New man meeting DD & the ex

[TotallyHappy]

Hi all, not sure if this is the right board to post on but I'm sure you will let me know... I have an 18month old and a new boyfriend, we've only been dating for a couple of months but I know this is going somewhere and would like us to spend some time together as the three of us.

My ex boyfriend is trying to control me and has previously insisted that we know new partners for 6 months before introducing them to our daughter. I don't think this is practical but understand his concerns, so I'd like to introduce new man to the ex.

Has anyone else been in this situation? And how did you do it?

(I have little concern over the introduction to my daughter as I know they will both be fine)

Do it, Im sure youre big enough to know whats best for your dd. If he has genuine concerns he needs to tell you what they are.

I dont agree with kids meeting new partners straight away. But yours is so little its not like shes going to understand who he is anyway.

My ex, until recently, used to have all sorts of diiferent women round in front of my daughter and I found it highly irreasonsible but that is not what you are proposing.Tell him you respect his concerns blah blah blah but you will be ignoring his request thank you very much.

he's trying to control you. Chances are he wont keep this 6 mth rule when he meets someone!

No he won't keep to the 6 month rule because you did not stick to it - I am assuming when you had that conversation with him you led him to believe you agreed with him?

I think the time scale is fine but I do think you need to bear in mind that however you handle this situation will set the scene for how your ex may handle his new partner with your DD whether you agree with him or not.

Just a thought.

No I didn't agree! I said I would expect both of us to be sensible around introducing our daughter to new partners (the same as new friends) and that I had no intention of introducing her to various partners and that I would inform him if I intended my new partner to stay overnight whilst my daughter was with me and I would expect the same from him, I would also expect to be consulted when it came to moving in with someone. I understand whatever I do now sets a precedent for him when the situation is reversed.

So on that basis I would expect to meet the new partner if they were to spend extended amounts of time together with my daughter and to know where she is when in his care.

So would you introduce your new partner to your ex, before your child and if so how would you organise it?

In a word - no.

Your private life is nothing to do with your ex and his is nothing to do with you. I am sure I may be contradicted but I don't know many people who would introduce new partners to ex partners before introducing them to children.

I have never met my husband's ex-wife formally - only ever seen her at drop offs and pick ups. Vice versa also - DH has never met anyone she has been involved with.

As for being "consulted" when moving in with someone - how would that work? Would you expect him to ask permission from you first as to whether you think his new partner is suitable or are you referring to another aspect of it that requires your opinion?

Each parent has to trust that the other makes good decisions for their children including getting involved with new partners.

My husband was not introduced to my ex before my children and has never been since - not only that but my husband is a far better father/person than my ex was.

I can understand your fears about having people in your child's life that may not be suitable or permanent but that risk is always there with parents are split up and making new lives for themselves. You can only co-parent so far without it starting to become suffocating or controlling.

I agree fruity. What is it with ex's thinking they have a right to know what is going on in your life?

I have two children and split with my partner early last year. He has since told me many a time that I have to tell him if I start seeing someone because he told me when he was and he has a right to know.

it is my life and it is nothing to do with him. I didn't ask for the details of his private life.
As for meeting them. No way. I have been with my boyfriend for four months and the time is nearing when I will want to introduce him to my children. He will not be meeting my ex.

I also do not think that you HAVE to introduce your new partner to your ex-partner. My current partner was my best friend for seven years (although a long distance friendship for the majority of those seven years so ex-partner never met him) and I trusted him more than anybody else in my life.

My ex is immature (still lives with his mom), aggressive and ridiculously awkward in what are completely normal social situations. My current partner is intelligent, easy going and loves socialising so it would have just been a disaster. Add to the mix the fact that my ex-partner has always been very, very jealous of my current partner (back when we were friends), told me that he hated him and tried to tell me that I could no longer be friends with him.

However, I did gently let him know that we'd gotten together and tried my best to assure him that this wouldn't change anything between him and our son. Even that backfired because he couldn't handle someone else being around HIS son (saw him as his property for quite some time) and started shouting at me that of course nothing would change cos he was HIS SON and I was an idiot to think that I could do anything about it. Hmm...

He has since tried to force us to go out for a meal together, which would probably have been the most awkward thing I've ever done. Obviously, I refused, and he had a go at me, telling me that he had a right to know who was around his son. We'd been together for almost a year by this point and my ex-partner had been unable to make eye contact with my current partner and ignored him every time he'd said 'hello'. He'd had ample opportunity to talk to him and simply hadn't bothered, but was ridiculous enough to suggest that we all go out together. All this during a time when he was refusing to face up to his responsibilities and basically said 'tough' when I told him that he needed to start paying something towards our son.

Seem to have gone into a bit of a rant there. Sorry! What I'm really trying to say is that you do not have to set up a meeting but it might be a good idea to just let him know what's going on. But if he's immature then don't expect him to handle it very well. My ex-partner still rolls his eyes and cannot hide his irritation when our son mentions my current partner. I wish he'd grow up but honestly, he's just not that bright and probably won't ever change.

Also, with regards to meeting your daughter, I really don't think it makes that much of a difference at this age. My son met my current partner at the same age as your daughter and it was within weeks of us getting together. I had finally moved into my own place and was now able to have people around but since he lived quite far away, the only way I could see him was to allow him to stay over. The same thing would have happened if we hadn't gotten together since he was a very good friend and I was finally free to spend time with him.

It made absolutely no difference to my 18 month old son as it was just like meeting anybody else. It wasn't as though I demanded a lie-in and sent them downstairs alone together or we started having sex in front of him. I'm actually really glad that I introduced him during that baby stage because now it's completely normal to him. He has no memory of me and his dad ever being together so there are no problems with my current partner.

I probably would have been more reluctant to introduce them if I didn't think we were going to have a serious relationship but I still don't think it matters too much at this age since they don't know the difference between a friend and a new partner.

No I dont think you should introduce your new man to your partner before they meet your child. If you are irresponsible and a bad judge of character maybe your ex has a right to ask for this but assuming you are a normal level headed mother with your childs best interests at heart who is your ex to think he needs to be any part of this..? It gives mixed messages in my opinion about the control he has over you and your life.

I take it he doesnt insist on meeting your new friends before his child does..? or that you consult him about using a new brand of fish finger for child dinner? Does he come round to check the bath water is the right temperature before child gets in...?! Thought not. His sudden concern is as unfounded as it would be with any of those things..

Oh, unless you are indeed unhinged OP?

Not unhinged Just wanting to do the "right thing" for DD.

Thanks everyone - thats helped. Especially as ex turned up unnannounced again last night insisting we talk, even after I've made it perfectly clear I have nothing else to say to him without someone else as a witness.

Sounds like you are capableof doing the right thing without his approaval.