are we all jekyll and hyde to some degree?

[snublebuss]

Behind every lovely mild interesting person with a happy and positive approach to life, is there a troubled relationship where that person is vile?

Opinions...?

I've just had yet another vile phonecall with my unduly-opinionated, aggressive parents. They spouted crap aggressively, I suggested their points of view could be more nuanced and complex, they thwacked back with aggression and stupidity, I thwacked back with Sir-Humphrey-Appleby-like stuff,..... it turned into the usual intellectual one-upmanship match where every part of the conversation was a deliberate put-down and everything ended in a deliberate change of subject by me.

I feel as a lowly worm (or something). i hate this kind of thing. And what makes it all the more inducing of self-loathing is that everyone here where i live and work thinks I'm lovely, measured, funny, nice, a good conversationalist....in their company i can be those things... and my parents think I'm a self-absorbed, negative, boring bitch. and in their company I am those things.

Frankly I'm a total cow with my parents.
But they are SO ANNOYING. and so unbelievably aggressive, compared to everyone I know everywhere else....
and that's not an excuse, is it

Please tell me other people have this problem?

... or am I just a complete bitch.....?

I don't think you're a bitch! I just think we respond differently to some people that we do others. Some people bring out the best in you and others bring out the worst.

yep. I think i just feel like wallowing and/or ablating the misery with reading lots of tales from other people how they have the same problem.

more productive to forget it, get off MN and go and do the shopping....

Defo,
I have many many sides. Some i like being some i dont.

Thing is i have little control over them.

In certain situations with ceratin people i am sunshine and smiles.

in others i am irritable and horrid.

It is automatic, it is in my psychy almost.
Like a switch is flipped almost.

Also, there are various degrees of sunshine and smiles and varying degrees of irritable and arsy. these depnd on many factors, none the least how i am feeling that day.

Always thought (with self loathing) thats its not natural and its no normal. Well in actual fact it is because probably every single person you could possibly speak to in the whole world will tell you that they too have a many sided personality.
so there you go, its inherent and its human nature.
yes?

If you read the original story of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde (by R L Stevenson, for those who'd like to look it up), the potion removed all Jekyll's inhibitions. He didn't turn into someone else, exactly, he let loose the evil - aka the unleashed wild human - that lived inside him but which he could normally control. It became addictive, Hyde began to pop up unbidden until Jekyll needed to take potions just to remain himself, and eventually the two of them became almost indistinguishable. A good metaphor for the human condition. Most of us have our Hydes well hidden (ahahaha); when someone rubs us up the wrong way we might want to smack them in the mouth, but most of us wouldn't, due to a combination of our better instincts, upbringing, reason and fear of consequences. Some people let him out when they've had a few drinks. And a few (sociopaths etc) don't have the boundaries in the first place.

The moral of this story, Best Beloved, is not to hate yourself for what you feel, but to work on controlling what you do.

you're right. It's so hard to control though, isn't it? Particularly when someone is rude and aggressive again and again and again....

I spend days after every phonecall mulling over how the conversation could have gone, how I'd like it to have gone, how it could have been better or more productive - and then sunday comes around again and we go back into our nasty little roles of disrespect, disdain and distaste.

I probably shouldn't engage with them by suggesting their views could be more nuanced (and giving them examples of how this might work) - but if I don't engage then I don't know how to stop them with their aggressive censoriousness.

Hmm. My mum judges everything I do. It's an ingrained habit with her - in fact, I did it myself until I got 'therapised'. It's not all negative, by any means, but it's unnecessarily controlling.
Me: "I've planted sweet peas."
Her: "Oh, good! You have to provide support for them, you know."
Me: "Yes, I put string up."
Her: "That's right, well done."

It gets on my nerves immensely! I wish she could just say "Oh, lovely" or something. But she can't. This means that, throughout every conversation with her, I'm doing little mental kangaroo-jumps. I feel wildly irritated; I realise what she's just done; I remind myself it's her tic not mine; I ignore it.

It's quite tiring. But far less tiring than trying to get her to change! I have hopes of ignoring the judgements automatically, with practise ... which is odd, because I didn't "hear" them when I shared her dysfunctionality. I suppose I'm aiming for a different kind of deafness, now

Well, I don't know your folks, but I'm guessing they express their opinions bluntly because they want to, and aren't particularly bothered about giving offence. Some call it honesty, others may be tempted to call it rudeness. You'll never educate people who don't wish to be educated. Nor are you likely ever to have a sensible conversation with them of the type you're looking for. On the other hand their ignorance isn't going to rub off on you, thank goodness. Refusing to engage by changing the subject, as you do, or refusing to discuss it on the grounds that you don't agree but don't want to argue, may feel like letting them get away with it, but it won't make a difference if you do fight back so you may as well save the energy. But what you can then find that's "safe" to talk about I have no idea! Do you have to call them every weekend?

My sister is a sweetie but she does have some views I can't stomach, so whenever she starts on one of those I either say let's not talk about that (have to be firm because she's not good at dropping subjects until she's had her full say) or, I regret to say, teasing rather. Like saying something I know she will be totally shocked by. When she's too busy gasping and spluttering to answer, that's when I slip in a total change of subject!