I posted this in AIBU but got my thread titles mixed up somehow, so apologies if you have read this already....
This is going to be long... but i will start from the beginning so i can get a true unbiased picture..
Me and DH met when i was 17, he was 24 and in the armed forces.
We had been seeing each other for 2 weeks when i was very stupid and had a 1 night stand. I was wracked with guilt but foolishly kept it quiet because DH was going to Iraq for 6 months the following week and honestly, i didnt know whether i would see him again - i wasnt sure if our relationship was a serious one at this point.
Whilst he was away we kept in touch and when he was home on his R&R we spent the week together - It was the most amazing week of my life, i went to meet him from Brize Norton to bring him home and i was all set to tell him that week but the moment i saw him again i knew i couldnt - i was so in love with him it was unreal, and so scared of losing him that i just couldnt bring myself to do it. We met each others families that week and unknown to me he had asked permission to marry me - something i found out on the day of his return from ops when he proposed to me! I said yes straight away and i was so happy but that secret was still there i just couldnt bring myself to do it.
Anyhows fast forward a few months and im 6 months pregnant and we get married and i move into married quarters with him ( all this within 12 months of meeting).
Three weeks after moving in i knew i couldnt keep it secret any longer so i told him what happened.
He was devestated, and even more so that i had kept it quiet for a year. I begged him for forgeiveness and reassured him i would never ever do it again ( which i never have) but he was heartbroken and i was too at the thought of hurting him so much.
From that point he completely changed.
I had no one where we lived to talk to, i was 400 miles from my home town, and only the house phone for company.
I wasnt allowed to speak to neighbours, and he tried to stop me going to the local college to finish my NVQs - luckily i talked him round about that one.
I had to sleep in the spare bedroom.
He spent all his time playing on his pc and wouldnt even talk to me apart from when he needed to. We would have blazing rows about what happened, he would call me every name under the sun, tell me how disgusting i was, and he told me he wanted me to leave once the baby was born, and he didnt believe the baby was his (she is).
Anyhow the final row before she was born sent me into labour (i believe) and our daughter was born - a carbon copy of DH and he seemed to melt - i relaxed thinking things would calm now. Things did get better but then DH went back to Iraq when DD was 8wks old.
Things were strained whilst he was away but not too bad until three weeks before he came home when he requested a DNA test on our daughter. I agreed - i knew she was his, and i told him this and when he came home we went for the tests and the results came through - he was her father. I hoped this would help put things to rest, but he changed dramatically.
He would start rows for silly reasons - for example the changing bag was untidy inside.
He began hitting me not just at home but in public, and i fled back home with DD to my parents, started renting a house and managed to get a transfer to a different branch of my workplace.
He left the forces and we got back together a year later with the hope of a fresh start. 2 Months into our fresh start i was pregnant again with DD2 (she was planned).
DD2 was born, very ill and i was very stressed and probably not the nicest of people to him for a while, i was very argumentative and tearful all the time. It wasnt long before he started hitting me again. I ended up in a mental health unit when DD2 was 8months old with severe PND and he convinced everyone around me that everyhting i had told them about what had gone on was a 'fabrication' and i was more to be pitied than blamed. I felt i needed him so much more, and that despite our problems he was my rock.
When i went back to work after being ill he was brilliant, we got on like never before and i was convinced we were over our troubles. Then in 2009 i fell pregnant again unexpectedly with DD3. He broke my wrist when i was 9 weeks gone because i turned his computer off during a row becuase wanted him to pay attention to me not the pc.
I phoned the police and he was arrested and cautioned for assault and battery.
I felt so awful for taking my daughters father away from them, and so low as i couldnt work for 6 weeks that i took him back. We needed to move before DD3 was born and finally the papers were signed and 4 weeks before my due date we moved into our new home. DD3 was born the next day - very ill with Congenital Pneumonia(sp?) and in SCBU for 2wks.
Finally we came home, and i was closely monitored to make sure i didnt fall ill again ( touch wood so far).
And now dd is 8 months old and he has become a total monster. I honestly do not know what to do.
He is constantly aggressive toward me, he spends every waking hour on the pc, and gets angry withour daughters when they are crying or just being noisy children(playing etc).
He doesnt like me going out apart from to work, and constantly calls me fat, tells me im lazy, scum, insane, worthless, that i dont care about his feelings and that iv ruined his life from the day he met me
I try so hard to be a good wife, i cook, clean etc everything i should do, i try to make him feel loved, and wanted, i try not to nag him or get on at him about the pc, but its just not enough and i do not know where im going wrong.
All i want is the man i met back, this person he is nowseems to have so much hate for me, and i love him so deeply.
I want my children to grow up in a happy home and i know this is not good for them, the constant rows, i just feel so much despair this situation is making me feel physically sick all the time and i just want to be happy.
Why does he hate me so much?? I know im young and inexperienced compared to him, and i know he has been through so much with me but this just isnt what wanted out of our life together.
AIBU to not see why he is behaving this way?