dh hasnt been to work for 2 weeks and could very likely have lost his job

[bealzebub]

he has been in a permanently drunken,stupor

oh theres history here then...are his employers aware of his problem!

hope you are ok.

shame on him.

well he has admitted to be an alcy, at least, but whether that makes any difference i dont know.
i dont know about his emplyers.. he took one week off in january and then another week off around easter but this 2 week thing, and STILL not back, it is the absolute pits.

he was going to leave (home) but threatened to take his own life. i dont want him to leave, but i dont want him here while he drinks.

Your can't help him. Really you cannot help him.

Do you have dc, if you do you need to get him OUT. Your dc cannot see this.

My ex was/is an alcoholic and it took me 8 years to get rid of him. I loved him so much and blamed myself for his drink problem. He blamed me too. He moved out and still drinks and still goes on benders. How well I remember that fear and loneliness when he would disappear on the lash for days on end. When he came back he often did not know what day it was because he had been pissed solid for 5 days or something.

I am still scared if he loses his job I will lose child support for the dc and it would be horrific but at least I don't have to watch him on a day to day basis fucking all of our lives up.

Sorry for you but only he can help himself.

i can't bare it.
i can't bear that he might take his own life.

i dont know how to stay strong.

speak to gp.....they can advise you

Is he getting any outside help?
GP? AA? Mental health Team?

If you are seriously worried he may take his life, can you talk to your GP?

I agree there is little you can do to help him, unless he is willing to help himself..but if he will accept help from othe agencies?

Also, AA run groups and advice for families of alcoholics - call your local AA.

Do you work Bealzbub? What is your financial situation if he does lose his job?

I think you should concentrate on the practicalities of keeping the home and dc going. You can't save your dh. He has chosen drink over every priority in his life / including you and his dc.

You are not responsible for him. Nothing you do or say will stop him from drinking if that's what he chooses to do.

Have you been to al-anon?

He won't do that. He just won't. It cannot be your responsibility.

Do you have dc? You need to be a stable parent for them as he is clearly a screw up. You will stay strong because you have to be strong to be dealing with what you are dealing with now.

I know how hard it is, I really, really do.

Is there some family member who can come and have a chat with him and make him take him off for a bit? You don't need to be dealing with this on your own.

I told my ex's parents everything and basically forced them to be involved. He was their son after all and I had dc of my own to take care of.

Al-anon is support groups for families of alcoholics btw.

no, i haven't been to al anon, i nealry rang the gp tonight, may well be in touch soon but i work eveyr day and am not at home alone to ring.
our financial situation is not good - one of his excuses for drinking

i have nearly rung his brother, or emailed.
may well do that. one brother has his head in the sand anyway, the other is more sensible.

thanks for responding.

I have a DH with mental health issues and he has often threatened to take his own life - once when I was talking to the emergency services (mental health crisis team), they told me that the majority of people who threaten to do it, don't. I don't know how true this is, but have come to realise that with my DH, it's just his way of manipulating me. He tried it a year or two ago, a few times in a row and instead of going "oh no, don't do that, blah blah blah" I responded with "it's your choice if that's what you want to do, but don't blame me for it". Guess what - he didn't and he hasn't threatened it again since!

I stress the 'majority' part because I'm sure there's no hard and fast rules on this. You know him better than anybody else, I've never met you or him - this is just my experience with my DH. It would be irresponsible to take this as direct advice, just possibly useful to know that you're not alone in this.

thanks purple
it is crap

DO it. Ring his brother, tell him you cannot cope with this on your own, you need help. My ex's parents blamed me but at least took up some of the load.

thanks shimmer, and all ...

I massively recommend going to your nearest al-anon meeting Bealzebub. I have found them incredibly helpful. My dh and I are still together. He still drinks. But I am much stronger and less emotionally involved in his drinking than I used to be.

(I'm not suggesting that you and your dh should stay together - that's something only you can decide. I am merely suggesting that you try al-anon.)

You poor girl. Remember this is NOT YOUR FAULT and there is NOTHING you can do to make him stop drinking or take responsibility for himself unless and until he chooses to do so.
There are lots of MNers with experience of living with alcoholics who I'm sure wil be along to give you more advice and supprt, but the bottom line is going to be that he either goes into rehab and stops drinking, or you get him out of the house. Your priority now has got to be you ad your DC, not this man.

He doesn't want to stop drinking. You don't want to live with someone who is willing to piss his job down the toilet in favour of getting shit-faced for a fortnight. The answer is obvious, is it not?

You did not cause his alcoholism.
You cannot control his alcoholism.
You cannot cure his alcoholism.

What he chooses to do the moment you tell him to get his drunken arse out of the house is his business. He's a grown-up. You are not responsible for his actions. An awful lot of alcoholics make suicide threats as a means to guilt-trip people into letting them stay somewhere warm and comfy while they get pissed. Relatively few alcoholics actually commit suicide by any means other than booze.

That being said, if you have serious cause for concern that he might do something dumb then get the professionals involved by calling an ambulance. My alcoholic ex used to frequently make threats and/or claims of taking overdoses. The last time it happened I called an ambulance for my ex. I've never had the same threat made to me since.

Life with an actively drinking alcoholic is crap and it will get worse. Alcoholism is progressive until or unless the alcoholic decides to do something to change their lives. I'd strongly recommend you read this to give you another way to look at these problems.

He won't take his own life. He values/needs alcohol too much. That is no comfort at all to you I suppose but you really do need to let him go and sort himself out.

Only he can do this, no matter how much or how little support he has.