OMG - I've done it now!

[HobbitMama]

After many months (in fact, years) of discussions about how equal shared care was NOT working with the ex, and posting on AIBU about my family STILL doing his school runs, I've finally done it.
This week, supported by DH, I've talked to the Children's Legal Centre, who corroborated my internet research that he doesn't have parental responsibility, and written a long email outlining that I'm changing the informal agreement to every other weekend in term time, (flexible about what he wants to do with holidays,) but that unless he goes to get a Parental Responsibility Order and Contact Order, he's just going to have to suck it up. (Obviously worded in a professional manner.)
I am now shitting bricks though, that he's going to come round and axe down the front doors. (Not that that's very realistic!)
I think I've been sneaky by planning it all (and writing it all out) over the course of this week, and have only sent it tonight because I have the kids now for the weekend, and so things won't technically be different until Tuesday, but in all fairness, we've been arguing with him about this for years, and he would not accept that any other arrangement could work. I've also told him he needs to start paying maintenance - that he has a week to come up with a proposal or I go to the CSA. I know, I know, he should have been paying this since he left in 2005, but with shared care, there seemed little point.
Now it looks vindictive, although I've tried really REALLY hard to be objective and calm about it all.
I know I'm doing the best thing for the kids (DC1 is off to secondary in Sept, hence why I'm doing this NOW!) but it doesn't stop me from feeling shitty.
It's tantamount to saying 'Hey, I know you've been seeing our kids every other day for the last five years, but not only can you only see them every other weekend in term times now, but you're going to have to pay me shit loads of money too."
And yes, I've sent the email now, so it's too late, no going back - but does ANYONE have a kind word to bolster my shaking insides?

no...cos i guess he'll either fight...or...give up on the dc entirely!

sorry,dont know your story.

he'll prob end up with more contact than that if it goes to court,and get instan pr too

Oh bless you!

My dh gets to see his dd every weekend for 25 hours. They have sustained a good and fairly close relationship with this amount of contact since she was 2 years old, she is now 13. It is possible if your ex will spend proper time with his dc when he sees them.

I do get the impression you have let him bully you, or guilt trip you, or walk over you, or all three, for quite some time!

You are the opposite to dh's ex, who (when dsd was younger anyway) would take off on holiday for a few weeks without telling us, we would have to ring mutual friends asking 'where is dsd?' cos they wouldn't answer their mobiles.

Tbh she still gives us the shitty end of the stick whenever possible, but, meh, whatever.

If only we could somehow swap, I would be happy to have you as the exgf! You sound lovely.

Why drop it down to so little? Overnight alternate weekends, saturday days and one night in the week is what we do and it works fine

What will your kids think with now seeing him so little?

Fair enough if shared care isn't working then re think but I don't think you are being very fair to him or your children

thanks nemofish!

SoL - Although he's had them tues/thurs/every other weekend, we've been doing his school runs, organising and paying for all out of school clubs/childcare, he's never paid any maintenance, and the main problem has been that anything we send over there - clothes, book bags, lunch bags, club stuff, medicine, bedwetting alarm, etc. etc., takes weeks to come back, if it does at all. The week before last, ds wanted to stop a club - not a problem, I wasn't going to force him! But, it did mean that my mum, who has always done that school run for him, couldn't pick up ds as she has a regular hobby that finishes after he gets out of school. So, I suggested that the ex-p arranged and paid for the childcare club, or a childminder or a taxi. He told me to arrange it for him. SO, a bit annoyed, I did, but when I informed him, I got a random text saying not to annoy him or he was going to (falsely) report me to the DWP for tax credit fraud. (which I legitimately stopped claiming in 2009). Seeing as I'd been doing him a favour, I was somewhat surprised to suddenly be threatened like this! (No matter how preposterous it was!)
The point is, though, is that it's been hard enough for the DH, me and my mum to keep things running as smoothly as possible all this time, and it's going to get more tricky now both DC's are moving up to junior/secondary.
He refuses to see how DD having homework and clubs every day is going to be more demanding for her, and seems to want to be the 'fun' dad without actually doing any of the daily tasks of parenting.
Simply looking at the home situations is also a bit of a teller - Dh and I live with DC3 in a maisonette - DD has a huge room, DS1 shares with DS2 in another good-size room, both beautifully decorated and floored by DH for them.
Ex-p lives with his mum and dad, where they call the top 3 bedrooms their 'flat'. DS's room is the ex-toilet and the size of a cupboard. He's also a 'functional' cannabis user, and had an alcohol problem for four years after we split because he was shagging someone at work when we were due to get married.
Of course I'm expecting the kids to be upset, but it's for their stability and routine that we're doing this - not because of the history. (I'm completely over it and have been since meeting a real man in 2007!) Hope that clarifies a bit more - sorry to waffle, but as you can see, I'm not sleeping very well at the moment!

Just so you are aware- I had a similar situation with my ex. As I had always been generous with contact when we finally went to court they gave him same contact, not less as we (including ds had requested). We had wanted to alter it because of school related issues, but they said we couldn't do one thing for years then change it. He also gained parental responsibility at that point too. Sorry if this is frustrating- things may have changed but I just wanted to warn you.

Well I suppose he'll either accept less time with his children and having to pay you (the children) money. Or be prepared for an expensive court case where I'd have thought he had a good chance of getting his contact back. How would you feel if he had did this to you?

Would it be possible to tell him that if he doesn't arrange to pick te DC up from wherever or organise someone to do it, you will go and do it you'll take it to assume that he doesn't want contact that night so they will be staying at yours?

He does sound a bit deranged. How come he doesn't have parental responsibility, is his name on the birth certificate?

Lucky, I have said this to him before, that if he can't arrange childcare/ transportation then he shouldn't be having the kids.
LR - I'm sorry to hear about your case. Did your ex live with his parents work f/t, refuse to organise the school runs & not sort out equipment too?
PS - of course I would be livid if he'd done it to me, (except of course it wouldn't have been legal). We do know how drastic this is, but he's not actually looking after the children properly or considering what's best for them. I've always tried to help him see them, but my side of the family are having to run rings around him because he can't be an adult. Of course if he made sure things were passed back to us, that they had the right equipment on his days, that he checked ds's book bag (and did his Reading with him), kept a note of school events, went to plays & sports days, that dd's homework got done & her Reading signed for, it would be a completely different matter. I also have another dc to care for now, & we just don't see that his seeing the kids during the week justifies affecting the lives of other's so detrimentally.
I didn't post on AIBU because I didn't want flaming for this but support! But AI really B that U? Is 5 years not enough time to give someone to get their shit together?
(Sorry if this comes across the wrong way, came into hosp with heavy bleeding & suspected 13wk miscarriage yesterday - waiting for scan at 8am - typing from phone.)

So sorry for your situation/s.
I hope it works out for you.

Has he got a lot of money for lawyers?

I hope everything went OK with the scan.

I think, unless you actually stop doing things for him and getting your parents to do the school run then he will never do it. Tell him that he has to do it, get your Mum to turn up as well (without him knowing - just in case he does leave them in the lurch) and if he's not there she can take them home and you can reasonably say to the courts that he's not turning up or making arrangements for access visits.

At the moment he knows you'll do it (although this letter will bring things to a head I think) so he doesn't have to. I don't think you're being at all unreasonable with the letter, and feeling the way you do. I think people are just trying to warn you that the courts might not side with you. But if you get an official agreement drawn up and he regularly drops everything/doesn't bother then you have justification to go back and get the arrangement revised.