Not sure how to feel about my Mum

[BusyMissIzzy]

I'm hoping for a bit of insight and advice, or at the very least maybe just typing it out will help clear my head. My parents separated when I was in my early twenties (about 8 years ago) when my Mum left my Dad for a man with whom she'd been having an affair (they split up soon afterwards though). I found out that she'd cheated on my Dad previously as well, including when he was recovering from serious illness. For the record, my Dad is lovely and I think my Mum just got bored, he wasn't abusive or anything. She has also always had low self confidence, and I think she just found the attention from other men too flattering to ignore.

The split was amicable and they are still close friends. In come ways things haven't changed much, they just aren't a couple anymore, and live separately. My Mum has always been one for "keeping up appearances" and you would never expect her to be the type to cheat on her husband. She broke my Dad's heart, and obviously upset his family, but feels persecuted when they treat her differently because of her actions. I think she sonehow feels as if these are things that have happened to her, rather than things she has done, and she feels aggrieved that they have consequences.

The latest development is that she is now having an affair with a married man. Without wanting to sound naiive, I find adutery abhorrent, and feel angry and disappointed that she seems to have no problem with cheating, either on her own partner or on someone else's IYSWIM. I suppose I'm also slightly worried about what could happen if this man's wife finds out about the affair.

I find it hard to reconcile my anger at the way she treated my Dad with the fact that she is still my Mum. Outwardly she hasn't changed. She is also a doting Granny to my baby daughter. Thinking about how she has behaved and is behaving makes me feel incredibly angry. She can also be very critical of other people's behavious, and sometimes I want to scream at her for being such a hypocrite.

This is probably hideously long and rambling, so thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I suppose my question is: what can I do to get over the way I feel about all this?

I´m not sure if you can-just put your feelings to the side if necessary.

TBH, I can´t really tolerate people who take no responsibility for their actions.

And although it is a while ago & your parents are now ok with it, the rest of your father´s family don´t have to be I suppose.

I understand why you feel this way and in fact you should celebrate the fact that you haven't become like your Mum. If I had to guess, is she also very passive-aggressive and goes into victim mode if anyone calls her on her behaviour?

Also, have you spoken to your Dad about this at all? Or any siblings?

I think in this situation, all you can do is to state your feelings about her behaviour. Perhaps tell her that having said your piece, you don't want to hear anything about the relationship with the MM.

Act as you would with a friend in this situation. I wouldn't come at this from the angle that your Mum herself could get hurt, because if I'm right about her victim focused behaviour, this will just fuel it. Instead, try to get her to see that infidelity is a personal choice and one that she should take responsibility for. She is complicit in another woman's misery and that is an absolute choice.

I often think that women like this don't actually like other women very much at all. Their self-esteem is defined entirely by men and they get all their ego boosts from male sexual attraction. Consequently, they don't much care who gets hurt in the process, whether it's their own partner, or someone else's. It's all about a competition.

It would be interesting to see where this behaviour originated from, in your Mum - and perhaps this is something you could explore with her, but I suspect you'll need a few conversations to even get her to a point where she starts taking personal responsibility for her actions.

Thanks for the replies. And excuse my typos, I just read my post again

Whenwill, that's an interesting point about the origin of her behaviour; her own mother was a bit unhappy in her marriage to my Grandfather, he was a bit of a bully. I don't know the full details but she had a friendship/relationship with another man as well. Maybe my Mum, on some level, was worried about falling into the same "trap" (i.e. being stuck in a loveless marriage).

I do talk to my Dad about it, he's very stoic and doesn't let on how hurt he is. He doesn't ask her much about her new relationships though, I think he'd rather not know the details. My sister talks to my Mum about these things more than I do; I get on with my Mum but we've never really talked about relationship stuff, mine or hers.