He has my children

[VictoriasLittleKnownSecret]

Married for over 20 yrs. Long history of unhappiness in the marriage. Finally escaped last yr. Amicable divorce and settled finances. All done and dusted. Result I thought ...I can now start to live

Whilst married he took no role in the house, didn't parent, didn't do housework, didn't feel financially responsible (jacked in jobs on a whim regardless of whether we could afford it), I was main wage earner and he spent on what he wanted whilst I scrimped and saved endlessly only to have said savings wiped out on his Stella Artois addiction. I was so exhausted being a housewife, parent and working full time I couldn't really tackle this and he had also worn me down enough to believe I was the problem.

Physically violent but not often and not badly (yes I do know how silly that qualification is but they get you so you feel apologetic for admitting that you stayed whilst also at the same time feeling apologetic that you're painting a very bad picture of them)

Anyway I started dating this year. XH has reacted very badly. Our previously amicable divorce is now very hostile. He has ramped up the pressure on me to stop dating with persistent phone calls, texts, e-mails and face to face stuff. He alternates Mr Nice Guy with Mr Angry.

I have put repeated measures in place to create boundaries around what is acceptable contact with me. He agrees to them all. Then ignores them.
(Lots more stuff but this post will be epic anyway...)

The police were called a fortnight ago because he was in the house refusing to leave and haranguing me about new boyfriend demanding I stop. 7 yr old in bed listening to it all. I asked him to leave and warned him repeatedly I would call the police so he said go on then.......and I did.

He is now not allowed to come to the house and knows I will dial 999. (That was police advice along with change locks because he has refused to return his key)

I told him I cannot take phone calls either - mainly because he says one thing and does another and also because they were at all times of day and frequent and I never knew whether it was going to be abusive/reasonable. I might sound like I'm obstructing him but..... he has had free access to DC and free access to the house. I put measures in place just to deal with his unreasonable (IMO) contact.

Anyway he is now talking to the DC extensively and involving them. So I had them coming back and explaining to me his demands and he'd ring them (2 or 3 times in the morning and 2 or 3 times in the evening) and be talking to me through them (insisting on being put on speaker phone)

Sometimes it was innocous contact so I'd look silly refusing it.... 'what time is dad collecting us?' (Except that I know this issue had already been e-mailed/texted about 6 times already the previous day?????? and agreement had been reached) So I would answer and then another question until DC said why can't you just talk to him?

After the police incident the teens came home and were really upset and angry with me feeling that I am the agressor here. (They were on the phone to XH as they arrived home - he was telling them how I had humiliated him...)

I sat them down and told them everything.

One DC has reacted very angrily to all this and insists XH has right to come to 'his house' (It's not his house anymore) and contact me and has left home to live with him. She said I must stop pretending I'm some DV victim because he hasn't punched me for 8 years and there were extenuating circumstances

The other DC are distressed but wish to live with me and avoid being involved.

He decided to stop all maintenance until DC2 returns home. He can't just do that though because it's a court order. He has paid this months but is getting very persistent asking me to sort out the money for him (i.e. give him money). The issue I have is legally I don't have to. BUT he has my daughter and will be sobbing and claiming he is poor and it's my fault... (he possibly is struggling because his financial management is poor and he changed his job on the assumption I would be paying him maintenance when DC2 moved in with him) DC2 is bang in the middle of her GCSEs.

I have tried to start mediation but they want lots of money (nearly the monthly amount!!) for 1 hour of mediation and say they anticipate nothing being resolved in one meeting. They are also very very slow in even getting to discuss when we could start it.

So I offered (in desperation) the chance to negotiate by e-mail. My only stipulation was that he stopped involving the children and dragging them into it. We discuss and agree and they don't have to share the 'fight'

He has refused to not involve them.

So where do I go now?

Have you had any help from anywhere? Have your dc's had any kind of counselling?

The police were going to ask DV unit to contact me (they haven't and that was a fortnight ago)

I phoned social services childrens service for advice and lovely lovely woman has listened. We referred DC2 for counselling 10 days ago - she is still waiting to be contacted though. DC2 agreed to this referral and is easgerly awaiting it

Unless my children are in immediate danger of violence there is not a lot of support.

They are in danger of emotional manipulation but I can only be part of that if I try and help (IYSWIM)

The mediators ne lot have not responded to mail for help - the other is a solicitor and her secretary has sent 3 letters each ignoring my request for costs/prediction of timescale and asking for more personal information per letter to avoid 'conflict' ??? and the third has a website listing prices at £200 per hour. XH won't pay so I would have to.

I don't know what to do

I am on the verge of just paying him to stop him manipulating my DC2

no victoria. don't pay him. I don't think that will stop him in the long run and may in future have undesired effects. he'll think that he can manipulate you using dc.

I don't know much about these matters but sort of bumping for others to help.

This sounds like Parental Alienation Syndrome - something I think the courts don't look too kindly on. It sounds like you're being the reasonable one here - no, he does not have a right to come 'home', especially if you were the one that paid for it, and need somewhere to have the DC's.
Don't pay him - he'll still manipulate DC if he can anyway, and it's not going to make any difference.
Try the Children's Legal Centre - they really helped me the other day. I got referred through Parentline and both were fantastic.
I wish you all the best in this very difficult situation.

Ok, chase the DV unit up, and try to find a number for the community safety people, local authority website may be a place to look.

Check out the local surestart or children's centre's, and also for you, the "freedom programme".

I did the freedom programme at the surestart centre. It was a great hub to get other help.

In my case, the nurse practitioner at my health centre has been amazing. She has sorted my therapy and I have a children's worker coming in Tuesday. Also, the schools have been brilliant, they have specialists who can help...if they know what's going on

Get the phone book out and rally the troops....quick before the cuts!
At the moment there is TONS of help out there....make sure you access as much as you possibly can. It's very empowering, and your children could learn an awful lot about relationships, and how to help themselves should they need to in their lives.

What a nightmare for you. I agree that you shouldn't pay him - once you do that he will move onto the next form of blackmail.

Although hard to deal with at the moment your DC will eventually see what is really going on here. Hard, I know, but give them time. Using the children as he is, is unforgivable.

You have every right to date, every right to have peace in your home and every right to refuse abusive contact with him.

I would urge you to contact the people HobbitMama has suggested.

Stay strong - you are a good mum and doing your best for your children.

Women's Aid are AMAZING too. Have you spoken to them?

Not sure how the manic smile got in my last post.

I feel over whelmed. I'm looking into all options suggested right now

Most seem able to deal with emergency issue but the longer insidious emotional harm being done to my DC is harder to sort

His immediate issue is money. I feel like giving him it to give myself space.

I think this weekend he will really work on my DC2 unless I do

I know it's wrong to give him money but he has her.

Womens Aid had answering service and put me on hold before eventually saying they were sorry but too busy to take calls. They will ring me back but I could be in a situation where I could not speak so have not left my number

She's coming up to 16. ? Don't give him the money...... Reduce it, then give it to her instead, she a sensible type I assume? If you think it will go on drink then she will soon see him for what he is

You are being more than reasonable - but being reasonable will not stop him abusing/manipulating the kids.

If the children are old enough, they will see in time that his motive is purely selfish. Hard on you I know but kids aren't that stupid.

A friend of mine was a single parent - she worked sooo hard alone to ensure her dd was brought up the best she could - then ho hum at 15 daddy comes along bad mouths the mum and she decided to live with daddy - she gave up her education to work in a fast food restaurant and it took her two years to realise her new family were in fact sponging off her.

She's now back with mum. Mum went through hell and so did the daughter in that she delayed her life on a promise of the father. He was just using her to get back at the mum.

Get on to women's aid - they may be able to advise how best to handle your children during this difficult time.

Don't give him money - it won't stop the abuse.

DV police also had answer machine
I left number with them and then with WA

WA rang back and advised. I don't have a local branch but I am getting in touch with one a couple of hours away for advice.

The advice seems to be give him no more money... bide my time and offer DC2 love when she is ready.

Am so sorry this is happening to you, if it's any help at all I was in the situation your DC2 is in now and 15 years later I have no contact with my father, saw him for what he is and a relationship of sort with my mother.
Where she went wrong was to stop contact which I am sure you won't do, but she couldn't take the rows I guess so she gave up.
Be strong your daughter needs you even if she thinks she doesn't.

contact Relate for counselling for the children - they do children and/or family counselling which may help your situation

Thank you
This is so hard.

In addition to the advice above - mediation - there's no point in spending good money on it in your scenario:

a) he's abusive and will take no notice of anything agreed
b) He'll go to it to waste your time and money
c) he's abusive
d) he will take no notice of anything agreed

But you know this, and you're trying your best to be reasonable and sort things out. Unfortunately, that's not how it works with someone like your XH - you have to lock them down via court orders / supervised contact.

Also, I'd like to highlight the advice above from giveitago and thisishowifeel - spot on.

The DC's schools should be able to point you and them in the direction of counselling / support.

I take it the maintenace is paid drirectly and not through the CSA Victoria? As I'm arranging maintenace through the CSA right now with my soon to be Ex H. And the amount varies on if the children live with you or with the father. But I'm only entitled to 20% of his earnings per month but if he wants to give me more privately they said he can. IYSWIM? But the solicitor arranging the divorce said she felt it was better to avoud future arguements if it all went through the CSA. Reading your thread makes me think so

It maybe worth doing it through the CSA and making the finances arranged through that instead if it helps?

But I'm no where near as wise as some on this thread. Just a thought? But I know you do not necessarily get as much through the CSA as a private arrangement.

I would agree that mediation, in this instance, would be a complete waste of time and money, and could actually cause you even more distress when he takes no notice of anything agreed.

You need to batten down the hatches emotionally iyswim.

Anything that can go through and official third party, should.

You are right...it is incredibly hard. But you are doing it, and in the end your children will know that in terms of love, actions really do speak louder than words.

What a tough situation for you.

I agree do not give him the money, perhaps give your DD some for school lunches or something but what else would he need cash for her for? She is not going to need clothes immediately, he should be buying and cooking himself an evening meal anyway, heating should be on for him anyway if needed, etc etc.

Mediation - I wouldn't even go there, it is a BAD idea when one party is abusive and manipulative, you will just be wasting your own time and money.

When you get in touch with your nearest WA, ask them if they know of a good local family solicitor, sounds like the one you contacted wants to start the ball rolling before you get your head around the costs involved, bit sly really.

My sis did all this with my mum and she was devastated, there are 3of us dcs too and not one of us is now in contact with our 'father' - I agree with the other poster who is saying they will see him for what he is eventually.

Keep lines of communication open with your DD tell her you love her and she is welcome home anytime. Refuse to discuss your ex in a he said she said way, and keep all contact with your ex to written communication only.