When do you stop catering 4 some1 ridicoulous emotional demands and what if they go over the edge?

[Schnullerbacke]

Hello wise Mumsnetters,

I need to vent otherwise I might do something I'll later regret. Long story, always is....

My Mum is a functioning alcoholic, of course she doesn't see it that way, has noooo problems with drink whatsover .

She's been drinking for over 15 years I guess, seen her plenty legless and in disgusting states when I was younger but otherwise cannot fault her as she would dust herself off, go to work and would be there for us. So apart from drinking, we had a good childhood. Would have been easier if it wasn't so cause then I would have to love her and could cut her out of my life....

Anyhow, used to live in different country, went to see my parents as often as I could. Now (until Dec) live 4 hrs on train from them and try to see them as often as possible due to grandkids. We do lots together, usually get on great. There is no drinking in my house at all when they come over and after being drunk once in her hse when I came to visit, she doesn't as otherwise I would leave.

Cue yesterday. Friday I mentioned that my (step) dad wanted his dad to see the kids (hadn't ever seen them) and she replied that she wanted dropping off somewehere. She doesn't get on with Dad's side of family so I wasn't surprised. Come Sat, we had breakfast, she didn't, then we got ready to leave - she said she would do the washing. My shit-radar already sensed that something was wrong.

We came back, she drunk in bed. Stayed there all night thank god. I don't tend to violence but yesterday I was ready to kick her face in. I know this sounds harsh but her and alcohol makes me see red like nothing else.

Asked her this morning was this pathetic thing is all about: everything is fine. No problems, she doesn't want to talk about it, I should leave her alone, if I want I can leave (she actually really adores her grandkids so very strange to hear).

Dad asked her what is wrong. Answer: she doesn't belong to his family, nor to this one, no one asked her if she wanted breakfast yesterday, blah blah. I didn't get special invitation from Dad for brekkie either, we all made it, there was a plate for everyone, she wanted red carpet.

Anyway, could continue but could write for England so better stop somewhere.
Question is, when do you stop catering for someone's crazy emotional demands? We never ever treat her like she doesn't belong, I do more with her and the kids than Dad as he works longer.

I'm just sick to my teeth in her effing self-wallowing pitty state and want to slap some sense into her. I cannot tell her every 5 mins she is the greatest and 'invite' her for things that are normal, like brekkie. She has serious control issues, aaarrggghhhh.

She is currently also seeing a doc for high blood pressure, doing lots of tests. Told me proudly that thryroid is ok, and this and that, well what about your fucking liver?

I'm sick of her not taking more care of herself (had cancer twice, smokes 40/day).

I don't want to take the kids from her but if it wasn't for Dad and sister I would have gone back to her. Sister is not close to her, she doesn't get on with Dad and I'm scared that if I pull away from her it will push her over the edge.

So, how supportive can one be? Should I be more understanding in her plight (whole world is against her) or do I need to let go? Basically, where do you draw the line from being supportive and understanding mental illness to not playing stupid games?

Sorry if I have bored you all to death. Please impose some wisdom onto me. And no, she would not go to AA, we tried.

I don't know what the answer is here. But I do know you should be thinking more about taking care of yourself and your children. Taking care of them, and you, is your job. Taking care of her is not your job. Not even remotely.

Yes, your actions may "push her over the edge": but that wouldn't be your fault. She can't hold you hostage with her alcoholism, that's ludicrous. Many people say that alcoholics need to hit bottom before they will get help and sort themselves out. Maybe you saying 'enough' will be part of that process. Maybe not.

I was thinking of calling her doctor tomorrow and maybe fill in some 'gaps', maybe she can get through to her.

Thanks NotQuite for your words. I can ignore it all when I'm home and push it away, just coming home is such a pain in the arse sometimes. Poor Dad, he is far from perfect and he would drive me nuts too but having to put up with this. Bollocks.

Onwards and upwards I suppose.

Your Dad (stepdad?) is an adult and has made his own choices - it's not your job to take care of him, either!

Talking to her doctor does sound like a reasonable idea, if you've not done it before, but odds are, she is not going to change.

You didn't cause this situation, you cannot change it, and you cannot control it. It sounds a bit like you hold yourself responsible for it all. Please take care of yourself.

Yep ... The Serenity Prayer goes:
" Grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference. "
If your mother ever goes to AA, she will learn it. For now, use it yourself.

Calling her GP is not worth doing; she is beyond reason here besides which she does not want to be helped anyway. You could not get her to go to AA anyway (no surprise there frankly) so what could the GP do?.

Your Mother has to want to help her own self here; no one can make her seek help if she does not want it.

You cannot help someone who ultimately does not want to be saved. Harsh but true. Your Dad has and continues to enable her and you don't have to be responsible for him either. You do not have to enable your Mum as enabling only gives the person a false sense of control. Personally I would also be thinking twice about letting the children see her as well.

Alcoholics can truly be the most selfish people in the entire world. What you need to do is emotionally detach from her. You may want to call Al-anon as well as they are very good at helping family members of problem drinkers.

There are no guarantees here; she could lose everything and she could still drink.

You need to remember the 3cs re alcoholism:-
You did NOT cause this
You CANNOT control this
You CANNOT cure this

The self pity, the "not belonging" stuff, that's only an excuse for the drinking, you know. You could bend over backwards and do everything exactly how she asked, but she'd only find something else to get upset about so that she would "have to" drown her sorrows. Rationally you know you aren't driving her to drink - she was already there.

Another suggestion is to look up Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). Even though your mom is/was "functioning" she still chose the bottle over you in an emotional sense. That does have long lasting effects on you and may lead to a discovery/resolution of the web you feel caught in for being responsible for her or to enable her.

As previously suggested, detach yourself emotionally and consider a reformation of your physical barriers as well...not saying cut her out, but reassess your boundaries. Be ready to debrief your dc regarding your mom's behavior/state; let them know, at least, that this isn't normal.

Any 'fallout' from any decision/change you make is not your problem. I repeat: their reaction is not your problem-that is their problem. Yes, they will (probably) try to make you own it- making you responsible for their lives; but you are not responsible for their lives. This is where you need your backbone, do not cave in. The children are watching-this will be a big 'touchpoint' (something they will remember) in their life.

Good luck, and yes, enough is enough.