Computer widow | Mumsnet

LovescollectingJellycats · 2010-06-11T15:35:09+00:00

OH (37)obsessed with computer games. I'm not against him playing as its his main hobby but do dislike the amount of time he spends glued to screen in spare room. Have spoken about this (calmly) time and time again. He agrees he plays it too much but nothing ever changes. Any advice?

HurleySatOnMe · 11/06/2010 16:38

Does your name mean you collect soft toys? In which case I think you are the perfect match
But seriously, what do you do while he's on the computer? Do you have hobbies that you can do alone? Is the time spent on the computer actually cutting into other activities you would actually be doing, or would it just be slobbing on the sofa?

Original poster

LovescollectingJellycats · 11/06/2010 16:47

Whilst he's upstairs killing aliens (!) I'm running the house, making meals, doing washing, tidying etc as well as going out to work.

I have hobbies that I do with friends but am concerned that we are drifting apart or becoming just housemates.

Maybe this is ok for some posters but its not what I want from a relationship.

OP posts:

TakeLovingChances · 11/06/2010 17:13

Have you told him this?

If I were you I'd be pissed off too. Especially if he's not pulling his weight in the house.

Also, does he work?

It sounds more like he's your DS, rather than your partner!

IsGraceAvailable · 11/06/2010 17:55

Yep, it can become a serious addiction. Presumably you've tried the Serious Talk and pulling the plug out after 2 hours??

IsGraceAvailable · 11/06/2010 18:01

Just looked this up for you: StopGame. It's an application timer. If it's an online game (like Warhammer or SecondLife) you can also set application timeouts via your router, in Advanced Settings.

Original poster

LovescollectingJellycats · 11/06/2010 18:04

TLC Yes, you're right it does feel like I've a 37 year old son.

He works shifts so starts early and is finished by 2pm. I get home from work at 6.30pm so he has had 4 hours + already on the b***d machine and not done anything towards the evening meal etc. Has a habit of running downstairs when he hears my key in the door trying to look like he's doing something productive
After the meal its off upstairs again until bedtime.

We've had innumerable talks about this but nothing changes. He says at least I know where he is (ie upstairs going goggle-eyed) and not out drinking or going astray.

If thats meant to make me feel better it didnt work

OP posts:

Original poster

LovescollectingJellycats · 11/06/2010 18:04

TLC Yes, you're right it does feel like I've a 37 year old son.

He works shifts so starts early and is finished by 2pm. I get home from work at 6.30pm so he has had 4 hours + already on the b***d machine and not done anything towards the evening meal etc. Has a habit of running downstairs when he hears my key in the door trying to look like he's doing something productive
After the meal its off upstairs again until bedtime.

We've had innumerable talks about this but nothing changes. He says at least I know where he is (ie upstairs going goggle-eyed) and not out drinking or going astray.

If thats meant to make me feel better it didnt work

OP posts:

GirlWithTheMouseyHair · 11/06/2010 19:13

I know how you feel, my husband works for Sony Playstation and plays games when we're at home too - I think he's jst addicted to screens because will have the tv on all the time too if he could. It was getting to the point instead of reading in bed he would play games on his laptop. The playstation has been broken for a few months but he's discovered a wealth of new games he can play with and without the internet on his laptop and phone.

Thankfully he does disengage and we do watch films together or go out occasionally, and so I often let him get on with it, especially when I've got work to do. But it is frustrating that it feels like he is playing the majority of the time.

I also worry because I've noticed his social skills diminishing since we had DS 19months ago as it's obbiously harder for us to get out and so he retreats into computer land, he just doesn't make an effort to socialise or keep in touch with his friends (well, OUR friends), whereas I would go mad if I didn't see people often enough.

IsGraceAvailable · 11/06/2010 19:20

Mousey, have you got Skype? This isn't an answer to the bigger issue, but ... You're absolutely right about the screen thing. I force myself to interact with the real world every day, but spend the majority of my time looking at the computer AND the TV. Most of the geeky people I meet at conferences (real and virtual) are the same.

One way round it is to use video calling. If you're fairly housebound at the moment, it would be great for you anyway. And, tragic though it is, you'll probably find you can get DH to socialise more when the other people are ... on a screen.

Yes, I know the real world hasn't got a little box round it!! (Just going out to check.)

londonmackem · 11/06/2010 19:22

I had a friend like this and they had a date night in the week. Once the kids had gone to bed that was their time - maybe start small then see what happens. Tuesdays might be meal, he clears up then you do something together (game, TV, DVD, music, etc).

OhExpletive · 11/06/2010 19:36

DP can have this tendency. He does accept that it gets excessive though, so a quiet mention that he's been overdoing it is usually enough. We will sometimes play together on the x-box, or watch films. He has good online friends who he talks to and I try to keep up with who's who and say hi because it keeps things on a real level. We've had our share of serious talks though, but the thing which helped most was moving the computer to the living room when DS came along. Now there are two nights a week allocated to games and it's working much better.

Original poster

LovescollectingJellycats · 11/06/2010 20:05

That was the plan for us after our chat, to have 1 or 2 nights a week on the computer and other nights for 'us'. Trouble is it isnt working out and as hard as it is to say OH is almost fixated on games to the extent he doesnt want to do anything else. Its all he thinks about

After prising him off the main computer when its bedtime he sits in bed logged on to his phone for goodness knows how long. Then he doesnt sleep well and is irritable the next day. And so the cycle goes on.

If just some of his gaming energies were put into real life he'd be a much nicer person. Perhaps its down to lack of confidence, I dont know

OP posts:

OhExpletive · 11/06/2010 20:29

I think you're going to need to be brutal because it does sound like a) he has a serious problem with this and b) he doesn't recognise it.

Our only saving grace is that DP recognises it, and although he still needs a prod once in a while he knows he has to take control. It doesn't sound like that's an option for you - maybe he needs to be asked directly to seek help ... or even shocked into realising how serious his circumstances are.

OhExpletive · 11/06/2010 20:32

DP is wondering what games he plays?

IsGraceAvailable · 11/06/2010 20:48

It can be a serious addiction. The Priory takes computer addicts into their rehab wing, they have to go through the 12 Steps like any other addict.

Spending a lot of time in VR actually warps your perceptions. This has been properly documented (there's a lot more work going into that line of research now - some of the findings made me rethink my attitude to violent games.)

My personal experience: I make stuff for some online games. It's supposed to be a hobby, but I become so engrossed I have been known to stay on it for 3 whole days & nights If I've been in-game for a long time, I find I've stopped seeing things in the real world as normal. My brain's become so attuned to screen 'reality' that, instead of looking at a landscape & seeing a landscape, I see it as a series of flat planes (as it would be in game). It reminds of that episode in "The Beach"! When this happens, I stay out of the game for a few weeks.

I don't know how you'd get DH to see what's happened to him. It might help to make him swear off all forms of screen for 24 hours - as they say in AA, any alcoholic can be sober for a day - and fill that day up with frenzied activity. Take a circus class! Go to a fantastic restaurant; take a boat trip; go swimming ... engage his five senses, for real.

That's the best I can offer, I'm afraid.

Original poster

LovescollectingJellycats · 11/06/2010 21:01

Thanks ladies

OE the worst offender (at present) is Eve Online. A game played by people living worldwide so there is always someone online no matter what time of day or night.

But its not just that, there are the Warhammer games plus Playstation, XBox, PSP, Gamecube etc. So there's always something.

IGA When I manage to get us to go out together for the day he doesnt always want to go but later he'll say what a fab time he's had. But as soon as we're in the door thats it-back to the computer.

For a time I tried to be like him, not caring about the house, meals etc but I couldnt sustain it. Its not me. I've also realised I'm a lot more of a social creature than he is so I go out with friends to concerts/events etc. But that doesnt solve the root of the problem.

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OhExpletive · 11/06/2010 21:16

DP plays Eve. He asked his username - I thought he might be planning a manly chat but it turns out he just wants to know if he knows him!

I can identify with your problem so well. I don't really know what to suggest apart from seeking help yourself if he won't. DP has suggested that you try to arrange an hour together some nights a week and work up from there. If it's an addiction then wean him off. And I'd add to that that you need to do something during that hour - anything, be it housework, watch TV, go for a walk if you can get childcare, play cards, a board game, whatever. And then when it's up it's up.

Personally I'd really resent having to book time with my partner like that but I think if it's as much of a problem as it is for you then you may have to accept that as a starting point.

OhExpletive · 11/06/2010 21:18

Also give serious consideration to moving his gaming into the family room. I can't really emphasise enough how much this has helped.

danceswithelves · 11/06/2010 21:39

I share your pain, and have done for many years. He has been playing WoW for years now, and at first I used to get really fed up, but then we started to spend 2 full evenings together (tues & sat) to watch something, either a film or a good tv series that we both enjoyed. now i have so many things to spend my time on that i almost begrudge the nights spent with him! i know my experience will be different from yours, but if you want to keep your relationship alive you must make time for each other. hope you find your way x

Original poster

LovescollectingJellycats · 11/06/2010 21:42

Thanks OE, really appreciate your support and helpful advice tonight.

No idea of his username-I steer well clear of all the explosions/shooting/noises coming from the spare room. Probably because I work with computers all day so I have no desire to start gaming as my hobby

Having said that because he is in a room uninterrupted thats not helping the situation of limitless playing so will look into moving computer downstairs.

OP posts:

OhExpletive · 11/06/2010 21:55

I really hope you get it sorted out. I think that hinges on him accepting the magnitude of the problem and taking it seriously. And you have to make sure you don't inadvertently tolerate broken promises this time.

let us know how it goes

Funkycherry · 12/06/2010 01:15

I have the same problem. Plays downstairs and then brings Ipad / Iphone / Laptop to bed
Makes me sad that technology seems more atttractive than me.
I now bring my laptop to bed too which I guess just perpetuates the problem.

No advice I'm afraid. Just wanted to share with you.

madamim · 12/06/2010 07:27

I'd stop cooking for him, cleaning for him and doing any washing.Would also go as far to tell him to sleep with his computer and when he's ready to have a relationship with a real person to let you know.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/06/2010 11:15

XH was very resentful of my WoW fixation. On the other hand, when his sister came round on one of her rare trips to the UK, and I obviously gave the PC a miss for the sake of good manners, he insisted she would want to see my game and practically forced me to log in. Of course she wasn't keen at all really, but felt she had to show an interest (and was a bit peculiar about whether the pet I was using, on my hunter character, was suffering - er hello, it doesn't really exist?). My suspicion was that he wanted to show off the mad addicted wife, and was quite miffed when I showed enough self-control to be polite to a guest.

We eventually broke up over WoW (or at least it was the last straw/eye-opener), and I'm so glad. I still play, though a lot less, because I don't feel the need to hide in another world now that this one doesn't have him in my face.

Sorry, that's just a rant, doesn't help the OP at all

TakeLovingChances · 12/06/2010 16:26

OP - do you have children? Does he spend time with them? I'd be concerned about how things seem to them. What level they can understand dads addiction at and how they feel about their relationship with him.

I've never been in this situation myself, so I can't give advice, but I really do feel for you