I don't know what to do.

[isloveenough]

Ok, I'm not a parent yet, but use this site a lot. Have name changed for this.

I'm 23, DP is 44. We've been together 7 years (yesterday).

Everything was wonderful for ages, despite the age gap. It really was. But recently, I just feel completely unhappy and stressed.

DP drinks a lot, and seems recently to rely on it more. He drinks after work, and nowadays he doesn't call me or answer my calls, he just strolls in whenever he's finished in the pub. I think that he should at least let me know if he's not going to be home until 9/10. He says I'm trying to control his life/I'm telling him what to do.

Yesterday (our anniversary) I cooked a nice meal and bought him a lovely card. Nothing from him, not a phone call, a text, a card, a cuddle... He said that to make up for it he would take me out for a meal tonight. Well he's just arrived home, drunk, I've been calling him all night. He says that he didn't say that and that I'm attention seeking because I was crying.

I feel insignificant, worthless, pointless to him. But I love him. I can't help it, I just love him. I feel like he might change one day and be like he was before.

Is love enough? Surely if I love him, then it's worth it? He says he loves me, and that he shouldn't have to keep saying/showing it. I should just know.

I've never told anyone how I feel. I guess just writing it down is a huge thing. Any advice would be really appreciated.

Bumping
Are you really in love with him or are you used to him, i'd say leave him (if only for a little while) to find out what you really want to do.

He sounds horrible!

Wait, you met when you were 16 and he was 37?
And you're looking after him?

FFS leave him brfore you have kids.

Oh dear. So sorry for you. He needs to seek help. If he is not willing to do so, you need to end it now, even if it's only temporarily.

It's utterly miserable when someone would rather drink to excess the whole time than spend time with the person they purport to love. No, love isn't enough. Not if he refuses to acknowledge that there's a problem. Certainly not if you are already at the stage where he is gaslighting you.

You are not insignificant and pointless, but he is clearly doing a good job of making you think you are. I honestly think you would be better off out of there.

"Wait, you met when you were 16 and he was 37?
And you're looking after him?

FFS leave him brfore you have kids."

I agree with this.

Why would a 37 year old grown man want to date a 16 year old teen?

Cranky, thanks for saying what I wanted to say but was trying to be nice.

IME older blokes date younger girls to look nice and because the girls have little experience the men can shape them into how they want the partner to behave iykwim

"He says I'm trying to control his life/I'm telling him what to do."

That's his twisted view of you wanting to be treated like an equal human being. As a 37 year old man he probably got no challenge from you as a 16 year old. Now you have matured, he can't handle being with a grown up.

It's unlikely he will ever be able to treat you as an equal. You have a long life ahead of you, don't spend it waiting around for a man who never existed to return.

thanks all. i accidently posted this twice, and both posts' replies say the same. i should leave.

it's all so hard. i do love him, and i'm worried that i'll be more unhappy without him than with him

also, i worry about what i'll do - where could i go? what if it's a mistake? what if he does something stupid to gt me back (he has talked about this before). i'm quite close to some of his family and i'm worried about that too.

it just seems so sad after so long together. but i just can't make it work. i can't make him want me more than a pint at the pub.

he says all the right things when we talk, but no action. what do i say to him? what do i say to his family? my family? our friends?

When you say you don't know what to do to you really feel ready to do something?

You are still very young, you have grown up with this man and it appears he thinks he can live the single life while have a nice young shag at home when he wants.

You deserve so much better.

fab! that is exactly what i said to him last night..i said if you want to live the single life, then be single.

It would be easier if he left me. I have no idea why. I guess, just because then i wouldn't feel guilty and it wouldn't be my choice, so i would know i could never regret it.

God, i sound so weak. Really i'm not, apart from with him.

There you are then.

Strong woman but on your own for a bit.

Weak woman with this twat.

Tough choice?

shit. this is getting really real. i think i can do it.

but where would i go...i need to plan that first.

thanks so much all. i can't talk to anyone in RL about this.

Don't feel guilty for leaving him, you have done your best but relationships are about give and take, he should feel guilty for all the taking. You have given him enough chances.
I don't think that he really would hurt himself if you left that is probably emotional blackmail.
His family, especially the female members are probably wondering why you are still with him so it probably won't be a shock to them when they learn that you have left.
Please don't go back. A pint of beer costs £2!

Do you work?
Can you move back in to your parents house?

What has the price of beer got to do with anything?

the op said earlier that she can't make him want her more than a pint

Still not relevant to me.

i do work, yes. couldn't move back with parents.

i could save up and move out, though would be more expensive than living here. i do pay half of everything at the moment. it'll just take time.

a plan is forming. a new life. this time yesterday i had none of this clarity. thank you all.

He probably wanted someone to control and a teenager is much more malleable than a grown woman.
Sweetie, you are a teensy bit older than my daughter and your partner is the same age as my husband, that age gap is wrong on so many levels.
For god's sake get rid of him, don't even contemplate children with this loser.

So the issues are...

• Where to go
• What to tell people
• What if you are making a mistake
• How to deal with his family that you are close to

As you pay half of things now, you must be able to afford to rent something on your own. I think you should get out as soon as possible. I worry that the saving up plan is a delaying tactic, will take too long, and will give him a chance to give you the flannel again and convince you to change your mind.

Tell people that he is an alcoholic who put alcohol ahead of you. Tell them that he made you feel unhappy and neither told you nor showed you that he loved you. Tell the truth.

You are not making a mistake. Sadly he is the biggest relationship of your life SO FAR. There will be other big ones that will blow you away, and you will not have to take on the baggage of alcoholism with them. The man you love is no longer there, the relationship you are after with this man is now in your head, it is gone and will not come back.

As for the family...well if they really like you they should understand when you tell them the truth. Their affection for you is not dependent on you being willing to be a doormat for their son/brother.

Have you considered ringing alcoholics anonymous to talk about his behaviour, or see if they have any information for you?

thanks e3chick. those are the issues. it's good to see them put in bullet points like that. Your advice is great. Amazing that I hadn't even considered telling people the truth. Why I am trying to protect him!?

Saving up is necessary though, unfortunately. At the moment, as well as my own direct debits, i pay £350 towards his mortgage, £35 for the phone/internet, I buy the food/household things. I've been looking at places to rent round here, and one bedroom places are about £500, and they need a months in advance etc. Hopefully it won't take too long to save up. I've been taking on extra work at the moment, so that will all help.

Hadn't considered Alcoholics Anonymous. I might look them up. Thank you

You're so young, you've got the rest of your life ahead of you.

It might be a bit bumpy now but if you decide you want a better life then get your finances sorted and leave. Stay at a friends, rent a room until you have your own place.

You don't have to explain yourself to his family, if you don't want to tell them what he's like then just say 'it didn't work out'. Don't get into the trap of discussing his bad points with them. Been there, done that, doesn't help you one bit and there could be backlash.

If he's threatening to do bad stuff if you leave then that is usually a lot of hot air to give you a guilt trip. He really should have listened to you before. It's his problem he didn't.

Asking him to respect you and your relationship is not controlling. That's just man talk for 'let me do what I want'.

Could be he realises his mistakes then does actually change, but he has to prove this to you first.

Good luck for the future and no doubt you will be fine.