no good male role models?

[OTTMummA]

I have recently come to the conclusion that i have very little, to no respect for men.

I have never had a good/respectable/reliable male role model in my life,, ever,,, and the women in my life have always been bitter about it.
I have a husband i love dearly, but admit now that i don't trust him to do most things right, and dismiss his opinions about some important things quite regularly.
I love him, but TBH i feel a little resentful that i have turned into a mother figure.
I also have an only child and boy, i love him more than anything/one and i really am not sure what to do about changing my mind set about my attitude towards men.
I don't think of my son as a man yet, he is a child to me, and TBH ive never had more patience with anyone quite like i have with him.
But what do i do about how i feel.
I quite often have very negative thoughts about men and don't feel they are capable of much, its shameful to say, but i feel like a bit of a man hater.
what am i supposed to do about this?
every man in my life so far has been a complete let down and useless piece of shit.

every man? What about the husband you say you love?

I don't know what to suggest but that your dh should have a major role in your son's upbringing so that you can't pass on your negativity to him.

This is such a shame. Most men I know are kind and thoughtful. I think we still live with the legacy of Victorian values with women as the 'weaker sex' and men supposedly strong providers or whatever (I'm probably not expressing this very well). I think lots of men are quite weak and vulnerable emotionally and don't know how to express it because they're trying to live up to some kind of macho image.

Hopefully boys like your ds will grow up with a more enlightened image of women, having seen your strength as well as the caring and nurturing side of your nature.

Role models come in many forms. Just because you don't have a great partner or father doesn't mean that he won't have good male role models. They can be teachers, sports coaches, friends' fathers etc.

Try to think positive you attract what you give out. There are some nice men out there its just finding them thats the problem

my husband is lovely, but at important times quite useless.
He was a spoilt only child whos mother never taught him to do anything around the home.

My own father was a violent schizophrenic and wasn't allowed contact by law until i was 18, when i made contact he acted all excited etc, but then made no other contact at all, my step dad was selfish in everyway, materially, emotionally etc and eventually left my mum for his OW ( he had been having an affair for all but one yr whilst with my mum. )
My grandad abandoned my mum and her siblings from a young age, and although can't remember him well, im ashamed of his actions.
Other men who i have trusted and relied on have ended up abusing me physically and mentaly, or using me in a number of ways.

I also currently live in an all male house apart from me, and i just want to pack a suitcase and leave.
Ive had enough, really, really, had enough.

Like you, OP, I wasn't exactly surrounded by shining examples of manhood in my youth. I also then went on to marry over-entitled males.
I make lists of role models, male & female. It's part of my therapeee
Here are some of the men:
Barack Obama
Melvyn Bragg
Richard Madeley
An ex-boss named Simon
An old geography teacher, Mr.K
William Beveridge
David Beckham
Alan Sugar (sorry!)
David Attenborough

... they're not ALL twunts, you know. Though I'm willing to believe they all fart & scratch their balls at the wrong moment

Do you think your son picks up on your anti-male feelings?

I must admit to finding it hard to understand where you're coming from tbh. Of course some men are prats for all sorts of reasons but so are lots of women.

Having a dick does not automatically mean that a person is bad, iykwim, and I love boys (and particularly teenage boys because I've got one) and would hate to think that my ds felt in any way inferior to girls.

mumblechum, I tend to feel this explains where she's coming from:

• My own father was a violent schizophrenic
• my step dad was selfish in everyway, materially, emotionally etc and eventually left my mum for his OW ( he had been having an affair for all but one yr whilst with my mum
• My grandad abandoned my mum and her siblings from a young age
• Other men who i have trusted and relied on have ended up abusing me physically and mentally
• my husband is lovely, but at important times quite useless

Her children are all boys. She entitled her thread "role models". What is it that you don't understand?

OK, I worded my post wrongly. What I should have said I suppose is that I didn't have a crap dad, therefore I personally don't have a negative male FATHER type role model.

Other men have been emotionally and physically abusive to me in the past but that hasn't made me automatically assume that all men are prats.

I think the OP's son's male role model is his dad, and however "useless" the OP may find him as a husband, doesn't automatically make him a bad role model as a father. It's two completely different things.

I think mumblechum that I need to find some good role model, I need to see the positive in men, i focus on the negative as i easily see it, and to me that often outweighs any good i find.

there are somethings i think my son should learn from me, and thats the expectations on how a boy/man should act/behave from the perspective of a woman.
I would hate to be responsible for producing another man that treated women like dirt.

I think girls and women have been viewed like that as well and we hate it. No gender is better or worse than the other. There are good and bad people. Try and find some positive role models for you and your son, and focus on your dhs good points.

Of course there are men who are idiots it just seems you have decided to use the few men you know to judge all men that exist.

How would you feel if one man had terrible experiences with all the women in his life therefore just started to hate all women. I just hope that as your son grows older that he does not pick up your resentment of him due to his gender because that could cause him to resent women in turn.

Your talking about role models what about your husband you say that all of a sudden you don't trust him was this some random occurrence or is it warranted?

I've been thinking about what you wrote, OTTMA. There seem to be 2 issues here.
One is that you don't respect men (understandably) and you fear the impact this may have on your son's self-esteem or confidence?
The other is that you feel like your H's mother - and that feeds into your contempt for men?

The first thing I'd like to suggest is that you get yourself on Assertiveness course. You can stop letting your H play Child to your Parent. In doing so, you can hand him the rights and responsibilites of a REALLY nice man; for all anyone knows, he might take this with both hands and run with it.

There's a very good assertiveness primer here:
www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A2998551
A course is always good, as you then get to practise with real people.

For more information about Parent, Child and Adult states, read up a little on Transactional Analysis. The main idea is that we all play out little scripts all the time. Sometimes we can get locked into unhelpful scripts - a good example would be if you ask H to hang out the washing (in an Adult way).
If he then says "No, I can't be bothered", he's acting like a Child.
That might trigger you to go into Parent mode, like "I said hang out the washing, do it now!" - or you might go into Child mode as well, with an "Oh, you never do anything I want!"

More about Transactional Analysis here:
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transactional_analysis#Kinds_of_transactions
and here
www.itaa-net.org/ta/CoreConcepts/index.htm.

You know my list of male role models? How about finding a few for yourself, and doing a bit of research on them? You could make a scrapbook biography. Ask your son to get involved. The point of this is to highlight the qualities in your chosen men, which you really admire. For example, Alan Sugar's on mine because of his devotion to family values, and that he cares about young people's development. Making a project of good things is very constructive, and it cheers you up!

Dunno if any of this helps? Hope so

OP You do not respect men, because they do not respect you, because you do not respect yourself.Blunt but true as ISGRACEAVAILABLE states it is about being assertive, getting what you want, like attracts like.Men only treat woman like rubbish if they are allwed to.

your right, i don't respect myself, its hard to like yourself when no one has liked you either.

ahhh, but you will

Your assertiveness training will really help with your self-respect. How do you feel about starting a 'role models' project? You could always join me in doing one on women as well!

The way these help me is twofold.

I make a point of picking out admirable qualities in the women, which I feel also have - or have the potential for. Then I big myself up a bit in that area, and think about how my role model would advise me to build on that particular talent.

The other way they help me is as 'imaginary parents'. I don't know about you, but I'm constantly judging myself by what my parents would think - even though I know they're fucked-up and no sane person would seek their advice! So, instead, I think "What would Richard & Judy say?" or "Would Kate Adie do it like this?"

It's a damn sight more helpful than criticising myself, or living by my parents' dysfunctional standards

OTTMumm It really can be changed , a cycle like this.It is up to YOU to DECIDE, you already have decided imo and have come to this conclusion.Your new mindset has to embrace the fact that for others to love you, you must first love yourself.Sounds corny but the mantra is from tommorrow "Because I am worth it",do not put up with anything less than sub standard behaviour from anyone, rise above all ther crap.And strive to make yourself happy, live happy in the moment, to the best you can.Hope this does not sound too mad btw.