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Relationships

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Original poster

Separating - how much contact should he have with kids?

20 replies

Lamazed · 13/06/2010 19:16

My husband and I have separated. DS is 2.5 and DD is 8 months.

He wants to have them every other weekend, some evenings plus 1 other day a week.

I can't cope with the though of kids being away from Friday evening until Sunday evening - they're so young (especially DD) and he wants to take them 200 miles away to his parents - surely I don't have to agree to this - I don't want to be spiteful but they are so young.

Anyone have any experience? What's the right answer?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 13/06/2010 19:20

well he's their dad....equal to you. what makes you think he wants to be away from them either??

anyway....its not about what you want,or him,its about what is best for the children. which is a good relationship with both their parents. as per the childrens act,this is their rights! its your job to ensure their rights are met....you,and your ex,have no rights,only responsibilities.

i think courts are right to promote little and often with young kids,and what your ex proposes is reasonable. sounds like he's had some legal advice

3andahalfmonkeys · 13/06/2010 19:26

please please think of the children. I know they are young but their they deserve to see their dad as mich as their mum.

Original poster

Lamazed · 13/06/2010 19:26

An 8 month old being away from their mum for two consecutive nights is reasonable? Would a court enforce this?

OP posts:

Original poster

Lamazed · 13/06/2010 19:28

I am happy for him to see them as often as he wants to and have no interest in trying to stop this. I still co-sleep. It's just the overnight bit that I can't cope with - not whilst she is so little.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 13/06/2010 19:31

well he's had her up to now overnight hasnt he? he will cope fine.

seeyoukay · 13/06/2010 19:35

He knows these children as good as you so its not unreasonable.

I agree a 8month old probably shouldn't be away from a parent overnight but they won't be, they'll be with their dad.

Unless he's abusive or an alcoholic I doubt you'll get a court to enforce less time with him.

MumInBeds · 13/06/2010 19:38

How does he think he will cope not seeing his dd overnight? He's just as much a parent as you are.

Courts can agree to all you have suggested he wants, they don't seem to be unreasonable demands.

GypsyMoth · 13/06/2010 19:39

they seem fine. having just spent 2 years in the court system ,i found child residency forums at www.wikivorce.com very useful

Original poster

Lamazed · 13/06/2010 19:47

Thanks for your help - just going off to have a cry - devastated by his leaving already, not sure how I'm going to cope without my babies for 48 hours.

Thanks for your advice though and will take a look at the link.

OP posts:

taokiddy · 13/06/2010 19:58

I'm recently seperated too. Their dad has the kids every other weekend and one night during the week, then weeks that aren't his weekend he has them two nights during the week. It works well for us although I have to be very flexible about which nights to fit in with his work/ social schedule. And tbh I find its nice to have a break from the kids sometimes, and because I work every day just to have time to catch up with washing and housework is good.

It does sound a bit much to me, but I don't know about how close your ex is to his kids/ how much he was involved with them before. Our arrangement seems to suit my ex as he has plenty of 'me' time... The travelling sounds a lot too for such young children. But you might find after a few weeks he may want to cut down.....

Hope it all works out ok.

Matsikula · 13/06/2010 20:03

Sorry to hear about your separation. I don't know your situation, but can you suggest that you build his time with the kids gradually to make the transition easier?

Assuming he's a good dad, it's great that he wants to see them so frequently. What sounds a bit trickier is the weekend trips. 200 miles every other weekend is quite a long journey, especially for an 8 month old. If you are on talking terms, it would be worth discussing how he manages the journey itself (by car? will they be asleep?). It might all be harder than he thinks. Perhaps the first couple of times, he could just take the older one, and maybe sometimes just the younger one. The older child might also find it reassuring to get some quality time with just you when things are changing so much.

GypsyMoth · 13/06/2010 20:13

But if the op wanted to take the kids places on her weekend it wouldn't be questioned, be it 200 or 20 miles. You can't restrict a parent..... They are both equals, both with pr.

FabIsGettingFit · 13/06/2010 20:15

As much as possible in answer to your thread title. It will be hard but when you have them he is away from them too.

Hulababy · 13/06/2010 20:17

Must be hard for you to have to consider not being with them overnight - but presumably he will be felling similar - and will already have less contact than you will be hvaing.

Although it seems hard he is just as much a parent as you are. And fo th sake of the children - they need to be seeing him as much as possible too; he's their daddy.

But I do feel for you. I can't imagine how hard it is to have to make these decisions.

performancegirl · 13/06/2010 20:21

me & h have been separated for 18 months, DS 2 was 11 months when we split up. I don't know whether its practical for you but me & H live very close to each other. As weekends one of us has them on a Friday night through till 1pm on Saturday, the other parent then has them from 1pm till 1 pm on Sunday. They usually spend Sunday nights with me. This works well most of the time as it means we both get to see the boys every day at the weekend but still get time to ourselves as well. we started this routine when we first separated as DS2 was so young so maybe you could consider something similar?

Original poster

Lamazed · 13/06/2010 20:26

peformancegirl - this sounds like a really good set up and yes he will still be close and this would mean we both get the time.

I think he's going to insist on the entire weekend though and this is the thing I can't cope with - it will mean 48 hours without my babies while they are so small plus a bonkers 3.5 hour journey twice during this time. They hate the journey - we have had to do it every 2 months in the past and every time, the kids both end up screaming in the back for the last 30-40 minutes, no matter how many stops we make which then make the journey even longer...

I am so sad that they are going to have to endure because we couldn't make out marriage work.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 13/06/2010 20:42

Why do you see him wanting his kids for the weekend as "him insisting"? Why should he not want to see his kids as much as you do and be feeling devastated at having 5 nights+ without them. You only have 2 nights max without them at the moment? Yes separation is hard on all concerned but if he is any good as a dad he will miss them and want to be with them as much as you do.
I'd have been more worried when I separated if my kids' dad didn't want to see them. We now divide up school holidays so one of us may go 2-3 weeks without the kids. The kids are happy though. Me wailing at how much I miss them wouldn't help anything. My job is to bring them up to have confidence and be surrounded by as many loving adults as possible, not to cling to them for my own reasons.

2rebecca · 13/06/2010 21:33

I must admit a 3 1/2 hour journey x 2 every other weekend sounds mad. I suspect he won't want to take the kids to his parents every other weekend though and that this will just be initially and then he'll get his own place sorted out.

sophdan · 17/06/2010 00:44

Hi lamazed,

Believe me it's difficult thinking Friday to Sunday night with out your young children.

I have a similar situation to yours it's not got to seperation yet but because stresses with our house, my DH, finances you name it in my life went down hill. Our children were 2 1/2yrs and 8mths. I got deep depression and was hospitalised for a month because of a mental break down, then because part of the stress is to do with the house I couldn't move back in with my family when I came out of hospital of fear of having another break down if the stresses got to much which they would of done. So as much as I hate it and it is very very upsetting hearing them on them phone but not being able to cuddle them, my DH has our children, I have to stay with my dad who is 4hr drive away with no car, when I was admitted in to hospital my DH refused to support me financially, and so far I've seen my children who DD is now 3 yrs and DS is nearly 1, twice in the four months since I went into hospital.
My DH has never been a compertant man but he has really had to pull his socks up these last four months.
The children do not forget thier parents even at 8mths and 2 1/2yrs.
But it's all about sharing and even though it's not the ideal situation at least your DH wants to help with the children.
Try not to have negitive views on this one, just try to make the situation better by agreeing. I know how hard it is, but you can do it.

vertigo · 17/06/2010 01:27

I am so very sorry for you Lamazed.

I am currently going through a similar situation. My DD was 7 months when the notion of breaking up was first mooted. (My DS 3).

I am assuming you aren't BF as that would make things more obvious at this age.

I found it very anxiety producing when (however well meaning) folk immediately fast forwarded to the think of the children - other parent etc etc. - before allowing you a moment of good old fashioned understanding as to what even contemplating being without your dcs, not by your choice, is like.

Now we have separated they are 4 and 1.5.
The first time exP took them to his Ps I was in pieces and found it very difficult to enjoy the me time everyone was so keen for me to see it as. I am not saying don't see it as that - just don't beat yourself up either if it feels awful to start with. Historically it is not as regular as your visits to yours.

Do you have a good relationship with his parents? I did find comfort in his M calling me and including me in decisions about meals to cook etc whilst they were there.

Of course one needs to think what is best for the children - you don't sound like you are not imho - but I would list out what is currently normal and see from there what is reasonable ie if it is you who does all the feeds for 8mo ordinarily then it seems unrealistic for there to be a double overnight at the start as an example. You mention co-sleeping - does your exH also co-sleep? Likewise if it is you who gets up in the night for your ds this should be factored in if you are at an early stage of transitioning to separate lives. Perhaps your PiL could come to you/his place initially so you can see them at some point in that weekend? Has he done the journey with them alone before?

If you do agree to them going for the weekend - make sure you have booked yourself something nice and have friends to see.

Sorry for holes in coherence - just realised the time but didn't want to not post.

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