May have to take custody of my little sister.

[angryhorriblelady]

I am 22yo and have two dc one is 4yo and the other is 10mo My mum may be committed again. I need you ladies to help me deal with my feeling so I can do what is needed. I am angry with my mum, when ever something bad happens that is my mum's fault she goes to pieces. This time I have been telling my mum for months to stop my sister playing with one girl. The reason I have said this is because the little girl frequently goes missing for hours on end and her mum does not seem to care. My mum ignored me and my sister went missing for over a hour the other day. When she was found she was playing the other side of a motorway having crossed the motorway. My mum will not accept blame and may be committed.

On another occasion I told my mum not to let my sister play with the same little girl because I was sure something was wrong. My little sister nearly ended up being raped. My mum did not go to pieces over this because she could console herself that nothing happened and she stopped the other little girl from being abused any more.

My mum was committed when I was little after something she did that nearly caused my death when I was 8yo. I was left alone and scared and ever since have had to look after her. I am sick to death of it and I am sick of family saying for me to accept her not to push her because she is ill, of this being used as a excuse for why no one can tell her to fucking grow up. This has been coming on for weeks and at the moment I am in a difficult place my mum said some really horrible things to me the other day and I went home cried my eyes out and almost started self-harming again which I have not done since I was 15. But because it is part of her nervous breakdown symptoms I am supposed to just forget it.

I am angry at her for always expecting me to pick up the pieces and I feel so guilty for being so angry and horrible about it. I am angry that she is doing this to my sister, I am 22 yo and I have enough to worry about why has no one ever cared about how hard what my mum is like is for me I was a child. I am sick of my mum saying it is different for me because god made me strong, no my mum forced me to be strong because one of us had to be.
Can you ladies give me a kick up the bum and tell me to get a grip and stop being so horrible. Also can you give me advice on how to make this as easy for my little sister who is 9yo as possible.

Are social services involved?

I had my brother come live with me when he was 9 and tbh it was the hardest thing I could have imagined. My Ds was 5. I ended up having to send him back to my Mum. I wish I could have stuck with it. He is in an awful place now. SS weren't involved with him at that point.

I too am always angry with my mum for many of the same reasons you express with yours. She takes no responsibility for her actions and blames me and my brothers for her misery.

If Social services are involved and would be happy for you to look after your sister, I would say give it your best shot. Your sister will need you. But remember she is at a different level to your children and so has problems or issues you might not have come across yet.

It is ok to be angry with your mum. I keep my distance from mine as much as I can. But every time I see her the same anger comes to the surface within a day of her visit.

Good luck. Sorry I can't be more constructive.

Poor you. You are not a horrible person for being frustrated and angry at this dreadful situation. Anybody would be, and you're not being fair to yourself.

It must be so hard to cope with your mum and her behaviour, especially when it can always be explained away by her mental health issues and she never has to take any responsibility for what she does.

What it comes down to you now is whether you want / are able to take your sister in. If you think you can, then wouldn't that be good for her (obviously) and for you - you can give her the love, stability and protection she desperately needs, and in so doing you may be able to start leaving your past behind you.

Are Social Services involved with your sister's case?

No ss not involved because my mum was much better and as she alerted authorities as soon as she noticed the abuse and this is the only other incident in my sisters life(she has a much better childhood than me as my mum was very ill when I was a child and I thought she had grown up and got passed this). It is me and my family who are discussing getting her committed. In which case I will be asked to have care of my little sister I will be able to handle my sister I think because she has always come to me with her problems so I am hoping I can do this.

Thanks mumwhatnothing it helps to hear that it is okay to be angry and that there are others in this boat and I am not alone.

ttallow I will definitely take my sister in if the course goes that way. She is a difficult child but seems much better behaved when she is with me. I just don't know how to deal with her right now my mum has always been slack on rules which is harmful for her so do I go easy for a while or make her follow the rules of my house.

I don't have experience of older children (mine are 3 and 20mos) but I do know that routine and discipline, as well as love, are what all children need if they are to feel secure.

I would make your sister follow the rules of your house. If she knows that there are consequences to her misbehaviour (no pocket money, TV, being grounded) and that there are benefits to behaving well and following your family's rules then she will gradually start to be less difficult, I am sure. She needs to know that there is one person who loves her and cares enough about her to keep her safe and put her well-being first, and part of that is knowing that there are rules to be obeyed.

I hope that you don't bring your sister into your family unsupported. If she is difficult, and given everything she's been through, you will need support from other members of your family, if not social services.

And please change your name - you aren't horrible!

Twirl da da. I name changed for this to make sure I was not recognized in rl and for my sisters privacy.

My grandmother is taking my mum to be evaluated this afternoon, so my grandmother will support me with my little sister. Her father recently got in touch and has her at weekends but lives a long way. So hopefully he will continue to do this. My mum has asked me to have my sister and it makes sense as I live near and our children attend the same school. I have also looked after my sister more than anyone else so I am hoping my age will not be a problem. My sister has always talked to me about her problems and is closer to me than anybody so I hope they don't stop me having her.

I personally if my own dc were to have any hardship stick to the rules, stability and routine they are accustomed to being a firm believer that if you change things after a event the children don't recover as easily. So I think I will try to keep things consistent with my little sister. If my mother is sectioned I will take my sister for counseling I think as otherwise she is gonna blame herself. I also think I am the best person to care for her having been through what she is going through and come out the other side having made a very successful and good life for myself and I think I will understand better.

Pleased to make your acquaintance, angrylady!

Your little sister is very lucky to have you, and I am sure that once she settles in with you and your family she will be a much happier, less difficult child.

Counselling is a good idea too. I don't wish to pry, but have you considered it too? Given the childhood you had, and the understandable anger you still feel towards a mother whose needs always transcend your own, no matter how unreasonable or dreadful she is being, perhaps it would help you not to blame and punish yourself when her behaviour pushes all your buttons and makes you feel angry or worse. You've done remarkably well to turn out as you have, all things considered, but it's clear that you are still fragile if you can be driven to the brink of self-harming by your mother's behaviour, and you need to protect yourself for the sake of your DCs as well as your sister. And for your own sake too.

I hope all goes well with your mother's appointment this afternoon, btw.

I have had counseling I had a psychiatrist and a psychologist for two tears when I was 15, I was having a bit of a difficult time with dp (over MIL) and my best friend recently started to pull away from me because he has found a new girlfriend. I just felt so alone and like I had no outlet and all my old feelings came straight back up which quite shocked me if I am honest I thought I had dealt with them.

DP has been great he has been really supportive since he realized what was happening but I will seek counseling again these events have shown me I still have a few issues I just want to get my little sister settled in first. It was only a split second but it made me panic to realize that so little can take me back years even if only for a second.

Thanks for your support you have helped a lot I know for me it is dangerous when I feel alone, and speaking on here has helped me a great deal today so thanks again.

I'm glad I could help. The worst thing you can do is think that you are all alone in going through this, or to blame yourself for having completely understandable feelings and thoughts during a terribly stressful time.

Going back to what we've said about the importance of routine - even as adults we need routine and stability to support us when things start to fall apart, and if your best friend has pulled away from you just as your mum's mental condition has deteriorated, it's not surprising that you've wobbled a bit.

But you are clearly aware of your problems and know what you need to do to deal with them, which means that you are half-way to getting your equilibrium back. And means that you are a strong as well as angry lady.

Hugs.