How do I get my DH to stop sneaking around smoking spliffs? Help?

[nicnac73]

Married for 4 years. Beautiful 11 month old DS. DH whom I love to bits, can't seem to give up the cannabis. We met quite late in life (me now 36, him 40). He had always been quite a heavy smoker, in the pub all the time etc. He gave up smoking cigarettes a few months after we met by reading Alan Carr, but kept on with the cannabis, sometimes in front of me and sometimes behind my back. Caught him in the garage having one before work on a Monday morning once. I did it a bit at Uni but never bought it and can't see the persistent appeal.

Now we have DS can't get my head round why he would want to bother, it seems so childish and uneccessary. We want to have another child but DH is not in good shape physically and I worry about the health implications and the effect of the constant sneaking around and lying and the loss of trust and what that means for our relationship. He keeps getting busted (by me) and then promising never to do it again but eventually I catch him again. Last night was another one of those incidents. He has also been driving our car after having smoked with DS in it.

I don't know which way to turn. I know he needs professional help but this is so alien to my nice middle class world I don't know where to find it and am frightened of the exposure. I think I need help too, can't keep burying head in the sand.

I would give him an ultimatum and stick to it.

I agree with the other posters. He isnt going to change. You either live with it ( I wouldnt) or give him an ultimatum and leave when he doesnt stick to it.

Sew his lips together. [evil grin]

Er you accept him smoking then driving???

Are you aware of what can happen ( and indeed does)

I think you need to realise that this is who you chose to have a relationship with. Why the big rush to change him?

If you really were anti cannabis you'd have never had a DC with him in the first place.

first stop treating him like a child and accept that he wants to smoke cannabis. Then he won't have to sneak around behind your back.

I think its a bit unfair to say people don't change, In my experience they can and do for a variety of reasons, but almost always their own not because someone disapproves"

I think there are 2 issues

1. you don't approve of it
2. the safety concerns regarding your son and him driving.

The second one, personally I think is a major problem.

Would you be OK if he asked you to stop having that odd glass of wine? Or stop eating that bar of chocolate? He might say its not good for your health.

I think the issue of sneaking/ lying is an issue because you have laid it down you don't want him to do it.full stop. How many times on here have I seen mums saying they are going to have a "sneaky ciggie" secrecy in indulging these sorts of desires quite normal I think!

Does he self medicate ie have problems sleeping/ nightmares? Does he have an abusive childhood? Persistent weed smokers I know of started in thier teen years to blot out the hell they experienced.

I have known many weed smokers in my time, however they have all held down great jobs and managed to cope with life quite well. I certainly dont think they are incompatible per se...

Just a few ideas to throw out there,

Love from 1foot

Imo cannabis is like alcohol in this case specifically he should not be smoking it in the morning and defo not driving after.
Also if he is rolling his joints with tobacco then he's still addicted to nicotine and therefore I'd say the joint he had in the morning he probably wanted for the nicotine not the cannaboids (or whatever the chemical you get from it is called).
I know that it is illegal and that's probably why you have a problem with it.
You will have to talk to him about it all and find a compromise otherwise you are encouraging him to be sneaky.

Am not going to tell you what to do but just to point out one thing......he has swopped one addiction for another.

I know LOADS of people who gave up smoking normal fags because of health risks and kept on smoking spliff.......their use of spliff expanded hugely as they have replaced the tobacco addiction with dope, or (if he uses tobacco in making his spliffs) its his way of continuing to smoke fags whilst telling himself he doesn't "really" smoke fags now.

In my opinion, it sounds like he has substituted a fag addiction with a huge uptake in spliff........not that I am speaking from personal experience of course.......

I am not condoning him getting stoned and driving your kid in the car, just wanted to point something to you to help in so deciding what/how to deal with it.

Good luck.

It's same as drinking and driving........ He has no regard for your childs life. Have seen the effects of driving whilst this stuff is in someones system. Plus he'll lose his licence if caught

I totally empathise with you - when DH and I got together and got married, I knew he had smoked it in the past but he wasn't actively smoking it, so it wasn't a problem. About a year into the marriage he started it up again in secret, I kept catching him, he kept promising to stop... he didn't drive so that was never an issue. When we got pg with DD2 (I have 2 children from a previous marriage), he promised to give it up, but never did. He has mental health issues and it made all his symptoms much worse.

This time last year, I had enough - I gave him an ultimatum and ended up having to throw him out. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I did it somehow. My sanity was on the verge of being destroyed and I myself had issues with depression etc. He stayed away for just over a month and we managed to rebuild our lives. He has given up for a year now and not a day goes by where I don't appreciate the fact that the stuff isn't anywhere near the house and he is not high.

Where is he getting it from? I would try to find out so you can be aware of it and communicate that he shouldn't be socialising with certain people. As far as the driving goes, if you think he is stoned, don't let him have the keys, or ring the police.

Sadly, he needs to get to the point where he recognises he needs to stop, you can't do it for him. But you can protect yourself and your DC's - you have the choice not to have him stoned around you, that's really not much to ask is it?

This thread is fantastic: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/752290-SUPPORT-THREAD-FOR-PARTNERS-OF-ADDICTS-PART-2

how much money is spent on this crap???

He isn't going to stop and you can't force him to, it's his body, his choice and something he has done for years.

It's entirely reasonable for you to expect him not to drive with your child in the car following smoking.

Unfortunately, your desire to control his behaviour has led to him feeling the need to deceive. Could you trust him not to drive your child after smoking now?

Due to your negative (as is your right) reaction to smoking, he is likely to believe your opinion to be based in reasoning he sees as irrational, which will undermine your issue wrt driving, leading to him not taking your concern seriously.

I'd ease up on him smoking in his own time unless it's causing adverse effects which you have to live with but absolutely put my foot down over the driving thing - you have a right and responsibility to seek a safe environment for your child so this really is an issue apart.

Thanks guys for the mostly useful advice, some of it a bit glib but I know all heartfelt.

Indeed I think the swapping one addiction for another observation has hit the nail on the head.

Apart from the driving issue which obviously distresses me it is the health implications of smoking filterless tabacco when my DH is overweight a bit unfit and not getting any younger and we have a young child to bring up into adulthood. Cannabis is not a take it or leave occasional party thing for him as it can be for other people, neither is he perpetually stoned but its just regular and low level.

He gets it from three friends and I've thought about calling them and asking them nicely to desist. from what I can tell its just a tenner here and there but we are not exactly flushed with cash. I slog at a full time job.

I'm going to check out the support thread. thanks

Nicnac: what you're still not getting is that you do not own your DH and you do not have the right to tell him what to do with his own body. The safety issue (driving while stoned) is another matter, but otherwise your behaviour is excessively controlling. It's not up to you to forbid him to see his friends, or phone them up and tell them off, either.

He is an adult and is free to make his own decisions.

You can also make your own decisions - either you have him in your and your son's lives, drugs and all. Or you don't. Or you work together to help him quit his addiction, but that will be dependent on whether he wants to quit or not.

AdFam may help

You need to decide what you want.

You can't stop him smoking. He is a grown man and he can make his own decisions. You cannot call his friends and tell them what to do, as you have no control over them either, the thought that you would do that is just bizarre.

You just need to decide if you want to be with a smoker or not. You are the one who has changed, you both used to smoke (whether you bought it or not doesn't matter). It's ok to change, but you need to readjust your expectations accordingly.

If you can live with it, then do so. If you can't then don't.

DO NOT let him drive your DS around after he has been smoking. This is insane and if you let him then you need help, IMO.