mother in law only interested in new baby.......

[littlelion]

I dont have a mother inlaw from hell but she does try to take over whatever the situation might be, and likes to always have her own way. DH and me had a baby boy 5wks ago and as I had a pretty awful pregnancy and then had a week of being induced we decided we would have the first week by ourselves. I had suffered with spd and was not very mobile, I could not even stand up and hold my ds in my arms and wanted to have some recovery time. Well, mil was not happy and was putting us under pressure to visit us sooner, but we stood firm. The day I came out of hospital we bumped into her and fil as we picked up a prescription on the way home so they did see their 1st granchild all be it only half an hour.
when they did visit us ds was crying alot as he had acid reflux so I soothed him as did dh, as soon as I left the room mil took ds from dh, I could not even look at her. I took ds upstairs to bed and soothed him for 2 hours til he slept through exhaustion.
We visited mil and fil one afternoon and as we were getting ds out of the car mil was trying to move me out of the way, needless to say I did not move, and because of acid reflux he was being sick so I sat down to settle him and clean him and mil was about to take him off me til I said that I was going to do this as other wise he would not settle down. Once he was ok I gave ds to mil for a cuddle, and I was then in the background for the rest of the time we were there.
the day before my birthday mil suggested visiting us to give me my card (this has not happened before) but we had plans to visit my mum that evening and my brother would also be there so said we would sort another day out. DH had to go and look at a job with his brother so he dropped me off at my mums and within five minutes mil and fil turned up!!! I was not happy as I thought it a bit rude to turn up unanounced, so I sat with my mum, fed ds, and when dh came back got ready to go home......its like mil didnt want to miss out on anything.
A few days later she asked if we wanted to go over to her place when it is dh birthday.....again this has never happened, dh said that we were going out for a meal.....and it would be just the three of us.

The more she pushes herself on us the more I will just move back a step, since she kicked up such a fuss when I came out of hospital that has made me feel just a little bit cheesed off as she was being selfish and not thinking of dh and me. I dont want to push her away as I loved my nan and always looked forward to seeing her and getting cuddles and I would like that for ds. My family are really easy going but mil is not, and so I find this hard to cope with......we have already had to sort out what we want to do for christmas as I am sure she will expect us to be there.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

You are right moondog, it is important for the children, my parents divorced when I was 5 and we did not get to see our dad or our dads parents the next time I saw them I was 23 at my dads funeral
We knew my mums parents and our nan was just the best, teaching us to knit, and embroider and always full of love and cuddles. Which makes me want this to work out good for mil and dh and me.

I am much better now thanks, spd is getting better, I cannot walk for very long, but at least I can walk, do not need wheelchair or walking frame anymore, and every day it gets easier

Springchicken, I think mil is like this full stop, she has to be good at everything, has to know everyones business, likes to tell her boys what to do even though they are in their late 30's, she even makes little stories up, eg, went to lunch when dh and me had just been together poss 6months and mil said 'my boys will never leave home, they've told me they dont want to' six months later dh moved in with me. Another example was when mil said that dh had told her that when/if we have children he would send me back to work and then drop the children at hers to look after in the morning!!!! dh and me agree its just her way of expressing her opinions and wishes. Basically she needs to feel she is in control of everything.

Will be popping over there later with dh, this will be the 5th time mil & fil will see ds in the 6wks since having him, and it is the same for my mum so am trying hard, and trying to be fair.

That spd thing sounds absolutely dreadful.

littlelion you sound VERY reasonable. i am sure you will weather this initial storm .
it took me till my third to get past being annoyed at mil
I went through that whole thing about not wanting her to spoil the kids, not wanting her to feed them rubbish, getting pissed off at at her for snitching ds's first picture from nursery ...
Now I have realised that I really appreciate her looking after them and being a big part of their life and I completely let her do things her way when they are at her house.

Hope you are settling into life with your new baby and feeling better too.

My mil has been pretty annoying since i have had my 2 children but i have to keep remembering that she is a kind hearted woman, just a bit suffocating in her attention to the kids.
my dh is an only child so i am her only hope of grandchildren so she just lavished all her attention on them (especially the first). to the point where i would be trying to feed him his food and she would just sit in front of him distracting him..i would go to pick him up and she would whisk him away. It really got to me as she just would not chill out and be normal. Then she would just look at me and go all mushy saying how special my ds was. My first one looks very like my dh when he was small and one day mil when to call him 'my son' (as in her's), it made me really angry but i realised that anything she said was going to get to me!!
she is quite an intense person but i try to remember that she has a good heart and means well. it is scary to think thhat your beautiful little child is blood related to someone who you don't really like that much!
another really silly thing was that i did not want my children to know my mil better than they knew my mum. it was so ridiculous as i should have been thinking of my children than me. my mum lives a fair way away whereas mil lives an hour away..my mum has 4 grandchildren so she has to spread herself more thinly.
i have just had ds2 a couple of weeks ago and my mil has been seriously talking about moving down to hove where we live. at first i was mortified at the thought but now i welcome it as having more than one child is quite a handful and i know she would help out if she was here. how selfish am i!!
hope everyone manages to find some middle grouond with their mils, as some of you have said, it is important that the children have loving grandparents.

Littlelion - soz to hear about ott MIL but did have wry smile of recognition I'm afraid! Sometimes she makes me want to scream and DH seems terrified of upsetting her so isn't v supportive. He says she's bonkers but that doesn't really help!!

When I'm moaning about her my mum reminds me that I'll be a MIL one day and that sort of helps me see where she might be coming from...doesn't stop me thinking 'old cow' at times though :O

My MIL never bothered with us until I got pregnant then Wham! Interfering controlling busy body she became. When ds was 6 weeks old she asked me if I fancied a baby free weekend, cos she wanted some quality time with Grandson. As you can imagine I said no. Why cant these MILs realise that the more pushy they are the less likely we are to co operate. I now find myself cutting my nose off to spite my face because I cant stand her getting her own way, but if she'd backed off a bit in the 1st place she wld have babysat a few times by now. DS is 16months old now and I havent let her babysit yet.

I had a very similar experience with my mil ds was born prem and i had been suffering with pre-eclampsia. When ds was born I held him for less then 5mins and then he was whisked away and put into an incubator on another ward I didnt see him aagin for another 4hrs where again i only held him for a short time and dh even less. Pils turned up unannounced completely ignoring my mum who obviously was the first person i wanted to visit me which then meant i had too many visitors as it was a special ward.My mum being laid back said she would go and get a drink.Mil made a beeline for ds who had only just been brought into me from the other ward and had her fingers poking in the chamber door of the incubator. Just before she went she said she would come up the next day and the day after that to bring up dh brothers and sisters little did i know that she had also arranged to bring up his gran and grandad in between as well. The ward only permits two visitors at a time.

Obvisously very annoyed that she turned up unannounced, ignoring my mum and then just thinking she could come and go as she pleased without asking first (she didnt visit me every day when i was ill in hosp) I then told dh i didnt want her to visit again until i was ready.I hadnt slept for 48hrs, i was learning to bf and was emotional so she was the last person i wanted to see. This apparently kicked off mayhem although i didnt know until mths after when a family friend let it slip. They then went into a sulk and refused to come and visit and my mil said to dh i want to come and visit when i can actually hold my own grandson, when dh explained the midwives had advised not to handle him too much because he needs to rest and to build himself up plus he had to say in his incubator (dh and i had hardly held him for the first few days and then only for me to bf and nappy changes) she said ive had 5 kidds what the f**k do the m/ws know. I had even asked my mum not to visit me just to keep it fair for this selfish women how stupid was i!

Not only that when i was pregnant mil said all the things she wouldnt do like come and visit us when we first come home from hospital or pestering us to babysit. Yeah right an hr after we get home dh gets a phone call saying they are coming around to see us. I was sooooooooo pissed off with dh that he said it was ok because they said they had a present to drop around what a bloody good excuse.

Since then my mil has got worse trying to get ds to say nana first. Always invading my space when i have ds or taking him off me. And passing him around to anyone except me even when hes crying.She also makes out how much he loves her and being around their house, eating her meals and playing with their toys. She acts as if she thinks he likes them more then us.

Those are just a few things to note. I havent said anything cus no matter what i say they will always believe they are right.I may be quiet when shes trying to enforce her opinions and so on but im noting it all down and do not easily forget.Any way ds has already said his first word which was mamma and has already shown me how much he loves me by giving me the first and most cuddles. Plus i am his mum and no-one can take away that role from me so bring it on bitch!!

My mil is an interfering old bag. She never had any interest in me b4 DS1 was born, in fact she used to introduce bump b4 me. The first and only time I spent time with her voluntarily on my own was just b4 xmas when i was xpectin my 1st. We were in town doin last minute shopping, and we saw her hairdresser, she stopped 2 spk 2 him and said pointing 2 my bump this is my grandchild, Oh and this is ---. I was fuming. when DS1 was a baby we had 2 go down every sunday, (they never came to us despite living 10 mins away.) And without fail we would go in with him asleep she would take him off us and take him out and wake him up. she took no notice of my protests. She never even spoke to me. Not even a hello. She always knows best, and she has been like that with all 3 of my DS, but my SIL is just the same.
When I met DH he was still living at home (he was 27) and I had a house, shortly after we found out I was PG with DS1 we moved house. I know she was only trying to help but e didn't need all the thing she would tell her old ladies that we wanted, and then we would have to go and pick it up.

Over the years she has done so many things that realy annoy me, but its not just with 'her' boys, she is just generally interfering.

The day after I married DH we had to go down to PIL 4 tea, she was asking me which way I was thinking of cutting MY wedding cake, (which she offered to pay 4 but never did). Then SHE CUT MY WEDDING CAKE, obviousley only being 26 at the time, I couldnt have a knife as I might cut myself.

Dh and I have been together for 9 years despite his mother, And I do still find her annoying but I do understand her more now. She has no voice of her own in her own family because they all just ignore her or tell her to shut up and stop being stupid. The way she ius treat by her family is appaling, and I would never even think of talking to my mother like they all talk to her, which is what caused me all the problems, I didnt feel that I could tell her in the same way that I could have told my own mum, I felt that DH should tell her wich of course he never did. And boy did that cause some arguments I can tell you, We still go down every sunday, as we have done for 8 years, and it no longer bothers me that they dont speak to me, actually because I dont like them, it rather suits me that I dont have to make small talk with people that if it were not for DS1, DS2, & DS3 I would not see at all.

SORRY FOR THE RANT but it felt good to share that with other people possibly in the same possition.

mum2sam your experience is just terrible what on earth was your mil thinking of, thinking she knows better than qualified midwives
My mil also thinks she knows better than all the medical professionals put together and it drives us mad.
Babies are not toys, they dont always want to be picked up and passed around, when friends of mine have had babies I have always waited to be asked if I'd like to hold them.
She sounds unbearable.

Mum2sam - soooo with you: let her just bring it on! How does it benefit them to be such utter bitches?!

Fairlyoddparents - Mine don't give a monkeys anout me either (no, my FIL is lovely and seems to like me but isn't brave enough to let on unless we are out of earshot!)I was in hosp for over 4 months and they only visited once when DH had begged them. I wish he hadn't bothered!

littlelion, of course you do have to find a way through it but I have to say she sounds like a madwoman and outrageously selfish. What kind of woman wants her grown sons to live with her forever and not build their own lives? (she wouldn't get many grandkids that way would she, the daft bint).

I speak from the perspective of having a fairly hands-off mil who i have gradually become closer to over the 7 years I've been with DP. When she came to stay, 3 weeks after DS's birth (she lives several hundred miles away) she was a total star - cooked and cleaned, said only positive things, and held DS only when I offered. So it can be done.

On the other hand I have a sister who is single, childless and broody and will not get out of DS's face when she is here - constantly poking and gibbering at him with no sensitivity to his needs - eg when I was carrying him around the house crying because he was overtired, trying to soothe him to sleep, she was following behind me making faces and silly noises at him - also buys too many presents and embarrasses us - and I find it v hard to say anything because I'm sorry for her and feel guilty that I have what she wants. It's desperation and neediness that makes people like this and I suppose although they don't realise it they are using the baby to fill a hole in themselves, not think of what's best for the baby. Pity is not very nice but it can help you feel more magnanimous!

littlelion, of course you do have to find a way through it but I have to say she sounds like a madwoman and outrageously selfish. What kind of woman wants her grown sons to live with her forever and not build their own lives? (she wouldn't get many grandkids that way would she, the daft bint).

I speak from the perspective of having a fairly hands-off mil who i have gradually become closer to over the 7 years I've been with DP. When she came to stay, 3 weeks after DS's birth (she lives several hundred miles away) she was a total star - cooked and cleaned, said only positive things, and held DS only when I offered. So it can be done.

On the other hand I have a sister who is single, childless and broody and will not get out of DS's face when she is here - constantly poking and gibbering at him with no sensitivity to his needs - eg when I was carrying him around the house crying because he was overtired, trying to soothe him to sleep, she was following behind me making faces and silly noises at him - also buys too many presents and embarrasses us - and I find it v hard to say anything because I'm sorry for her and feel guilty that I have what she wants. It's desperation and neediness that makes people like this and I suppose although they don't realise it they are using the baby to fill a hole in themselves, not think of what's best for the baby. Pity is not very nice but it can help you feel more magnanimous!

oops sorry for double post

I have just read message from mum2sam on 15th aug. I so understand how you feel. I just came to blows with my MIL on my daughters at my daughters 1st birthday party! I used to get on ok with them but since having D I feel like we don't know each other at all.
It feels as if the PIl only come to see D. I always feel pushed out. They constantly try to pick her up, take her from me when all she wants is me. They both used to put their heads over my shoulder while breast feeding and I was too knackered to do anything about it. Now they won't leave her alone and it winds me up! At her party FiL practically sat on top of D while she ate her lunch. She was trying to play with cousins and he came and sat right in front of her. Then to top it off MIL picked her up and took her in front of the 50 or so people present to blow out her first birthday candle. It was our first family gathering since her birth (instead of christening) to celebrate her arrival in the world and it should have been me and H. I'm so angry, if you can't already tell!
I made my feelings known then MiL stormed off crying, blaming me for everything telling me I'm greedy with cuddles etc with my daughter! i can't believe her! She is currently refusing to talk to me.
The crazy thing is that her relationship with her GD would be so much better if we could talk and sort this thing out. I will not give in now as I beleive I'm right to want to have my say, to make them respect us as parents in our own right.
I'm just thankful that H is soooo supportive and will not let his M get away with this. Also my own M is brilliant.
God, that feels better! Any words of wisdom from anyone?

My MIL is great, but my FIL drives me demented!!! He's the one who drops in unannounced, wakes my dd up when she's sleeping and constantly distracts her when she's feeding. He phones us every morning to see how she slept - she's 9 months fgs, how long does he need to keep checking!

RH16
I recently posted about a huge bust-up with my MIL so just wanted to say I totally sympathise with you. I would feel really angry if my MIL pulled the candle stunt with my ds and as for the 'greedy' comment, she's an idiot, frankly.
Stand your ground even if takes her an age to come round.
My bust-up is still unresolved (it was over a month ago) and we haven't seen her, although my dp is in phone contact with her. TBH I'm really enjoying the peace and the thought that she can NEVER AGAIN play the role of head of my family. Yippee!!!! I said some harsh things (eg I'm not rent-a-womb and I don't want to be spoken to like I'm a piece of shit ) and I'm glad I did, however awkward it will be in the future.
Like you, I harbour real feelings of anger towards the woman for her pushy and insensitive behaviour (she was partic bad around the birth, yikes). But if she thinks about it and says sorry perhaps we can slowly rebuild some kind of relationship.
If she plays the victim and tells dp how much I've hurt her and how she was only trying to 'help' then I have the perfect excuse not to see her. GREAT. I would never stop my ds seeing her but it will be more on my terms this time round.
I know I sound a bit hard but I think MILs reap what they sow.
My mother, like yours, is great and as such she will be seeing my ds more frequently than my MIL. That fact alone makes me happy. You've got to find ways to keep sane.
It's great that you have a supportive partner, I wish you lots and lots of luck.

Brozzer. i have changed my nickname. Rh16 seemed a bit dull. Not sure new one any better though!
Thanks for your message. This is my first time on mumsnet chat. It is really helpful.
I can't believe how many people have in-law issues. I suppose it is some consolation though!
My MiL was refusing to speak to me after we had a long chat straight after the blow out. She wouldn't even speak to us on DD's birthday on Tuesday but left answer phone message. Now how childish is that?!
Anyway she has phoned me now and does want to resolve things but I just know she won't listen to me. I said to her today that I want her to tell me how it feels to be a G mother and I'll tell her how I'm finding being a 1st time Mum. Her reply "I know what it is like to be a Mum!" I said I know but I'm very different to you, it's different for everyone but she wouldn't have it. She even implied that I have pushed her DS out since arrival of DD. He has felt nothing of the sort and certainly hasn't told her. Cheeky mare!
Anyway I have to try to be positive and give it all a chance. I'm not expecting much then I might be pleasantly surprised!
We just have to get to know each other. I don't want it to have an effect on my D's relationship with them as I have such fond memories of my own G parents.
Hope your's comes to her senses soon too. Just remember these times for when you're a grandparent. I'm sure we won't make the same mistakes though!

TP - That sounds like a really useful exercise telling each other how it feels to be a grandmother/first time mum. What a shame your MIL responded in the crass and irritated way she did.
The stories on MN about MILs never fail to make me feel a bit better. We are not alone!