please help me forgive him, he treated me terribly early on in relationship, i want to move on

[brokenheartedgirl]

i have name-changed for this as DP knows my usual username.

i am desperate for some impartial advice and to see what other people make of this.

background - me and dp got together just over 3 yrs ago. he is 10 yrs older. he had seperated from his wife a few months before we got together, although we had known eachother through friends for several months. we have a DD aged 14 months and i have another DS from a prev relationship who is 4.5. and he has a 14 yo DD from his prev marriage. she was 10 when he split up from XW. he is now divorced and we are engaged.

when we got together we fell for eachother very quickly, neither of us could believe what we felt about the other and we were very happy. we were practically inseparable and he moved in with me and DS after 3 months. and the sex was out of this world!! the only cloud on the horizon was that his XW was starting to try and wreck his relationship with his DD, trying to stop him seeing her etc.

One day, after about 6 months, we had a silly argument. He had always been jealous of an ex of mine i was good mates with and he had found out i had been for lunch with him. nothing in it for either of us, not great of me, i know i shouldnt have done it but hardly a dumping offence?? He packed and left i was shocked, devastated, i couldn't eat, i couldn't sleep, i felt like i was having a breakdown. i couldnt believe that this amazing new relationship had ended. i was training as a nurse at the time and i had to quit as i was such a mess. there was no real explanation, but he kept in touch with me saying that he still loved me, that he missed me, he wanted us to try again etc. we were separated but in contact for about 3 weeks. he then asked me to get back with him. this was just before xmas 07.

on xmas eve 07 he just disappeared. i didnt hear from him for 24 hours and his phone was off. when i did hear from him it was a text (yes. A. TEXT.) to say that he was sorry but it was over. again. well, after everything that had happened you can imagine the state i was in.

then i didnt hear from him. until new years eve when he rang wanting to talk, i spoke to him purely to try and get some sort of honest explanation as to what was going on in his head. he explained that although he still loved me, he couldnt cope with his jealous feelings and never felt good enough for me as i was so much younger than him etc, and (in his eyes) i was out of his league. he he said he wanted to meet and try and sort things out but i said it was too late, that i couldnt take the risk of him hurting me again. however we carried on talking (but i still refused to see him) every day over the next month and i decided, against my better judgement, to give him a 3rd chance.

we got back together and everything was amazing, even better than it was the first time. he admitted he stupidly over reacted about me meeting my X and promised to control his jealousy, he fully admitted that he treated me terribly over xmas. things just got better and better. he moved back in and after a while we even discussed marriage and kids. fast forward to Aug 08 and i was hit by a bombshell. i found out that over Xmas, when he "disappeared" he had gone to stay at his XW's house. i told him that was it, it was over for good this time, i just couldnt believe the level of betrayal. he begged me to listen and explained that while we had split the first time, XW had asked him to go back to her. when he said no, she said he couldn't see their DD anymore unless he agreed to try again. he told her he didn't want to but he was so scared of not seeing his DD that he said he'd think about it, just to buy some time really. XW then said that he couldnt see their DD at xmas unless he saw her at their house. it was his first Xmas without his dd and he says he just went a bit loopy coz he just couldnt cope with the thought of not seeing her. so he went over xmas eve and stayed till xmas morning. he swears that nothing happened between him and XW, that he stayed on the sofa but he would say that wouldnt he?? he says he only stayed because he wanted to see his DD open her presents. i asked him why he didnt admit this when we got back together and he said he was too scared i wouldnt get back with him if i knew.

well yet again i was a right mess. i just didnt know what to do, the last few months had been blissful, the best ever, he had been an amazing partner and amazing with my DS as well. we talked and talked, he cried and begged me not to split up with him, and swore that nothing had happened, that he never wanted his ex wife, he just wanted to see his DD and it was the only way, that he couldnt bear to be without me etc etc. and i decided to let him stay try and forgive him. then i found out i was pregnant with DD.

fast forward nearly 2 yrs and he has been the model partner and father. he loves and adores DD and my DS. he proposed just after she was born with the biggest diamond i have ever seen. and we have just moved in to a lovely new home together. he is the classic, old fashioned provider, he is hard working, amazing round the house, does more than his fair share with the children. we have amazing sex still and we are so close and affectionate. he is reliable to the extreme... i dont know who the unstable man he was for a few weeks was, but i dont believe it was him. i know how much he loves me because he tells me all the time, i can see it in his eyes, i can tell it in his action, the way he looks at me...he is so perfect.

i love him to death and can't imagine life without him, yet i still sometimes look at him and hate him for what he did to me at the beginning of the relationship. sometimes even though it would kill me and also mess the kids lives up, i fantasise about packing his stuff for him and dumping him, to hurt him like he has hurt me. sometimes i even think of it while we are having sex...out of nowhere i imagine him shagging his ex wife that night he fucked off. even though he said nothing happened, how can i believe him when he lied to me and let me down so much over that time? even though it was now nearly 3 yrs ago that it all happened. why can't i fully forgive him??? why did he have to do what he did???

i am so sorry this is so long and thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read it.

bleedingheart thanks for your reply, what a lovely message. i would be interested to hear your story, sorry if that sounds nosey but would just like to hear a similar story and what happened i guess. dont worry if u dont want to share it but if you did that would be great.

i think he had a "wobble" too - as, like i said, since we got back together he has been a model partner, i can't fault him....but all the proclamations of love from him at the beginning and how much he said he had fallen for me, never felt like this in his life etc, etc, how could he then go and do that to someone he claimed to be so in love with? and he ruined not only my xmas but my sons xmas as i spent it all stressing and crying over dp plus i also threw my course away which i still regret now

right from the word go i asked him if he was sure he didnt want to make a go of things with his wife, whether it was too soon to get involved again but he assured me that he was far happier without her; that he hadnt loved her for a long time and he definitely did not want her back. so i did not go into it lightly and - i thought - neither did he.

We were both in other relationships when we met, nothing happened for a few years but we were clearly falling in love. We discussed it rationally and decided to leave our partners (without having even kissed at this point, I hasten to add). He had been unhappily married for a long time but had been with his wife since their teens. Her family lived abroad so he felt entirely responsible for her well-being and happiness. She was an emotional abuser. There were no children involved but she was to a certain extent financially dependent on him.
They separated, we moved in together and she summoned him for help with some DIY chores on condition that if he went she would sign divorce papers. He was gone a long time and the day after his return was very funny with me and aggressive and eventually said he felt guilty and he perhaps should have stayed married to her because she had had to change her whole life (moving house, new job etc) because of his decsion. I was devastated and had a total meltdown. In retrospect, I know this was guilt talking and not regret but he shouldn't have discussed it with me! That's what friends are for. For at least 3 years, I threw it back at him when I was a little worse for wear or we argued. I am over 10 years younger than my DH too and was very insecure when we met (my ex had been a total bully). Now I see he didn't mean what he said, he wanted me all along but because he is a good man he couldn't just end all that history without feeling he should've done more. he also had some jealousy of male friends as his wife didn't have any straight male friends and he was unfamiliar with it. I know the betrayal is different to yours but I think the sentiment was similar.

Trust the man you know now, in time people show you who they really are, he's making you happy and he's a good dad.

I agree with MmeL and others' assessment re his behaviour.

But you have definitely not resolved this. Look how long your OP was and you've just gone over it all AGAIN in your last post. How many times a day do you do this to yourself? Tbh, no matter what you're saying to yourslef and on here, deep down you're still furious with him and with yourself.

Yes counselling would help but can you take some other practical steps? How about starting your course again?

Apologies for the essay

I don't think he didn't love you or stopped loving you, I think he was trying to do the 'right' thing and got it wrong but he's made his choice now.

BHG, I too have been, or rather am in your position. We had a very rocky start too, we got together 3 months after he split with his long term partner

He also claimed love and devotion to me, promised he wasn't on the 'rebound' etc etc..

It was all bollocks, he didn't know he was on the rebound, he didn't know that he still cared for his ex more than he cared for me - he put her feelings first, not wanting to hurt her but forgot that by doing so, he was hurting me.

I still get days where I feel hurt about what he did, even though it was years ago and I do still have trust issues because of it - I know he's capable of hurting me, granted, he didn't do it intentionally.. but he's still capable, I can't fully trust that he will never hurt me again.

HOWEVER, that said, I'm trying to come to terms with it, I do think if the situation were reversed, I would have hurt him in a similar fashion, or at least, could have hurt him without meaning to.

I don't know how to get over it completely, I'm still trying but I do know it gets easier and am hoping that one day, it will be a distant memory and not near the forefront of my mind.

Right, I realise I've given you fuck all advice there, just want you to know that you're not alone

I like another poster, knew he was with his wife when he went awol that first christmas, infact, I would not be surprised if he was with her more than the one day over the period he was not contacting you, maybe thinking and trying to make a go of it again with his wife, and when it did not work out he then decided to make a go of it with you, and it looks like he has made a go of it with you now!

I wonder if he was confused and that was the breakdown he had that year, and once he had answers from his wife in that she did not want him, or they both decided that it would not work out, or he decided he did not want her, you will never know, it is not like he is going to tell you! The main thing is he decided to make a go of it with you now!

I do feel that a lot of your writing is very black and white, very our life is perfect, he is perfect and we are so happy etc... then there are litterings of breakdowns, you having meltdowns etc, it all sounds like you may need to go and see someone to work out what is going on and why you have such black and white thinking, as often when we are in denial we can know as someone else said in our gut something is wrong, but denail is making us think that is not the case, and we miss important things.

I wish you luck, as there are three precious children in your lives x

why aren't you telling him about your relate sessions? It could cause trouble as he may feel hurt that you didn't tell him about it when (not if, because trust me, he will find out as these things always come out) he finds out. Don't support a cycle of hurt and secrets.

How he behaved doesn't sound extraordinary under the circumstances. Are you still angry because you lost something important - your nursing qualification? Are you still angry because there's a part of you that believes there's more to it than meets the eye - you sound like you're trying to convince yourself that he's been truthful, even backing it up with what his mum said. If you believe him, then relate will hopefukky help you get to the bottom of your insecurities

hopefukky?

Can I go right back to the start and ask why, if your DP knows your username, that was a concern? Has he been in the habit of checking MNet to see what you write?

I think the reason you are still feeling this way is either because there's something about you that needs resolving, or because something about him doesn't quite add up.
Perhaps it's even a mix of the two.

Are you someone who has had jealousy problems in the past - and difficulty letting go of past grievances? Did this abandonment of you trigger a flashback to another time, when someone else did the same?

If you can rule these things out, next look at what still doesn't quite fit about your DP. Based on what you've said, while I agree that this man would have been troubled and confused at this time, the part of his story that still doesn't seem right is this:

He says his marriage ended because it had run its course. And yet over a year later, his wife was apparently saying that he couldn't see his daughter unless he promised to think about returning to the marriage and couldn't see the DD at any other venue than the family home. How did he see his DD prior to that then, if he'd left some time ago?

Why would a woman who also felt that the marriage had run its course, feel so bitter about access so suddenly?

Perhaps you also have nagging doubts about the way he resolves conflict, telling you the relationship was over when you met a friend for lunch, informing you by text that it was still over - and going silent on you for the entire Christmas period (not just one day, after all) and then with-holding the details of where he'd actually been that Christmas for a whole 8 months afterwards.

If you have in the past been a very rational person who doesn't nurse grievances and have never had problems with jealousy, then I would go right back to what your inner voice might be telling you about him. When a rational person cannot let something go, it often means that they shouldn't, because something is telling them that things are not as they seem.

Whenwill - are you a therapist? You should be (seriously, you're goooood).

WWIFN, your last paragraph is what I wanted to say earlier (only you did it better!)

While there are plenty of techniques for "letting go" of a worry, they'll only work if the worry has outlived its usefulness. bhg, you've not said anything yet to indicate that your current concerns relate to events that happened befor you even knew DP. All of WWIFN's remarks, above, are strongly relevant to your current situation. I do hope you'll feel able to discuss them further.

oh no he doesnt check my mumsnet as such, i have posted stuff under my usual name and showed him before, ie if i have asked a parenting related question or something or i have posted something he may find interesting or funny. he would never "check up on me" or anything. he completely trusts me now, but admits that he didnt at the start of the relationship, purely because, in his words, of his own insecurities to do with me being younger than him, and in his eyes "out of his league"

to be honest i do suffer from jealousy, i always have done, right back to when i was a child and found that no matter what i did, it was not good enough in my parents eyes, they always seemed to "prefer" my younger brother. and as a teenager and early 20-something i had very bad relationships where people regularly cheated on me and put me down. and as a result, i have never felt quite "good enough" so yeah i am quite a jealous person generally, sadly. also when i was a child my dad used to do "disappearing acts" sometimes for days, remember them now. and, strangely, two of them were at xmas and i will never forget, ever. i have tears in my eyes thinking about it.

as for why his XW suddenly wanted him back, i am not quite sure, but i think she always did to some degree in the early days after they split, as it was his decision to end things. plus she had a very nice little lifestyle with him, he owned their home and she didnt work, (which had also been a bone of contention between them, dp need her to get a job as he was struggling with bills but she wouldnt) but suddenly when he left she had to find a rented house and a job. dp always thought she only wanted him back for material reasons. and it was when she found out he had a girlfriend (me) that she started messing him about re access etc. i think although she didnt really want him as such, she didnt like the thought of him being happy.

thank u again ladies for your kind words.x

I suspect you've got to the root of you then and this is an important breakthrough. The events of that Christmas provided unwelcome flashbacks to the Christmases ruined by your Father's disappearing acts.

Also, because of events in your past, you are prone to jealousy and this is why you are having intrusive images of your DP having sex with his wife.

If you are certain that you don't have any misgivings about the account your DP has been giving you (I'm still a little sceptical tbh) then it would be a good idea to clear some proper time with your DP and open a window to all of this and your vulnerabilities. Explain about the triggers.

One of the things that often works with flashbacks is to replace the memory with a good one. So Christmas will always be a potential flashback time for you and so your DP needs to know that it is vitally important that all the Christmases in the future make you feel warm, safe, secure and happy.

hello bhg, i won't weigh in with advice because there seems to be plenty of the good stuff here.

Just wanting to tell you that I started on rocky ground as well (very different reasons to yours) and we have got through it. It took about 5 or 6 years to work through it all but now even major issues are piffle because we've really learnt how to communicate.

Good luck

Your last post, broken hearted girl, gives a lot of insight as to why you are finding it so difficult to move on. No wonder it is so hard for you as what he did must have pushed so many buttons for you and triggered strong emotions and feelings of abandonment.

To me it sounds like you really need to look within yourself to work though this hurt and be able to be happy with this man. It's not about what he did being something 'unforgivable' by any means - it's about you not being able to forgive.

I really hope you can forgive him - it sounds as if, though he may have messed up, he loves you and wants you to be happy.

Good luck.

Your last post, broken hearted girl, gives a lot of insight as to why you are finding it so difficult to move on. No wonder it is so hard for you as what he did must have pushed so many buttons for you and triggered strong emotions and feelings of abandonment.

To me it sounds like you really need to look within yourself to work though this hurt and be able to be happy with this man. It's not about what he did being something 'unforgivable' by any means - it's about you not being able to forgive.

I really hope you can forgive him - it sounds as if, though he may have messed up, he loves you and wants you to be happy.

Good luck.

fearlessleader i am glad to hear you have got through your problems now, has given me some hope for my own future as well

kitsilano - yes, i definitely think that certian things that happened to me earlier in life have made what he did to me hurt more. i am glad you think it was just a case of messing up.

wwifn - this is the thing, i do have some misgivings about the account that he is giving me because a) he lied to me so much around that time anyway, b) because he never told me about where he really was over xmas when we first got back together, and c) i have no solid proof as such that he isnt lying as we spent several days apart and not in contact around the time it all happened ...could i ask you just out of interest why you are sceptical of my dp's account? just wondering.

i think the main thing that plays on my mind is the thought of him sleeping with his XW during that time...as i said before, the sex we had (and still have) is amazing, mindblowing and so special and the thought of him cheating completely sullies that. if there was some way i could prove he didnt shag her then i think i would feel a whole lot better. he also said when we first got together that he and XW had never really been compatible in bed, neither of them had wanted it very often, they had only done it once every few weeks and in the last year or so they were together hadn't done it at all. i believe him because (sorry for TMI) for the first few times we did it he would get really, um, over excited and once or twice it was actually over even before it had begun ...so it was pretty obvious he was out of practice.

well this week has been horrible as posting all this has brought it back to the forefront of my mind....i have been so down and depressed....i can barely eat and i am not sleeping. when he tells me he loves me i just want to shout at him "WELL WHY DID YOU DO THAT TO ME THEN!!??"

The thing that concerns me is that although he is 10 years older than you, so I guess quite mature, he reacted in such an over the top way to you having lunch with a ex. This man had left a marriage, and moved in with you quite quickly, and I'm surprised that something so innocent as a lunch caused him to pack up and leave, treat you badly, disappear, end it all in text, etc. I realise that you say he felt "out of your league" but that doesn't really excuse such behaviour. Did you know that he would disapprove of you having lunch with an ex? Did he know, at the time that he walked out, about your past when your dad left at Xmas time? Do you know whether his ex wife had ever cheated on him?

I agree that the Xmas timing caused lots of hidden anxieties to flare up, but I'm concerned about why he went so over the top, and caused you such hurt.

yeah, at the time, he was 38 and i was 28. so it wasnt some juvenile relationship. he says he has never been cheated on before. but he said (in his words, i dont want to sound big headed, i promise i am not) he had never been out with anyone as attractive as me, he noticed men staring at me all the time and had never noticed that with his exes, the whole time when we were first together, he couldnt believe that i had agreed to go out with him, and he says he was just waiting for me to find someone "better" ... , that the dpth of his feelings scared him, he described himself as being "obsessively in love with me at the time". but says while he loves me very much now, his feelings are more "healthy". He said when he discovered my secret lunch with my X, he took it as "proof" I didnt want him, and i couldnt be trusted, he says he has never been cheated on but he just couldnt believe that "someone like me" would want him. which is crazy because i wanted him more than i had ever wanted anyone in my life and fancied him rotten.

at the time, no, he didnt know about the stuff that happened when i was a child with my dad disappearing etc. but he does now.

i decided to bring everything up with him last night, i told him i wasnt over it etc...he hates talking about it (which is why i hate bringing it up) and it took an argument to initially start talking. he says he is still ashamed and devastated that he caused me so much hurt, that he still thinks about it a lot. he swore again that he never wanted his XW back, that he just couldnt handle not having his elder DD in his life. and (to my shame) i asked him to swear on our DD's life that he didnt sleep with her. dont know if it means anything but i do know how much he loves and adores DD so dont think he would do that lightly.

I don't think he would do that lightly either. Is there anyway you can have counselling to help you understand your past and your self esteem issues, because it sounds to me now that he is telling the truth, he has repeatedly apologised, and it would be healthy if you could all forget it and put it behind you. But I think your dad walking out when he did triggered some bad memories of being left, which may be at the heart of your inability to forgive him. Your partner behaved badly, but we all do sometimes, and we have to forgive - so perhaps focus on getting some help for yourself, so that you can do this? I really don't know what more he can do. Good luck.