Tips, please, on how to handle meeting my ex's new partner

[FrenchToast]

My ex's new partner has recently moved in with him, and DS is now regularly spending time with her too, when he visits his dad. By all accounts (well, DS's and my ex's), she is lovely - fun with DS, laid back, etc. I know this is all good - I want DS to be happy when he's at his dad's.

I haven't met this lady yet, and I'm getting into a bit of a state about when we do finally meet - which I expect will be soon enough, since they only live a mile away and I often drop off/pick up DS. What's getting to me is that, during our relationship, my ex pointed out my many inadequacies more times than I can remember, particularly the shortcomings (in his view) of my physical appearance. I didn't start the relationship with a great self image, and by the time it ended, it was in tatters. I've since managed to rebuild this confidence a bit, but I still falter easily, and I'm not feeling strong enough to handle an encounter with someone who presumably ticks a lot of boxes that I didn't/don't.

So, how do I keep myself together when we meet? I don't want to behave automatically as though I'm inferior and she's the better person, which I fear I might - nor seem frosty. Or we could just avoid meeting up altogether! After all, if it weren't for DS, we'd have nothing to do with each other.

I really don't want to be with my ex. She's welcome to him. But this has derailed me - caught me off-guard - and caused some old insecurities to take centre stage again. Any thoughts on how to get a grip? Thanks.

Sounds like you are better off without him. For all you know she may be getting the same finger pointed at her by him. He sounds a total twat. Remember you dont have to please him, just please yourself.

Yep, you know she's in for shit and the best you can do is ... to treat her like an ordinary, nice woman who's in for some shit!

Do "give her things she can keep", as in compliments on her appearance, or sense of hunour, or wisdom, or knack with children - stuff about her for the person she is. She'll be grateful for them, in times to come.

Don't try telling her how to 'manage' your ex, or assume he's already shown his bad side. This is not your issue, thank goodness. You have to tolerantly leave her to find out for herself

Avoid over-sharing about your lives together. Keep any conversations about the kids light, agree to discuss any practical issues around sports events & so on, and share any essential info about DC health problems, SN care and suchlike.

Smile a lot and Be Lovely. You can do it right!!

ps: Wear something pretty and appropriate. It's not a beauty contest.

If it were a contest, she's won the booby prize, poor dear. If she's judging you and feeling superior then she's not so nice anyway.

I don't have experience with exes, but I do meet people who have care of my child at one time or another, health visitors, nursery staff, teachers and (unfortunately) counsellors. The approach with such people, most of whom are very nice, is to be pleasant but professional. (I'm a bit too chatty really, being just one of life's motormouths, but I do try to remember it's their valuable working time.) You don't have a personal relationship with them and their private lives are none of your business. What you do between you to make your child's life better is your, and their, business. You are neither more nor less important than a teacher in the general scheme of things; you are the mother, so you are naturally most important to your child, whereas they are the trained professional who has lots of other children to look after, so they have importance at the school. You should respect each other.

This woman is just another person who has occasional care of your child. If you like eeach other, great. If you don't hit it off, it doesn't matter, so long as you can trust her to look after your precious offspring.

Meanwhile, do love yourself, and do try not to let what the horrid ex said get you down. It's nothing to do with you really when a spouse gets critical. It's all power games. It's been said before on many threads here: such men seem to have a radar for women with low self esteem, a ready-made button to press. The best revenge for what he did to you is to feel good about yourself, but if you can't manage that yet, at least fake it!

eeach? hmph.

I sympathise, French toast.

I have often thought the worst thing about divorce would be some other woman hanging out with my children. You want the kids to like her...but not too much!

Your DS will know you are mum, and irreplaceable.

You shouldn't give a s**t what she or your husband think of your appearance. Why would their opinion matter to you? Care about what the people you love think, not them.

Hard as it probably is, I would actually arrange a meeting rather than leave it to chance. Get on the front foot. Maybe do it one day at handover time?

You are the mum, and you are therefore in charge of childcare issues. Try to be polite, and say that obviously everyone's priority has to be the welfare of your child. And discuss any childcare issues. Treat her as though she were a new nanny maybe?

Would it be easier to talk to her without your ex present?

Could you possibly do the meeting with a girlfriend there to support you? Maybe on the pretext that you two are off somewhere nice together, now you have some free time whole someone else is looking after the child for a bit?