how to avoid being a scapegoat for others!

[Mummiehunnie]

I have been the scapegoat, a role which I was used to for a long time in life, I have since rewritten the script...

The thing is I have been the ex husband's scapegoat for years now, and his new wive's scapegoat.

We are thankfully divorced, but financaes he will not sort out, and makes us go through courts etc, are still ongoing. The fmh has to be sold yet!

I know I am going to take the fall in their marriage for his problems regarding finances, now and no doubt there will be financial recriminations towards me and the children yet again from the pair of them, it is a case of blame the ex wife rather than look at themselves, which is fine, but not when it affects the children... grrrr....

anyways, I know she hates us and resents the law making him pay etc, so when the judgement comes it won't be the law or her hubby she blames it will be me and the children she will blame and resent and the same for him, and we will be punished some how again!

What can I do to protect ourselves from her and him having a warped idea of life and the law and using us as scapegoats?

Short answer is, you can't do anything at all about how they will see things. Their view is warped for a reason: as you say yourself, they would rather blame someone else than look at themselves. She hates you for existing, because you complicate her life. Not a lot you can do about that except get yourselves beamed off to another planet. You might wish she didn't exist too, but she does, so being a rational person you have to work round that.

All you can do is fight your corner so that you get everything for your children that they are legally entitled to. It doesn't matter whether the ex and NW think it's fair. They won't anyway, as it doesn't fit in with what they want. They're like a couple of little kids in the playground whining "it's not fair..." because teacher won't let them swipe someone other kid's biscuit. At least that annoying little kid stands a chance of learning better as it grows up. It's too late for them, they've already grown up, in theory at least, and they still haven't learned. Pity them. (They'll hate that.)

some other kid's, I meant.

Completely agree with Annie here. You never made the law about your DCs entitlements did you! Not YOUR fault, hell they should be blaming the system if they want to blame anyone. Blamers never take responsibility for themselves. They are rather incompatible ( having said that I have been a blamer but now reformed

At the end of the day she has chosen to get involved with someone with "baggage", she wasn't forced to, she could have left, she still can! You aint stopping her are you!

I find repeating or glancing at ( I have it scrawled on my whiteboard!)

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference."

You cant change them. You can only change how you react to them. For your own peace of mind.

I hope you find a peaceful way to cope with this. If they give you shit about it I would personally go down the route of "talk to the hand" and suggest in no uncertain terms they approach their MP if they don't like the way the law is set to cater for the children that he has produced. You arent a law maker are you [hmmm]

Most of all, you need to accept that it isn't your fault. Its the law, and rest assured, if she has children with him, she may well be using it to cater for her children too once they ( inevitably) split up if he hasnt managed to transform himself from being a complete shitbag.

best of luck love 1foot xx

you cannot change what they think - and they will never think it fair.

Obviously the ex would like nothing better than to totally forget about his first family.
Unfortunately he cannot do this and the law is there to protect you from that.

Try and rise above it and know that at least you can look yourself in the mirror and feel peace.

If they still have to 'punish' you somehow it means he still cares about you in someway.

If him punishing me means he care's about me, please don't care about me anymore lol x

Got some great advice, thanks girls, I am definatly next time someone moans to me about it, tell them to take it up with their mp, love that one!

SO really other than what I am doing, there is -bugger- all I can do and it is their problems that they are punishing us for, will just have to remember a lovely biblical quote, eye of a needle lol !

Yeah thats right MH- you cant control them!

Indeed having been on the wrong end of control- why would you want to

God only knows what their relationship is like, but im sure you know he will have manipulated her into agreeing with him and uses her as a weapon.

Lets face it, from what you say, this is hardly going to be healthy on their part is it. All you can do is be true to yourself, true to your children, hold you head up that you are doing your level best for them. If they disagree, well did you really expect anything else?

Keep strong luv, from 1foot x

I don't want to control them, I wanted them to stop being who they are really, which is silly, and not going to happen, it is that legacy of holding on to hope that change will happen, and things will get better, from childhood, that I need to let go of!