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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh seems to be going through some sort of mid life crisis. Please give me some tips for dealing with his before I lose my mind.....

18 replies

vertigo123 · 15/06/2010 07:50

Dh has had a stressful year - his job is not certain and many of his friends have lost their jobs around him, he went through a v busy period at work, he's about to turn 50 and has also started to have problems in the ahem erection department.

All these things have meant he has become very stressed and he was never one who dealt with stress very well.

I have been understanding, kind, considerate but this has been going on for years now. All he can do is think of himself. I had a minor operation yesterday (just an outpatient thing) and when I came home, he didn't even ask how I was. When I said to him later 'I think I'll sit down, I'm a bit sore', he said 'look, I've had a tough day too'.

When we go out with friends, all he does is talk about himself over and over again. I even overheard, in a pub, someone saying 'let's stand over there and get away from that loud bore' and that is exactly what he sounds like.

Before someone suggests depression, it doesn't appear to be that. He's quite happily going out with friends, he's sleeping ok, he's fairly cheery, he just seems to need an awful lot of support.

I don't want to sound cruel or unkind but I work full time too, I'm also tired and have had a tough year, we have both been through the same year, yet when I walk through the door at home, I'm expected to be fully supportive of him whereas I'm getting nothing in return.

He bought me nothing for my birthday yet last night said 'I guess I'll be getting nothing for mine' and I said 'no I'm not like that, will probably get you something' and he was really pleased.

It's just one way traffic at the moment and I've had enough but when I talk to him about this, he just says I'm being silly and of course he's supportive of me. When I point out that he isn't, it's almost as though he can't believe it iyswim.

OP posts:

ladysybil · 15/06/2010 07:54

he's behaving like a toddler. i would be tempted to send him to the naughty corner. not at all useful advice i know. but positive vibes, and i am sure there will be some wise mumsnetters along in a minute.just continue to be strong.

Original poster

vertigo123 · 15/06/2010 07:57

I don't know what it is but it's driving me insane :-( even more so as he doesn't recognise that he's doing it!

I don't really care about presents on birthdays but the reason he didn't get me one was because he was too busy. But he never bothered to rectify that when he came out of that busy period! When I pointed this out to him, he said 'god, that was really bad of me, wasn't it, I am sorry' but that was it. He didn't then bother to go and get me anything iyswim!

It's as though he's so deeply insecure that he can't see past the end of his own nose and how he is feeling.

He wasn't always like this but he has always reacted to stress like this but I'm not sure how much longer I can tolerate it!

OP posts:

Hullygully · 15/06/2010 07:59

He is an arse

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/06/2010 08:01

You said this has been going on for years - so for years he's only talked about himself, not thought to buy you presents, not asked you how you were after an operation, and when you talk about it he dismisses you and says it's fine, you're being silly?

He's telling you loud and clear that he doesn't care to put in any effort to make sure you're happy. Why don't you believe him?

BudaisintheZONE · 15/06/2010 08:02

Doesn't sound like a mid life crisis to me. Just sounds like self-centered and selfish behaviour.

Original poster

vertigo123 · 15/06/2010 08:02

because he isn't always like this. He reacts to stress like this and that's what doesn't change.

So if he goes through a stressful period at work or if he goes through a run of not being able to get it up, he will react like this.

When things are going well, he's fine iyswim just over the last couple of years, things have started to not go as well and I just fear this will carry on into the future.

OP posts:

FabIsGettingFit · 15/06/2010 08:03

You need to think about what it is that is the real problem here and talk to him seriously. Tell him what you want to change, how you will help him do it and the consequences if he doesn't.

Are you okay after your operation?

Do you ask how he is when he comes in from work?

Hullygully · 15/06/2010 08:04

Tell him his behaviour is completely unacceptable and he'd better buck up or ship out.

twopeople · 15/06/2010 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

vertigo123 · 15/06/2010 08:07

we both work full time so I'm not always home before him iyswim

you see, there is a huge difference in our personalities. I come from a family where everyone hid their emotions. The end product of that is that I can be v stressed at work and walk through the door at home and hide it all and be perfectly normal. I have learned to be a lot better about showing my emotions but I'm very much a closed person.

Dh is the polar opposite. He works in a creative industry where they are all luvvies, he wears his heart on his sleeve. When he is unhappy, he will moan for England and he always displays exactly how he is feeling - I've often wondered if he has some sort of problem judging social situations because in many ways, he is like a child sometimes. For example, he won't hide how he is feeling even if it is inappropriate (can't quite think of an example) but the end product of his personality is that when he is stressed, we all have to know about it and in many ways all suffer.

I asked him to go to conselling but he just thinks both of us are different not that one of us is right or wrong iyswim

OP posts:

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 15/06/2010 08:15

But it's not just how he reacts to stress, is it?

I react to stress by being a bit grumpy too. But I apologise about it, and I make an effort to listen to my husband's needs as well.

What's concerning here really is this:

"I've had enough but when I talk to him about this, he just says I'm being silly and of course he's supportive of me. When I point out that he isn't, it's almost as though he can't believe it iyswim. "

LadyLapsang · 15/06/2010 10:16

Poor you, sounds a familiar story. Think a lot of guys his age talk the talk but don't walk the walk regarding equality. Happy for you to work but then on some level expect you to behave like their mother when they get home from work e.g. the little woman who is there to hear all about the challenges of their day and do the housework.

I think you are likely to have an uphill battle for him to change because you can't make him. A lot of his identity is probably tied up in work and the thought of losing his position in the world if he becomes unemployed is probably a big worry. I think at 50 there is also the issue that you are at or near the peak of your professional career and he may be questioning whether it was worth it.

You could try agreeing that when you ask him about his day he has 15 minutes to talk and then listens to your for an equal amount of time but I imagine he will dismiss this idea saying your issues are not so important as his. Think in the end you both probably need couples counselling and he needs a wake up call.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/06/2010 10:19

Vertigo, has he been faithful to you in the past? This unfeeling behaviour towards you does absolutely smack of someone who is appallingly selfish, but it also resonates with behaviour during an affair. Is that a possibility?

ReneRusso · 15/06/2010 10:27

Having a stressful year is not an excuse for being so uncaring. Not getting you a birthday present and not asking how you are after an operation are both totally out of order. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour, he can't just blame it all on stress or by saying you are "being silly". By all means carry on supporting him, but don't let him get away with not supporting you.

1footinfront · 15/06/2010 11:59

"I asked him to go to conselling but he just thinks both of us are different not that one of us is right or wrong iyswim"

Counselling isnt about being right or wrong, ( if only it were that simple!) its about understanding yourself and finding new ways to cope with life's stressors and triggers.....

IsGraceAvailable · 15/06/2010 12:02

It sounds as though only one adult is allowed to be vulnerable in your relationship, Vertigo. Before digging into that, though, I wonder how good you are at asking for what you want? You say you've always been quite restrained, whereas he's very expressive. I'm more like him (though hopefully not as inconsiderate!) and wonder why the hell people don't just say stuff!

There are immense advantages to asking for a hug, asking for a birthday present, and saying things like "Tell me something nice about your day, I need cheering up!"

The grumpiness and boringness you mentioned point to man who feels insufficiently important, poor thing! It could be rooted in an emotional/communication imbalance, which is quite easily fixed. Here's hoping!

Mumfun · 15/06/2010 12:02

Yes to me not a midlife crisis but utter selfishness.

IsGraceAvailable · 15/06/2010 12:09

I was thinking about how you said he's okay when work's going well, but sinks into Victor Meldrew mode when it's not. Perhaps he relies on his lovely working environment for his "strokes", iyswim. Highly socialised people suffer from a form of sensory deprivation if they can't get enough interchange. This really could be all about communication ...

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