extremely emotionally liberating I am finding it hard to rise above the character besmirchment that the public version of events puts on me.

I strongly feel I want him to face up to it and to admit to our families the full truth of what went on.

Given that this flawed character doesn't care for me anymore (although said he still loves me but is not in love and lied so as not to hurt me) and is living with OW (early 20s, childless - party type fwiw - I am 40 just - nice way start to it - he 3yrs younger than me).

Is there a way of pursuing this successfully? - or a method by which I can move on without this closure? It seems so unjust that a) he did it b) he left me, ds,and dd c) I am carrying the can for it.

I am not sure how to co-parent successfully whilst this remains as it is. I can see there is little for him to gain from confession though, especially if my negotiating skills are based on indignant anger and pain.

Many thanks if you can help give me a steer.

what proof have you

i'm sorry

maybe right now you can't co parent? maybe you need to wait for some of the anger to pass

maybe for now you just need emails/texts and communication limitied to children only

you are very very raw, so take one day at a time and focus on YOU and the DC

I also understand that you want to tell family that he left you for the OW. this will come out in time

my suggestion would be to get the legal/money and acess sorted first, and the rest can wait

Vertigo, this happens a lot and if it helps, most people are not fooled one bit by the miraculous arrival of a new partner so soon after a relationship has ended. But I would say that you don't have to pretend anything to others. As calmly as you can, tell people that contrary to what your ex is saying, he was having an affair for some time before he left - and that you can prove it.

Tell him this too - that regardless of what delusions he might have, or stories he is weaving, you know the truth. I would add in your exchange with him that in fact this has brought you enormous closure and that you feel liberated by that knowledge. You now know that were in a relationship with someone who persistently lied to you and treated you with disrespect and you are glad that you don't have to be with this person any longer, because he is not worthy of you.

Add that this has been enormously positive, because you can now see a time when you will meet someone who isn't unfaithful and who will meet your needs.

Smile when you're saying all this. To him and others. Keep dressing it up as a monumental relief that you now know the truth and can move on.

It's impossible to believe you are a jealous mess if you keep up this facade for a while - and it will make him look an arse too. If friends/his family persist with their belief that this woman is a recent arrival, just grin and say that you'd never thought they were that daft .

brilliant advice from wwifn

custardo - emails.
It isn't as far as "Didn't we have a great time when we had sex for months whilst your P was with your children".
First a little history: In Jan 09 I discovered emails from the now OW which seemed like she was building up to a pass and he, whilst not actively giving a green light, was not discouraging either. Their thread stopped after he knew I discovered it (with a last few things from her saying where are you etc etc then oh no I am so embarrassed I'll stop liking you).

Lately I read:

?They talk about a secret account they had (which they are relieved to no longer have to use). She even says wait can't Vertigo still read this...

?The day after leaving he says "Night girlfriend. ACTUAL girlfriend" and she: "Am I your girlfriend again then?"

?Again day after he left he refers to her "bloody Xmas present being delayed again. Can't wait to see you open it"

? OW also refers to "wanting to get back to the pureness they had. Can she now dream of them again" etc

It is only partial (ie the only account accessible to me ... my computer doesn't log out properly when anyone uses it and he can't resist during access with dcs). There was clearly work email exchanges and secret account which would reveal more.

I would kill to see/find the secret account.
In part, WWIFN, it was your salient advice on Cote's thread regarding secrets that made me realise the validity of my response to - at the very least - an emotional affair. Ie I had enough to go on pre-finding all this.

I now believe they had an affair, he stopped it briefly to try again with me. His attempt was short lived and half hearted due to feelings for her and then he mentally planned (and physically ie Xmas present) to return to her but acted awfully so that it would be me who called time. (She seemed surprised when he first contacted her).

porcamiseria true we are still in the throes of sorting out the money. He is paying more than legally necessary but less than covers actual bills. So to learn of Xmas present (we got each other a token book to save ££) really hurts although I don't know what it was. (His ebay account suggested a synthesiser - she's in a band - to the tune of £100s).

Wwifn - whilst prior to all this - seemingly lovely people (everyone ends up looking so Jeremy Kyle in this yet in RL all seem normal) - exPs M and SD look to have done similar in the past. They both left partners so possibly cannot afford to believe "my version".

I want to future proof my relationship with them for sake of DCs and ringfence it separately to exP. Plus - I love them tbh. I have invested emotionally in him and them too. Perhaps this is unrealistic though. It is in part what is driving me to have him confess to me and them.

Your advice seems most realistic and do-able - although I am still tempted to dig and push to get the truth as it is still piecemeal. The closure everyone talks about re knowing the entirety of what it was (and why he gave himself permission to do it).

as a ps:

I would say he loves the dcs but this love doesn't necessary translate into having to spend time with them. He is satisfied with mid week afternoon and random weekend days. (again email threads suggest complete infatuation and dcs a poor second). I am torn as the lions share of looking after is mine and I'm looking at a lonely stretch but at the same time the party lifestyle they are living would not be something I would want my dcs exposed, or potentially exposed, to.

I think his choice of new P reflects a desire to live the antithesis of family life and it is such a shitty thing to acknowledge that he won't - even to himself - and it was projected onto me. But tricky thinking this in a vacuum.

Sorry - turned into a stream of consciousness.

It certainly does sound undeniable from the evidence you found that there was at the very least an emotional affair (and more likely it was more than that) before your DH left you and the DCs. That whole "am I your girlfriend AGAIN" line really gets my goat on your behalf.

You've had some excellent advice from WWIFN here. I second what she says. I can absolutely see why it's so galling for you that your DH isn't coming clean about his true reasons for ending the marriage. His refusal to admit to this apparent extra-marital relationship really adds insult to the injury he has caused you. And no doubt serves to preserve his image within his own family, whilst also easing their ability to accept the OW as his "new" partner. What a git.

I would caution you, if I can, to not tie up your need for closure with the idea that he will ever hold his hands up and admit his wrongdoing. Fingers crossed he might someday, but there's more than a small chance he'll never ever admit to the affair.

Your situation resonates with me because it sounds remarkably like what my Mum went through when my brother and I were little and our parents marriage broke up. Even 30 years (and several relationships) later my Dad still flatly refuses to acknowledge that it was anything more than an amazing coincidence that his then OW happened to make exactly the same move at the same time (several hundreds of miles away to a new city) as he did when he left us. Although he knew her before he left, they apparently didn't start anything up until he was a free man. Excuse me whilst I roll my eyes

So as WWIFN advises, get your version of events out there with a smile on your face. His family may struggle to accept the reality of his actions, but it is possible to maintain good relations with them. My Mum still has a great relationship with her in-laws. The best revenge you can get is by finding your own way to move on, be happy and live well. Your children are lucky to have a Mum like you

hawklore thanks for the affirmation and sharing your experience.

Your poor mum. Did he stay in contact with you?

I oscillate between thinking this OW had better be the one, given the high stakes, and looking at a point in the future where he is several relationships later in a holding repeat pattern with hopefully no additional dcs.

Actually I am sure I won't care that far down. Just the dcs...