after all this time it still hits me like a tonne of bricks :-(

[maristella]

i split up with my partner 3 years ago, we weren't even together for 3 years, so i should be over it by now.
but sometimes it hits me like a tonne of bricks, that i doubt i will ever have that much love in a relationship again, and that i miss him.
we were so in love. i know it sounds really corny (not like me at all!) but within a few weeks i understood that whole soulmate palaver. i had only ever dreamed of being in such a magical relationship.
but there were 2 sides to him; one side of him was so utterly beautiful. he was loving and funny and would do anything for me and ds. the other side was jealous, challenging and was always trying to catch me out = he was very abusive. he would play horrible games with me and play on my vulnerabilities (my love and trust for him) all the time.
when he was in abusive mode i was terrified of him, and quite right too.
but every now and then i think about the other side of him. mostly i know and accept that there are 2 sides to him, you cannot have one without the other.
but tonight for some unknown reason i am hurting because i miss the lovely person i know that he could be i'm in tears now
throughout our relationship, which was marked with the negative effects of his insecurities i would often secretly wish he would leave me and come back to me having really sorted himself out. i'm thinking that again tonight, but i know from a mutual friend that he definitely has no sorted his head out.
any link with him is not an option; being emotionally and occasionally physically abusive there is no return. but i feel really sad; we had something so powerful that he did not know how to cherish, and although i work in a role in which i support people and give direction it is not something i can do at home. it's not up to me to fix someone from home.
sorry for the essay, i feel really surprised by my feelings after all this time

Oh maristella, he got you good, didn't he

YES, I know every feeling you described. I had them for seven years: longer than we were married. All those doubts about "what we might have been"; all the LOVELY things other people said about him, making me wonder if he was right after all - it was my fault we went so wrong; all the NICE surprises; his beautiful smile; all the times I wailed "I don't understand you!" and believed that meant I was flawed ... all the self-doubt, all the self-doubt.

When I met him, I wasn't insecure.

I hope you've already read this page. Read it again. Your ex will be in there, I suspect, just as mine is. It's the best description of emotional abuse I have ever read, and it cured me.
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

Duh!
www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

I think maybe you are still more affected by the abuse you suffered in the relationship? The way the abuser is with you when they are being loving, funny or whatever can feel like the most intense loving relationship you have ever had but this is exactly what keeps you there for so long despite the awfull way they treet you for the rest of the time.

I have been there and am shocked at what I put up with for so long and how I still have so many sad nostalgic feelings for the good times we had together even though more half the time he was extreemly conroling and emotionaly abusive.

Grace, thank you.
i took my time (a lot of time!) reading the link, it hit a few raw nerves on the way.

the absolute shock that i could not read his mind.

using his vulnerabilities to disarm me.

the flirting. he would be so struck by random women that he would meet; this would be right in front of my eyes, and he would refuse to speak to me for an entire evening because he would be speaking to xx, who he would later declare was just so wonderful.

the obsessive behaviour/the flirting. he was obsessed with a couple of other women. these women were used to punish me for my imperfections.

his ability to wind me up before we went out, all the while topping up my glass. i made a fool out of myself more times than i would like to remember. and so many people said i was so mean to him.

the adoration he received from my friends and family, and some of them still express their doubt in me over my decision to be free from him to this day.

the rug-yanking. nothing messed me up more. it was such an effective display of the power he had.

WWWD i had let go of so much anger and resentment. i had reached the point of understanding and acceptance, which i think has left me vulnerable all over again. i think i need to feel some anger and disgust towards him.

emotionally i was so young when we met, i think he was drawn to my tendency to question and criticise myself and my potential to adore him without question.
bloody hell, i have come so far since him. i just don't understand why now

< i think i need to feel some anger and disgust towards him. >

This is what the Heartless Bitch did for me. After reading it - and copying it into Word, and highlighting all the parts that kicked me in the guts - I stopped feeling "I should/could have tried harder." I stopped making excuses for him. I finally saw that evrything he did - everything - was calculated to push me off balance & make me his thing. And that my tendency to try harder is what he used against me.

Not but

The very few mutual friends we have left fall into two camps: those who believe I was the irrational lunatic he described on the divorce petition (but am getting better, thanks to therapy), and those who see me as vulnerable & misguided. Now I know that they are the misguided ones; they're still trapped in his shitty, arrogant, manipulative web of lies.

He once asked me what 'Machiavellian' meant. I explained, then asked who'd called him that. Quite a few people, it turned out I bought him a modern translation of the book (he was, apparently, too thick to read the traditional version, which was on our bookshelves) and he said he found it inspiring.

Pushing your buttons, then getting you drunk so you'd flip: check.
More than once a week.

Focussing on one woman for the whole night: check.
Mine used to disappear with them for hours - don't know how he engineered that; he can't have shagged them all! He didn't do it because of them, he did it to twist his dagger in my back: he used them to use me.

Pulling the rug: check.
Couples-invited award nights, I'm on the invite; suddenly he's going with a female client, very important to her, shame for wifey with her new dress & hairdo. I gatecrashed one of them. The woman he was 'with' told me he'd asked her on a last-minute cancellation - and she didn't know he was married Dozy me, I still didn't tell her I was the non-existent wife & cancellation.
Important work-related night, which I co-hosted; got down to the dance floor after my official duties to find a mutual 'friend' giving him a private dance (clothed, but the dance was deliberate - as was the timing, I now realise.)

The adoration: check.
Adoration from his own family, and the friends. My lot, being dysfunctional, marked him down as "nice enough but a bit thick". Well, they were half right!

Get ANGRY, woman - he did it on purpose.
Maybe you should hop over to the NPD thread for a look-in. No, we didn't all love the same man. It's just that they all do the same things.

It's partly the fact that this type of abuser does it deliberately - when he's in 'nice' mode it's intensely romantic and passionate blah blah blah, he's actually moving in fast to rush and confuse you. Because, hey, we're all still constantly told that 'love' is an irresistible outside force.
Also, it's the contrast thing - when he's being shitty it;s awful so when he's being nice it's liike a lifesaver.

Do read up on all the links you've been offered. For one thing, it will stop you making a similar mistake again (when you know how a con works you are protected from it) by deciding that nice men are 'boring' and therefore seeking out an 'exciting' relationship which is basically alternating highs and lows... and slowly but steadily the lows get worse and the highs less frequent.

Grace, that's a brilliant article - thanks for posting the link.

Maristella - it's natural to feel lonely if you aren't with someone at the moment - and it's natural to reflect on the recent past example of happy times, even if they were only part of a pattern of abuse.

The thing to focus on for you is that this 'man' did not love you. The outward expression that felt like love to you was purely a tool for sucking you into his clutches. All the nice things were only done with one end in mind - to make you dependent on him and him alone.

To truly break free of this 'man' and his abuse, you must realise that he never loved you and that it was all an evil game. While you are still sucked into his game in any fashion, the abuse is continuing, sadly, even without him being there.

And if you can do that without finding another partner, so much the better - some people find it very difficult to "move on" until they have a new love interest; but for your own emotional health it is better to move on without a new man - the only real focus you should have is yourself. You know yourself the best of anyone (never let anyone tell you otherwise) and you are capable of loving yourself far more than anyone else. Once you are solid in loving yourself, your outward projection will change subtly and you may find a man who will also love you as much as you do.

Best of luck!

what a beautiful reply, thumbwitch

Spot on, thumbwitch. I was just about to post on part of what you said. All of the OP's ex's behaviour was abusive. All of it; the seemingly good bits were all a part of his nasty, manipulating self.

Look after yourself, maristella.

"we had something so powerful that he did not know how to cherish" - no, you had something so powerful, a strong love inside you which you gave to him. He didn't have that capability himself, as the others are rightly pointing out. He held up a mirror to your best side and you thought it was him. He exploited it, abused it, and is still getting in the way of you giving it elsewhere. That's why you need to work on yourself. You need to get your love back from the slimy bugger. He doesn't have a right to it.

Have you ever fallen in love with a romantic lead on the big screen? The guy that really knows how to treat a woman (damn her for being so beautiful, and how come her mascara never runs?). He's strong, tender, he gazes into her eyes just right, he fights crocodiles with his bare hands, he saves the world for her. But you know perfectly well at the end of each day's shooting he turns back into a vain alcoholic who shags anything that holds still long enough and is rude to the make-up girl. You're in love with the star, not the real man. But for that couple of hours in the cinema he was real.

That's your abusive guy. He's read the script on how to be adorable. Selling the dream is his stock in trade. It's not who he really is.

thank you so much, all of you for your replies. i'm sorry for having gone quiet but rest assured i was digesting the wonderful advice and support that you have given me.
you were all so right in so many ways.
Annie you were spot on in that i had that ability to love, and that he abused it.
Thumb you are so right that he did not love me, he doesn't know how to love. he needed me, he needed my adoration to make himself feel better, and he needed my vulnerability in order to feel like he has some control and also to test my love for him. you are also right in that recovery is absolutely best alone. i have had a couple of very short term relationships since him; they failed as i soon realised that i was on the rebound. i'm also at an age where i know quite quickly whether a relationship has a future or not, and my experience of abusive relationships has helped!
Grace you were so right about excusing behaviours. whether he made a mess of the relationship because that's what he enjoys, ot because he's a lost soul is totally irrelevent, and is no longer my problem.
SGB and Echt there was such a calculating, cold side to him; and he really enjoyed the power that messing with my head gave him. it's such fucking textbook emotional abuse, which also became physical abuse the less i allowed him to play these games with me. the more i refused to participate in these ridiculous battles for control, the angrier he got. the stronger i became the harder he tried to weaken me.

Thank you all for nudging me back onto the right track i'm grateful that you took the time to give me support. this weekend has been a learning curve; abusers can only be kept at a safe distance if you do not relent of the disgust they deserve (hope that makes sense). since reading your replies every time i have thought of him, i have remembered how terrified i felt, how hopeless everything felt, how destructive is his mere presence. BASTARD

You go girl #cheer#

I just love your summary!
Welcome back

Hurrah Maristella! You're back on track and looks like you've got your head on the right way again - you'll be fine!

Maristella, I salute you for getting away from him

I understand how you are still haunted by him and his very successful (at the time) manipulation of you, though

My version of your story happened 25 years ago...and it still carries some power for me. Thankfully, now it is more along the lines of "how could I have been so stupid..."

But I still congratulate myself for resisting the lure of the chase...the chase to make someone love you (who never will), the attempts to "understand", the pathetic ways you change your behaviour to cling on...

Abusive men have a lot to answer for. The best revenge is to live well.

thank you AF, the best revenge is indeed to live well. also to be calm and content, as i generally have been, which is such a contrast to the horrible whirlwind in which i lived a few years ago. i have had blips since our (very nasty) break up, but none for a while. this really took me by surprise.
i don't feel very trusting any more. i see the insecurities in people quite quickly; before this relationship i would try to mend the person (young, yes. naive, yes) but now i see how it could negatively affect my life. i suppose trust issues are the long term issue after such a relationship. oh well, onwards and upwards
thank you guys again
AF i thought you had deserted us!

nah, mari, just been on me jollies