Marriage -when do you know it's really over?

[livvyliv]

Hi
Thanks for reading my message.
I feel at a real crossroads in my life and feel I know which path I should be taking but don't know if I can do it.
My background is married for ten years(but have known each other for 20years).We have 2 dc's(age 7 and 5).
I feel soooo unhappy at the moment and really feel that I can't continue with the marriage.I really don't think I have any feelings left for dh but want to keep trying.
There isn't actually anything that has triggered this I really do think I have just fallen out of love with him.I look at him sometimes and really don't like him.
I think because this is not a good enough reason I should try and make it work.

Obviously having children involved and about to move into a new house makes it even harder.

What I'm trying to work out are these feelings normal from time to time.When friends joke about their dh's and how much they irritate them- do they really mean it or are they just talking the talk?
How do people really feel towards one another in a long term relationship?What is normal?

I am seeing a counsellor who feels I have lost my way(or something along the way over the last few years)

There have been a couple of times over the last few months when my dh has asked me how I feel and that he doesn't feel special to me any more.I have tried talking but haven't been completely honest as I know he would finish it there and then.

Do you think you can get those 'feelings' back?

Any advice would be appreciated or if you have been in a similar situation.

Thanks

All marriages have highs and lows but you have both been going through the low for a while now. When your husband says that he doesn't feel "special" anymore,does he say what you mean to him,does he says I love you for instance? Marriage is hard,you have to work at it but sometimes you feel thats it, I've tried, he's tried its not working- just like friendships they end, know ones fault.How would you feel if he wasn't there, what would you miss about him.

Ive been married for 30 years, 7 children with same partner (inc twins at 41) 25 house moves, stints overseas, - usual bad stuff, mother died when 10, brother killed at 24, alcoholic father, miscarriage at 20 weeks, ectopic pregnancy, husband posted to Nigeria just after finishing treatment for breast cancer etc - all I can say is just keep buggering on a day at a time if its nothing you can put your finger on apart from dislike for no reason as those feelings definitely come and go and there is something very pure and solid about keeping it all going whatever life throws at you which gets better and better.

Mintcracknel - he does say he loves me and I really think he does but he's getting annoyed with me now that I don't seem happy and I have such a lovely live etc.
I feel really sad as he has been part of my life for 20 years.I just feel I can't give what he wants to the relationship

Everything -I'm seeing a counsellor but I don't think dh would.I'm finding it helpful but not sure what relate would offer differently.

I

Nothing is 'normal' - you can bet your boots that every other couple you know has a more complex and difficult relationship than you think, some horribly so.

OP, I think I could have written your post. I have been having similar thoughts recently, although we've not been together so long and my feelings are not quite so negative as yours are. We too are moving house, and I think that change has triggered it for me. I cannot give you any advice, but I do send my sympathy.

Nice one, terracotta. I like your attitude.

First of all, I assume you're discussing this stuff with your counsellor?

The thing is, it sounds like you are unhappy. Is your marriage what is making you unhappy, or is it you? It's important to try to work that out.

Good one Terracotta.

livvyliv

I am a in a similiar position - over the last few months, I have felt that I am not 'in love' with dh, even though I do love him as a person.

I have changed quite a bit over the last couple of years due to a change in profession and a few other things, and I feel a very different sort of person, to when I first met dh (over 16 years ago) when I was 18. I am not even sure I would say I am unhappily married, but certainly the spark has gone and our interests seem to move further and further apart. My dh also says that he doesn't feel I 'need' him or want to be with him like I used to and,to be honest, I do prefer my own company sometimes. However, dh hasn't done anything 'wrong' - in fact, I feel so guilty because he's a very loving, caring man.

I'll watch this thread with interest

OP, me too. Our stories are scarily similar (from what I've heard so far) except we haven't actually moved house yet because I'm delaying because it would tie up our finances too much, and at the moment I don't know that I want to be with dh, so moving house would be daft.

My dh irritates me enormously, and I love it when he goes away for work and I get the house (and children) to myself. When I recently went back to work one of my first thoughts was that I would now be financially self reliant again after many years of dependency and we could split up without too much difficulty.

I deliberately go to bed later than dh so I won't have to have sex with him.

The problem is, is that once you start thinking like that, you start cutting yourself off emotionally and that becomes an ever downwards spiral. Sometimes I think it takes a positive attitude to change things and little changes will soon add up to big changes. So this evening, we decided to book our summer holiday and instead of me detatching myself from it I tried to get really involved in the planning and decision making. I guess what I'm saying is that relationships need to be worked at, they need tending and care to continue growing, and if both of you are not prepared to put the effort in then the relationship will fail.

Only you can decide whether there is a sufficient base to restart your relationship and whether it will be worth the effort.

I would suggest talking to your dh, really discussing it, but if you're anything like me, that doesn't come easily, and if your dh is like mine, he's not very emotionally literate. All my dh knows how to do is to find practical solutions "what would you like me to do?" "Give me some examples of..xyz" etc. And I find that doesn't help.

We've been married 12 years, together for 18. It's a long time and I feel at a crossroads too. Is there anything there to regain, or not?

I hope someone with words of wisdom will post.

I wonder how many of us can say we are 'not in love' by still love our partners? I wonder if that includes me too.

Love is tough and this relationship isnt about talking about our love its more about our self employed business and getting through life.

I get very fustrated, I must hate him a few times a week and at times I would leave if I had somewhere to go.

I am pretty negative as a person, feel sorry for myself, low self esteen while my husband is the opposite. He always thinks aur relationship is great.

So what I am saying is instead of feeling low pick up the pieces and find what you really enjoy in life and go and get it. Your relationship is fine, you need to boost yourself and I am sure you'll feel a lot more postive about yr marriage.

pimslemonadeiceandaslice, you are absolutely right, you do start cutting yourself off emotionally, I think, without even realising. The added problem with me, is that I do know someone who I get on with extremely well. I do not believe for one moment, this is the main reason that dh are drifting; even if I were single, I absolutely would not want to be with this other person - its just that my rapport with this other person has highlighted the gulf between me and dh iyswim.

Obviously,there was time when dh and I got on in the same way and I absolutely realise that and almost kick myself for feeling so distant - I really do want to feel like I used to. But then, the old feelings and doubts that maybe I've just changed too much creep in - can an 18 year old girl be the same as a woman in her 30s? - so how can we get it back? By the same token - the person who I have the rapport with now, I most certainly wouldn't have had when I was 18 and may not have in another 5 years time. So I'm under no illusion that someone else would make me any happier in the long time. Actually, strangely, I'm happier in my professional and social life than I've ever been, yet not in my marriage.

A lot of these posts seem to be from people in 18 year plus relationships.

I've been there and I find when I feel happier about myself then we are fine together.

But, I dont feel the same as when we were 18 how could you?

I go through phases when I cant bear to be anywhere near him and its usually at that time of the month. And he irritates the crap out of me at times but I suppose I must do with him. What keeps me going is the fact that I remember how I felt about him when I was 18 and that is still there (maybe buried beneath kids/housework/daily grind) iykwim.

I suppose I am agreeing with what others have said on here that its is about working at it and reconnecting.

Maybe try having a break away just the two of you.

Thanks for all the advice that has been offered.
I have been feeling low recently due to moving to a new place and having to start all over again.I was more than happy for him to live away from home 3 nights a week but he didnt want that.
I got used to him been away and now feel a bit suffocated.Hopefully that will change when I start to make new friends and get a job.

I still feel 'is this it' though.Everyone who has replied who is in a long term relationship I think feels the same at times.

Dinosaurus -It's hard because they haven't really done anything wrong so i feel you cant end it when there is no real reason.

It scares me that this is it for the next 20 plus years.I look at my inlaws who have just had their 50th anniversary and think I don't want to be like that.they obviously annoy the crap out of each other and are companions rather than anything else.

I think if you're happy in yourself it helps but not sure what the long term answers are for a happy,fun and loving marriage.

Keep any help,advice coming.It's really appreciated.

thanks

You know it's over when you realise that if you found out your dh was having an affair, you wouldn't give a damn.

If mine was having an affair with a man or woman, I'd be happy for him....how sad is that?

This could be me too . We have just had our 16th wedding anniversary and tbh I really couldn't care less. I could quite easily leave and not feel any remorse - I'm even wondering what it would be like to have an affair . How bad is that? I feel trapped though because I can't afford to be on my own, I don't earn enough at the moment and there's also the children to consider.

My bil had an affair and my dsis threw him out. She admitted to me that in many ways she was glad he had the affair because it gave her a concrete reason to ask him to leave. In many ways I was jealous. I would love things to be that cut and dried.

I fantasise about living without dh - I have the finances and practicalities planned down to the last detail. Thing is, they remain fantasies for the present, but if the plans to move house develop further then it throws my escape route out of the window.

pimslemondadeiceand a slice, I hope you don't mind me asking, but what would you say is the main reason for feeling like this? Has anything in particular happened, or, is it just something that for some reason, you gradually started to feel?

pimmslemonadeiceandaslice - I think that you should really consider halting the house move. I moved two years ago, first time that I moved with DCs and it has been the hardest thing to date. I think that it would be unfair on you and him if you moved now before sorting out the relationship? Especially if you are tying up more capital?