I need advice :(

[AvadaKedavra]

Couldn't be arsed to name-change, so if you think you know me on FB (I know one person definitely will) please don't say anything.

I have wanted to post for ages but can never find the words, very hard to put it down in writing, almost like it's making it true and not just my feelings if that makes sense.
I think my marriage is failing

We don't have sex, he isn't interested, won't tell me why and despite several heart to hearts whereby we BOTH agree to change/make an effort nothing has changed and it all falls to me to insitgate it, he doesn't and hasn't ever given oral nor has he ever touched me intimately down there. There is defnintely some problem but he won't open up to me. (should add am 95% certain not gay)

The affection has pretty much gone, the kisses, the hugs very minimal and usually instigated by me anyway. He's a good man, a good friend and a decent bloke really.
He doesn't have any friends though, is very shy, hates going out, if we do go out or away for a break we always fall out as he would rather sit in the corner/hotel room.

I had a bit of a crunch talk with him the other night, asked if he was happy when he said Yes I told him I was surprised as I had felt things haven't been great between uis for a while now. He didn't say anything, just went mmhmm. I kind of left it there really, said that I wasn't going to get into a big hooha right now (were in bed) and he needed to think about our relationship and we'd talk at a future point. I'm now pullign away from him physically, using any excuse to sleep in the spare room as I just don't want to be near someone who can't bring themselves to make love to their wife

It's been bumbling along for the last 18 months really but I am seriously wondering if this is the time to do ultimatums?
I left behind my friends and family to move to the other end of the country to be with him but for him he didn't lose anything, rather gained a housekeeper. I will lose my home and my job (childminding) in one fell swoop and I really don't know what to do.

I'm 36, this is my 2nd marriage, we've been together 5 years and had a helluva lot of stress to bear in our marriage so far with infertility, cancer, long term illness, work stresses etc. I don't expect a marriage to be all sunshine and roses and I know we have to work at it, but it's always feeling like it's me doing all the work.

Add to all that a good friend of mine has made it clear he likes me. I am not in the market for another relationship and naively assumed that if my husband wasn't intered in me that no other man would be, but it's really opened my eyes to the fact that men will find me attractive and want me.

I don't really know what advice I need but I had to get it all out, I am very unhappy right now, so even if you've read this and don't have a reply, thank you for listening, sorry rambled a bit and probably makes no sense.

I think that men are less likely to do anything to change their relationship and he probably thinks why should he as he is happy as he is with things as they are.

I think you are right there Fab, he gets his house kept nice for him, home cooked meals, free to watch however much sport he likes (a lot right now!).

It upsets me that the man who is supposed to know me the best can't see how unhappy I am, I have told him several times over the last 18moths how unhappy I was becoming.

Then he isn't hearing so you need to show him that you are not prepared to let things go on as they are.

If only we could get rid of kids as easy as husbands sometimes.

Any idea how Fab? if telling him face to face that I am not happy and I would like xyz to happen hasn't made any difference?

Is it really ultimatum time? and then what do I say, fuck me or I'm gone?

I can't tell you if it is ultimatum time. Maybe before that you need to make him believe you will go if things don't change.

I have hinted at that before, albeit in a jokingish manner - then again am still here so probably doesn't believe me he obviously also knows too that I have nowhere to go, no money as I would lose my job, no savings, no family here.

Going out shortly but will check back later on.

Stop hinting and joking and think seriously if this is a deal breaker.

I have kind of been where you are but with the added complication of my ex being in touch and us both wishing we could shag the week away.

What does he want from your relationship?

I think that is a good starting point because until you know what it is he wants you can't make an informed decision as to whether that is something you also want.

|For example, if he wants a sexless marriage with you living as friends then clearly that isn't going to work for you as you are not happy.

If however, he wants to go to counselling separately and together to see if you can build a fulfilling relationship for both of you then you can decide if you want to put in the work and stay.

You could go if you wanted to, you could move back to be with family and you could build your childminding business back up.
Your registration would still be current if you moved.
I don't know if at the moment you want to leave though.

From what you've said you have had far more to deal with than most people within the first five years of a marriage, but then again you said that he has never touched you intimately, not even when you first got together?? If not, then perhaps he is one of those who is simply not interested in sex or physical intimacy.

Thanks for replying oiteach, that's a good point, asking him what he expects from our marriage, I will do that - and he can't exactly just go mmhmm at that it being an open question and all. I don't know when to broach it all though, what with watching 3 footy matches a day for the next however long and all

I couldn't do my cming if I moved back home, I am in Scotland now and it's a matter of entirely re-registering. I do like it here though, I don't know if I want to leave either

No he's not ever touched me there apart from maybe twice when drunk.

Hi Avada,

Have you thought about taking a week's holiday? going down to see friends/family or going away? sometimes a bit of space will give you the time to figure out what you really want.

It might also be a wake up call to your OH having to fend for himself for a week and realising what he'll lose.

I had an ex who didn't indulge in oral/touching after 6 months I asked why and he was just embarrassed and things then got a lot better between us. I had wrongly assumed he just didn't want to, have you ever asked or guided him that way? diffficult atm when nothing is happening.

Hope things work out for you, sounds like you've had a tough few years.

Fab how did it turn out for you? Well I hope

Well I talked with him again last night and made it clear it was make or break but still he wouldn't really engage with me and am left none the wiser as to what will happen.
I guess it's just for me to make the decision and sort it out myself then

LB I am away for a week shortly visiting family and am glad tbh. I need time away.

Just a quickie to say I have left. That week away gave me breathing space and time to think and decide without distractions what I wanted.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off

We've still got finances to sort out but aside from that, life begins here

Hi Avada

Sorry to hear what's happened, but I always think if you feel that a weight has been lifted, its normally a good sign that you've done the right thing!

Life is too short to be sad!

Hi

This is the first time ive read your OP and wow that sounds like me and dh although he is occasionally interested in sex but very very rarely, my dh never listens to me and will hapily plod along like this forever

I always think about if i should be with him, have been unhappy for such a long time but he is a good man, lazy but generally a nice person a great daddy and i feel like id be mad to get rid of someone who is overall a nice person. he rarely shows me no affection, no kisses holding hands nothing

Reading your message gives me hope, so thank you and well done [happy]

Just caught up with this, good for you AK, you still have loads of life ahead of you.
If it helps, I'm your age and last time I went out, I got chatted up by a 27 year old... made me feel better, I can tell you!

Hi Avada,

I've just picked up your thread and found it gave me hope TBH. So many people post on here (including myself) about being unhappy in a relationship but then either leave and don't go back on to update us, or just carry on putting up with the crap.

If you don't mind me asking, how did you go about doing it? Did you just tell him outright "this is the way it's going to play"?

My Ex was so like your Ex dp AK. . .i hung on in there till he sapped the life out of me. No sex, aggression and bad temper from him for several years. Plus our poor son oof 5 yrs was in the middle of it all. You have probably done the right thing. I wish i had had the guts to dump my Ex much earlier, as the upset and pain he put me through was great. Well done, stay strong and good luck!

Good luck. Hope everything works out well for you.

oooh messages

Am not able to get online very often at all now, says a lot that I miss my internet connection more than my Ex!

Frog - I just said this is how it is and this is what I am doing. He didn't offer any resistance or pleading or anything. No emotion at all really.

It's been a strange week so far of adjusting to having lost my home and my job also in one fell swoop, to staying at a friends and living out of suitcases, of having to sign on the dole, to having exactly £4 to last me till this Friday - but you know what, am still far far happier!

For whatever reason, this man really wasn't bothered about you - he just wanted a free housekeeper. In his head, I expect, he is thinking, oh well I will be able to find another desperate single mum to come and cook and clean for me soon.
Don't give him another thought, now's the time to build a good new life for yourself. Best of luck.