Please help me compose what I'm going to say to kids to tell them we are splitting

[innerstrength]

Kicked out adulterous dh who has no feelings 3 days ago. Have detailed on another thread.

Feel physically sick about how to tell kids age 8,6,4. Have had helpful suggestions that best is a watered down version of the truth with lots of reassurance. Feel kids should know before I start telling other people.

At 1pm today I asked him to email me his suggestions as to what we should say, as I would not tell them anything without agreeing it with him first. 11pm now, he still hasn't emailed.

How about -

You may have noticed Mummy and Daddy have not been getting on well recently. Well very sadly we have decided to split up. Unfortunately Daddy fell in love with another lady, and Mummy is very upset about this.

We both love you very much etc etc, and nothing is really going to change here at all, other than the fact that Daddy won't sleep here.

Sounds ok but for the love of god don't use the word mummy or daddy. Change it to mum or dad at least. I find mummy / daddy patronising in the extreme.

I wouldn't use the word 'sadly' and I wouldn't tell them about the OW.

Mention the other woman really?? Tmi for young children I think.

Thanks for the advice - my only concern about omitting the OW info, was that they could end up hearing about her through someone else, which could be upsetting and confusing for them.

I would say 'as you've maybe noticed we haven't been getting along very well and we thought we should have our own houses to stay in'

'that way we can both be happy and be happier parents to you' followed by the we both still love you very much etc.

I would not mention the other woman, how unhappy you are etc, ideally you would both do it together and really sell it to them.

Maybe i'm a bit naive, but thats what I would do (i think)

I think, if you can bear to, for this moment you need to swallow what a horrible cheating pig he is and not mention the OW. "Unfortunately Daddy fell in love with another lady, and Mummy is very upset about this." is just "He's a cheating scumbag and he hurt your mother who is(understandably) very bitter about it" dressed up in baby talk. At under 10 none of them are old enough to be able to process this properly, it's just going to upset and confuse them. Just tell them that you're going to live apart.

hi innerstrength, sorry you're having to go through this
i think theres no way of avoiding the fact that your kids are going to resent your ex for splitting the family up, but maybe not include the OW in this initial conversation? its a lot to take in, and even though your ex is clearly an appalling partner, the kids have to have a chance at respecting him as a dad. maybe he should tell them.
initially id just tell them what you have said apart from the bit about the OW. give them time to digest it. they dont need to hear that daddy cheated on mummy, your ex should be the one to say 'i have met another lady who i like very much, but she is not your mummy and never will be'

i remember my parents saying that they loved each other like family, but werent IN love anymore. that we were still a family, the same family we'd always been, except that they were not going to be a couple any more.
i know at the time the one thing i clung on to was the thought that we were all still a family, even if we lived seperately.
it comforted me a lot, i know i was a teenager and yours are young but maybe this would help them too?

Much as it must stick in your throat, I wouldn't mention the OW, IS.

I wouldn't even say at this stage that you've been hurt by their Dad, because at their age, their little minds believe that any hurt can be forgiven and they might think badly of you because you can't forgive a mistake that their Dad has made. Plus I imagine that when this fuckwit of a H gets around to seeing them, he will use them as a weapon to try to wheedle himself back - and you will look the bad guy.

Therefore, I think you should tell them that this is a joint decision and one that you both feel is best for them in the long run. You should ask your H to afford you the respect and dignity to back up this story in any interaction he has with the DCs - and of course he should not bring the OW anywhere near them for a good while yet.

As they get older, they will probably ask you some questions about the break-up - and at that stage (11plus I reckon) you can start to tell them the truth. It's at that age that they can learn that some things can never be forgiven.

I like the suggestion of reassuring them they are still a family and also at this stage of their lives, try to find some positives, such as it will be exciting for them to have sleepovers at Dad's new place when he gets it. Children tend to focus on such things and although that can be hurtful in a way, it is actually a good thing for them to see a silver lining.

This is going to be heartbreakingly hard for you I know - and you will need to see someone in RL as quickly as possible so that you can have a good howl at the injustice of it all, but throughout, have it uppermost in your mind that the lesson you are teaching your DCs will be a powerful one. That cheating and deceit are never acceptable and that you were brave and admirable once in forgiving the first affair, but that you would never want them to forgive repeated adultery.

You have done nothing wrong - and in time your DCs will see this. As adults, they will applaud you for your stance and they will have high expectations of their future relationships.

FGS, absolutely don't mention the OW at the moment.

Tell them that you have been arguing too much and need a break for a while. Reassure them that you both adore them and that that will never change, but that you will not be livin together for the time being.

In time, when they are old enough to ask questions you can answer them, and when they are old enough, they will understand what happened and who did what to whom.

Thank you all, this is really helpful. I understand what you are all saying about not mentioning OW.

Also need help composing a dignified letter to school. Is there any way I can IMPLY what has happened without actually giving them any facts? I know it is none of their business, but at the same time, want people to know the truth

Do you think your kids are acting out at school?

If not, with 6 weeks to go to holidays, maybe hold fire, then have a quiet chat with their new teachers in September. Just to let them know that due to changed home circumstances, kids might be a bit more fragile than normal, and to let you know if they have any concerns about behaviour.

Presumably the school does need to know who to contact in emergencies, and who to talk to about any problems. You should agree with H that it will be you, and just spell that out in a letter. They'll have seen lots of divorces before, and you probably only need to say the minimum for them to get it.

Don't know if that helps.

Actually, I think if the children are going to be told that their parents' marriage has broken up (and I agree that they must) it is important that this is not kept secret from their friends or teachers, so that they can offload a little if they need to.

Telling the school isn't just about cutting them some slack for misbehaviour, it is also so that they can help the children if needed. I agree that this is sadly an all too common story and they will have developed skills with which to help DCs in this situation.

I would rung ex not email him
I would talk to the class teachers and explain you have split up and the kids might need an extra eye kept on them
so sorry to hear you're going through this

I'm also in the camp of not worrying about school until there is something to worry about, there is only 6wks to go, tell them in Sept, and I dare-say you all will be in a totally different place by then.

I think you should tell school. Not in a letter but go in and say that you need a quick word with teachers and just tell them the truth.

School can offer you a lot of support too and 6 weeks is a long time if the children do start to suffer a bit.

I really feel for you. My friend is going through this and it is tough but with support and sharing with others you will get through it.

'Dad and I love you more than anything else in the whole world. But Dad and I have got something to tell you. He will be living somewhere else from now on as you may have noticed that things have been a bit tricky here lately. You will be able to go and see where he is living and of course you can see him whenever you want to.............'

weak

Collision I really like that wording. Thank you.

innerstrength
We had to tell our kids this at easter, and the one thing I was not prepared for was for them to say "WHY?" "Why mummy, why?"
It was absolutely heart wrenching.
We told them we would still be a family and we mean it. I remember saying something about our relationship/ marriage being broken. If i had another go I would have said that we were just very unhappy living together.

WHY do you need people at school to know "the truth?" Would you really be happy for teachers to be disapproving of your kids dad? How does that help them? I'm sorry for sounding harsh, but when you start to let your anger and hurt dictate then the ones who will really be hurt are your kids.

As for telling the school - my kids teachers and the head teacher have all been so so kind and supportive. It has been such a relief to know that they are keeping and eye on my kids when I can't. Also I'm hoping that since they know what is going on they will cut my kids some slack if they misbehave etc.

My ex had sorted out a place to live before we told them - so right after we told them - after some tears etc, we took them out for a walk and showed them where daddy's place would be. I thought it really helped to have someplace to go to break the tension.

good luck - its the worst thing I have ever done. Just keep in mind that slagging off their dad is like an arrow through their heart.

hijack

We told our dc a few weeks ago - I agree with a few others here in that I wouldn't mention the OW. It is too much info for them.

One thing I learnt from telling them is be very succinct and to the point. Dont waffle, and be careful what words you use. They will pick up on certain words, whether they are relevant or not.

I also think it is very important to tell the school. Tell them as much as you want. A professional teacher wont be disapproving of your h. Their main concern is the DC.

My dc's school have been fantastic. My oldest ds (11) has struggled with what we told him and his confidence dropped. The school have put him on a couple of pupil councils (that discuss various school topics) and he feels very important and needed.

Telling the kids is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I hope it isn't too painful. I agree you shouldn't tell about the OW, and shouldn't need to tell school anything other than the fact that you are separating.

The kids don't need to deal with your anger / bitternes about what's going on so I'd leave that out completely.

I split at end January after 20+ years, and we have been able to do things as a family - kids birthdays etc. I worry that this is confusing for the kids but I hope it's not. We've been very clear that we're not going to get back together but will always care for each other because we've been together for so long.

I hate that the OW is in the kids lives now, but I won't let them see that.

Good luck with telling them. It does get better once it's out in the open.

I agree you should tell the school that you and your H have parted. It is not about whether the children are ' acting out', but about understanding that there may be events/subject areas coming up that could be sensitive for them, it is about understanding that if they are not themselves in school, this could be the reason, it is about helping teachers to understand why ( possibly) work is not up to usual standards etc. It also means that if they do get upset in school, staff have an idea what could be causing it and being able to support your children emotionally if needed.

Sorry, I don't have any other ideas for you. In the end, you have to do and say whatever you are comfortable with, because your children will very quickly realise if you are using someone else's words.