Can we recover from DH affair and move on?

[felinor1]

I've never posted on here before and am new to all of this, so sorry if I've done this in the wrong place!

8 Months ago my DH was sent on a business 'jolly' abroad for a long weekend with all of his colleagues. He had lost his previous job and been unemployed for a number of months during which time he had been quite down. He got this new job which seemed like the answer to all our problems, and went off on the 'jolly' for 4 days. At the time I was heavily pregnant (8 months gone).

He returned from the trip and was acting suspiciously, so I checked his phone and discovered he had been texting a girl he works with late at night. The content of the messages had been deleted. I confronted him and at first he tried to lie, but eventually admitted to having been texting her a lot since they went away. I sent her a text pretending to be from him, and the one I got back left me in no doubt that they had been, at best, 'sex texting'. I was totall devastated and confronted him again, at which point he confessed to having had a bit of a 'fumble' with her in the pool while they were away with work.

My world totally crumbled around me at this point, and I panicked and took myself, my bump and my 3 year old toddler off to my parents house.

I then started to bleed and needed to come back to my home so I could get the medical treatment I needed from my midwifery team etc. I came back and we decided to try and make things work. We went to Relate and during the first session my DH announced that he had been very unhappy in the marriage and thought we had no choice other than to seperate. My world crumbled even further. At this point I was booked in for a C-section 10 days after this session, so my head was swimming with millions of different emotions and worries. As sson as we left the session he said he didn't know why he'd said that and that he did want things to work out between us, he was just scared that he had messed up so badly we could never get over it.

We tried to give things a good go, and I went into hospital and had our beautiful baby. When I came home things were hard as they always are with a newborn and a 3 year old, let alone when trying to deal with an affair at the same time. We muddled along for a couple of weeks, with him still going off to work every day where the OW was. This was excruciatingly hard for me to handle, and I slipped deeper and deeper into a total state of misery, anger and hurt. My DH went off to work on Christmas Eve and I felt suspicious again. I went to his work to find it all locked up and no one there. I tried to contact him, but couldn't get hold of him. He came home at lunch time saying he'd been shopping alone. Evenutally I managed to get him to admit he had been with her, but he swears they were just shopping. He said he wished they'd never got intimate as they had lots in common and felt they could have been really good friends. Again, my world crumbled and I had to pick myself up and get on with Christmas celebrations so my children were unaware of the problems.

We talked a great deal at this point, and my DH seemed deeply sorry for the first time. I think what he'd done actually began to hit home, and he seemed to realise what he had to lose. I now began to believe he was really sorry and that nothing would ever happen again.

That was now 6 months ago, and since Xmas things have been ticking along following the cycle of a couple of good days, then a couple of awful ones. I couldn't cope with him still seeing her daily at work, but with me being off with our newborn we didn't seem to have any options. He hated going into work every day which helped me feel a little better.

Now our baby is 7 months old we have taken the joint decision that he will leave his job and be a full-time house husband and I will return to work full-time.

This is not something I would ever have considered under other circs, but given how hellish my life has been for the last 8 months I feel like this is my best shot t getting my family back on track and re-building a new home life which will hopefully be stronger.

I'm posting this on here in the hope that some of you will have inspirational stories of recovery that will help me as I feel I have hit a slight 'wall' and my optimism is waning.

Thanks for reading this post.

Felinor1

Felinor1, you poor woman. I'm not surprised you've had trouble getting past this.

One of the truths about affairs, or any horrible behaviour, is that we can only forgive when we know all there is to forgive.

I don't think you've had all the truth about what happened with this woman.

Now, because you have given birth during this dreadful time and have understandably had other things to preoccupy you, I understand why this might have happened. Your priority was, I imagine, just to get through the days and care for your newborn and a demanding toddler.

But you've come up for air now and you realise that you've got to tackle this, once and for all.

There is of course much more to this than he is saying, because even after discovery, he was still lying to you. There was an emotional pull towards the OW that even when he stood to lose so much, he could not resist.

On a practical level, stopping working with her is a good thing, but I don't think this is in itself going to resolve things. You will need far more truth and honesty about what happened - and his feelings towards you and the OW, before you can move on.

It is possible, but difficult, to restore a relationship after an affair and my H and I have done so, but IME it's only possible once everything is known and the betrayer himself has delved deep and been honest with himself, as much as you.

First can I say how sorry I am to hear of what you went through, especially difficult when you are pregnant/newborn baby. You seem to have coped really well, and I'm not dismissing those bad days and they can be like a physical whack on the stomach.

I would also like to tell you that when your husband says that he and the OW have a lot in common it's rubbish. They are behaving like teenagers. When you found you have a sexual spark with someone you'd have said and done anything to keep the relationship alive? That is until the spark runs out and you were left facing a person you really had nothing in common with as you lied to them from the onset. My soon to be ex has suddenly changed his long held opinions and hatred of jazz music and the Theatre/plays/Shakespeare; his girlfriend now suddenly loves Radiohead after years of hating them. The only thing they have in common is that they like each other sexually and they work in the same type of job.

I think you're right to go back to work and let him take the lion's share of the childcare. I used to work when the children were young to get a break and a rest!

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

Thanks for your responses ladies, and for the best wishes.

I feel like after months of asking questions and cross-examining I probably know as much truth as there is about what has gone on, I certainly feel like I understand what happened a lot more than I did in the earlier stages. I appreciate that reading my post it must sound like I am being stupid to believe that I could ever trust him again, but I am really trying to make it all work so we can have a chance at being a family and give our boys the best future possible with us both around.

It's all very confusing. I hope there are some more of you out there that have success stories to inspire people in my situation, as that is what I really need at the moment.

Thanks again,

Felinor1

Thanks HoochieMizzle, that is much appreciated. x

Do read that book if you can and also get your H to read it. It's helped us enormously.

It is possible to recover from this but it is hard work - it's a long and painful journey but it's possible. Keep posting because there are, sadly, many of us who know what you are going through and can offer support at each stage you will go through.